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Relationships

dp's sisters' wedding tonight... and i cant even speak to dp...

43 replies

juicychops · 25/08/2007 08:34

because ive still not met his kids yet after being together over 1.5 years.

Im taking a friend so i have company and i have to pretend im a neighbour if anyone asks as dp doesn't want anyone to accidently let slip to his boys i am his girlfriend.

The only people there who will know who i am is dp, his sister and new husband, and dp's mum and dad. not even dp's brother and family know who i am!

looking forward to going as dp's sister really wanted me to go, but dreading how im going to feel when im there. Im gunna just feel like a nobody and out of place with the whole of dp's family im supposed to meet his family at events like this, not have to pretend im nothing.

Feeling very angry towards dp this morning and i dont want it to ruin my night out. I want to just have a good time with my friend and think of it as just a night out and make sure dp sees me having a great time without him. But inside im gunna be feeling quite sad

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Budababe · 25/08/2007 08:37

Why does he not want his boys to know who you are?

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Kbear · 25/08/2007 08:39

Bit strange that you've been together 1.5 years and he is hiding you. I would put up with the situation today then discuss tomorrow when it's going to change. Or leave him, frankly.

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juicychops · 25/08/2007 08:40

because he still doesn't think they are ready to know he has a girlfriend yet

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Carmenere · 25/08/2007 08:40

OMG you poor thing. That is hideous, have you met the boys at all? I would definitely take this opportunity to befriend them, it's very easy to have a casual chat with kids at a wedding.
Are his dc's going to spontaneously combust if they see their dad with a gf? WTF is the justification for treating you like a dirty secret? Is he putting his ex's feelings before your by any chance?

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nutcracker · 25/08/2007 08:41

Is he going to introduce to the boys at all this evening ? Even as a friend, neighbour or whatever ?

If he doesn't i'm afraid i'd be telling him it's finnished.

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juicychops · 25/08/2007 08:46

he just doesn't think they are ready but i think more a case of he doesn't want to risk upsetting them. His ex has been on at him lately to tell them about me as she wants to tell the boys about her boyfriend too but not before he has.

i hate the way he is treating me but i said id wait as long as it takes, but this is getting rediculous and ruining things for me and us. Ive said to myself il be patient up until today and after today i will speak to him about it. tonight is gunna be so unfair on me and i am only putting up with it for his sister. His sister has even said after the wedding she will bring it up with him as its not fair on me.

I honestly dont think he even sees how hard all this is on me.

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juicychops · 25/08/2007 08:47

nutcracker, i doubt he will be introducing me at all as anything he would rather i didn't have anything to do with them at all yet

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BandofMothers · 25/08/2007 08:48

Perhaps a stern chat is in order. Maybe not today before the wedding, but after it most certainly.
If he is serious about you then he needs to let you into his life properly.
How old are his boys???
Ultimatum time????

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nutcracker · 25/08/2007 08:50

Sorry but he is being ridiculous then, and I wouldn't want to be with a bloke who so obviously didn't care about my feelings.

Tonight would be the perfect oppurtunity for you to get to know them without the pressure of them knowing that you are his gf.

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BandofMothers · 25/08/2007 08:50

Men usually don't see how hard things are for women unless we point it out to them, and even then we are exagerating, or labouring the point or nagging/moaning/etc

Bloody Men.

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lifebeginstoday · 25/08/2007 08:51

I know how you feel. I was married to H, and when we moved back from overseas we were only 20 odd miles from his first family. His kids were teenagers at the time. He told me that if we were in town and he suddenly disappeared it was ebcause he had seen his first wife, and didn't want her to see us together! Then when i was pregnant he wouldn't tell his kids, with the embarrassing consequence that his DD turned up one night after a row with her Mum and asked to stay. I was 8 months pregnant and she had no idea! It didn't work out with her and H, so she went back to her mum's but asked me to sit down when her Mum turned up so she wouldn't see my bump!!!!! WTF? I was his wife and I was hidden like a dirty secret too. he's now my ex

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Carmenere · 25/08/2007 08:52

Behave beautifully and with dignity today and then tommorow, go through him for a shortcut
I would not put up with this, children are not idiots and probably suspect something anyway and may well be happy for their dad to have a nice gf.
Do your feelings generally come at the bottom of the list of priorities>?

