Deeply worried about best friend, advice needed please.

[concernedmate]

We have been friends for about 3 years, we get on really well.

The whole time we have been friends she has never been happy, although she likes to pretend she is and puts on a painted smile.

She childhood sounds totally awful, her mum seemed like a control freak who used to belittle her and make her feel worthless, she took an overdose at 14 because of the way her mum made her feel, when she was in her early 30's she decided to stick up for herself and her mum didn't like it, and they have no contact, the mum has turned the whole family against her (except her brother who also has nothing to do with the mum) my friend tried to pretend she doesn't care what her mum thinks, but everytime she gets drunk she says things to contradict this.

She is on her 2nd married, the first ended because he again was a control freak, and she is married now to a caring man who adores her, the trouble is she doesn't love him, she says she is fond of him, but doesn't love him, cringes when he goes near her etc etc.

i am really worried as I know she is seriously depressed, and she drinks pretty much every night, about 6 months ago she finally went to the doctors who put her on ad's, she started to feel a little bit better and then started drinking again, which she was not supposed to do on ad's, when she goes to the doctors she doesn't tell the whole picture, a fraction of it. She is on the waiting list for counselling, and that should be a few months away.

I have seen her drunk 3 times in the past few months when she has said really how upset she is, (usually she says I not soo good, but i have to cope etc etc) she is crying and saying how she wishes she was dead etc etc, although she has 2 kids and she says that would stop her from doing anything silly.

She hasn't been happy in her marriage and says the last time she was happy was even before she met her dh, but she says her dh doesn't hit her, cheat etc etc, then he is a good man and she should try and make it work, she has been trying to make it works for pretty much as long as we have been friends.

I really don't know what else to do for her, I have offered to go to the doctors, and she said there is no point as the doctor will tell her to stop drinking, which she doesn't think she can at the moment. Everytime I push her a little further, she says its time to leave etc etc.

What makes it worse is that they are on the verge of emmigrating, and she thinks that this is just the fresh start that she needs to be happy, and I worry that there will be no magic wand, and it will be the same problems.

any advice / comments would be really appreciated.

[concernedmate]

and the reason she says she cant leave him is that they have no money and she has spoken to CAB who have said if she chooses to make herself homeless or kicks him out, then she wont be entitled to any help. She doesn't work is a SAHM

[ally90]

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.
That will put her mothers treatment of her into black and white print, and a professional saying what happened to her was not okay validates your experience.
Divorcing a Parent by Beverley Engel - Does the same but and I know she has done this already, it will reassure her that other people have done the same as her, and continue to do so as a healthy choice in life.

Been thinking of advice...but maybe if I empathise it will come across better...

My story...was emotionally abused by mother and sister, to the point of suicide. At 17 got into a relationship with someone who did not hit me or try to force sex on me. Desparately needed the physical affection ie hugging. Was in relationship for 8 years. It ended up I cringed when he tried to have sex with me and I refused, could not bear him kissing me and was not that keen on hugging (he ate endless bags of salt and vingar crisps...ugh the smell!!). It depressed me terribly, I just felt trapped, yet felt I could not leave him as he had health problems. Yet I could not see a way out, I was not strong enough to finish it myself (weak and selfish I know) and in the end he finished it. My mood lightened in one way, but in another it sunk even lower. The issue was my child abuse, I had nothing to live for, no one would ever want me, I was ugly, fat, stupid, disliked by my own family. I considered going for a year out from work to oz...but my heart was not in it. I just wanted to run away as that had been my dream since I was a child, and not tell my parents where I had gone. But I was still desparately lonely and that would have followed. What saved me was meeting my future dh. He too has a mad family and understood where I was coming from. I started councelling (I did this when I started imagining terrible things happening to dp now I had met him...) it made me realise that things would NEVER get better if I did not seek help. I was at my lowest point. I went for, and am still going for private councelling. At first you wonder (for about the first 2 years) why you are there, what happened in my childhood was not that bad...worse things happen to other people. Then I became pg and had my first child...I divorced my mother when 8 mth pg as I could no longer cope with her abuse. Its been a long 18 months since then and I still get grey days and I still to this day deny I feel anything for her, I don't want to admit she still has the power to hurt me. But she does and this is coming out after much councelling.

Now how this helps your mate I don't know...but all my advice I've typed and retyped seems trite...I have experienced some things she has...but not all at once.

She needs to realise she will NOT GET BETTER without the help of a councellor. She needs that support. She CAN get out of this...but little steps at the time...she needs to be really brave, maybe with your help and tell GP she is suicidal. She needs to see a councellor asap and that may help get her further up list (?don't know how it works...? anyone?). She does not have to do anything she does not want to do. Including giving up drink, I may get shouted down for that...for the childrens sake I think she should and for herself...but I remember how I started drinking heavily while at my worst.

I'm sorry if it feels I have hijacked with my life story but I really want to get thro to your mate and she's not here! Does she have a pc?

Anyway...as I said, baby steps. Point out she needs someone to help her, that is a councellor, and its okay to ask for help from GP to get to see one asap. Marriage, emigration, drinking all come after getting to see a councellor.

[ally90]

Scrap all that...been thinking about it since my post...

She seems in denial about her mother ie 'my friend tried to pretend she doesn't care what her mum thinks, but everytime she gets drunk she says things to contradict this.'

And her own mother cut her off after she stood up to her.

Rings bells...Pages where are you!

You could...rather than buying expensive books...validate her experiences with her mother by printing off this (v long) thread. Not sure if you have the paper and ink to spare...it must be the length of a Virgina Andrews novel by now...

All of us who have found it have found people who share one common theme. Abuse by family. Emotional abuse, like me, physical and sexual abuse...its all as one. We have all suffered and all of us do the 'well it wasn't that bad...maybe i'm exagerating...worse happens at sea' mentality. But it WAS that bad and it STILL is that bad...but its getting better thro talking about it which is therapy in itself and can be very cathetic and getting councelling.

And to me...this is the root cause of all your friends issues today, her emotional abuse and probably emotional neglect. Once she realises she is NOT ALONE in all this, being emotionally abused and being cut off by her mother and family she may then have the strength to ask for the help she needs to get better.

And that was meant to be a short post. You should see my medium length ones...

Keep posting, this must be really upsetting to you and frustrating that you cannot get your friend to get help. But she needs to want to do this.

Good luck, if you try the print out idea...try the casual approach...'oh i was on the net the other day and thought you might find this interesting...nice weather isn't it?'...

[concernedmate]

Thanks for posting ally90.

i will definately consider printing it off and showing her.

[concernedmate]

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[concernedmate]

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[indiasmum]

i'm afraid i dont really have any experience to impart just wanted to say how awfully difficult this must be for you. you are already doing the best you can and she is very lucky to have such a caring friend. keep strong

[concernedmate]

she has spent the weekend drinking, which only makes her moon worse, she said she will stop drinking when the kids go back to school, but I worry she will find asn excuse to drink.