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itwasntme · 25/08/2007 08:52

Oh for goodness sake!

Is he a man or a mouse?

You have been very patient and understanding for a year and a half, but really, I would not put up wiht this for much longer, especially if it is not the mother of these children who is objecting.

Maybe that's the point, maybe he does not want her to introduce them to her new boyfrend?

He is either a coward, or this goes deeper.

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juicychops · 25/08/2007 08:54

bandofmothers, thats exactly what he says to me when i try talking to him. he just says im moaning and 'going on' again

but yes, definately ultimatum time after tonight. i consider this a pretty big thing im doing tonight for him. he definately doesn't think i should think of it as a big deal he just doesn't understand how all this makes me feel although ive tried telling him time and time again.

i know that when the boys do know about me everything will be different and better and thats probably why i waited so long already. but i cant wait anymore

his boys are 8,10,and 14

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Carmenere · 25/08/2007 08:56

Actually don't go Juicy. It is undignified. You can't let him treat you like this, and if he is prepared to do this he may not be the man for you anyway and if that is the case you may not have a long term relationship with his sister. I think you should let him at it but don't subject yourself to this humiliation. Go for a night on the town with your friend instead.

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Carmenere · 25/08/2007 08:57

You think that things will change when his dc's know about you BUT he won't change and if he is willing to treat you like this now, he will treat you like this in the future, it will just be some other thing. Sorry but it is true.

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nutcracker · 25/08/2007 08:59

I agree with Carmenere tbh.

He obviously knew the wedding was coming up and so should of introudced you before now.

I'd refuse to go to.

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BandofMothers · 25/08/2007 09:01

Oh they are quite old enough to understand about their parents having new relationships.
FGS, I think it is a huge deal to pretend you are not with him.
I hate the whole Don't go on at me schpeel. If DH tries that now I go ballistic.

I would try something along the lines of "I am doing something for you today that goes against what I believe, therefore it is a big deal. To me this is paramount to lying and I wont be hidden like a dirty secret any more. If you don't tell them today, or asap after today when I have had the chance to talk to them today then I wont be pretending that I am not your girlfriend anymore, I just WONT be!!!

Think he'll get the point then.

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juicychops · 25/08/2007 09:04

i still want to go to the wedding. i dont want to let his sister down and my friend who is coming is pregnant and had to buy something especially.

i do understand what your saying Carmenere. I have been thinking that also but i would like to think he will change. i cant just give up on all the waiting ive already done

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nutcracker · 25/08/2007 09:05

Do you have kids Juicychops ?

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BandofMothers · 25/08/2007 09:05

Equally, if you don't go his sister will be so furious with him, she will probably roast him and maybe make him think twice.

I don't see why you can't stay friends with her if it doesn't work out with him tho.

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lulumama · 25/08/2007 09:08

this is last chance saloon

if he does not make a change after today, then you should think carefeully about ending it

his children are old enough to understand the situation, and after 18 months, you should not be the dirty little secret

having to go with him, but pretend you are a neighbour, rather than his long standing girlfriend is atrocious and his is clearly very disrespectful of your feelings and your dignity

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juicychops · 25/08/2007 09:08

yes i have a 2.7 ds

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slim22 · 25/08/2007 09:09

I would not go.

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BandofMothers · 25/08/2007 09:11

Tell him to grow up. They are old enough. It is he that has the problem not them. I would demand to know the real reason he doesn't want to tell them. Point out that his ex wants to tell them and clearly doesn't seem to think they are too young, then give him his choice.

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