Those of you who've split up from long term relationship/marriage.............NEED TO TALK :-(

[ShockedToHaveToAskThis]

I'm a regular but changing name for obvious reasons.

I'll try and make this as short as I can.....

Dh had awful childhood, no love, beatings, the works. As a result (pretty sure that's to blame), he's become an angry person, he's crap with dealing with emotion, crap at being supportive, easily depressed and very snappy/picky. He's also a lazy git!

Right, I'm 31 and dh is 46 but I've always been the mother and he's always been the baby. Been with him for 11 years now and am tired of it.

I'm so bored of the amount of times me and h have talked about the way he treats me, he really can be quite an arse. The way he was brought up and the way it was at boarding school made him a very regimental person and everything has to be in it's place so he gets very ANGRY when say he comes home from work and ds's room (he's 4 btw) is messy. I'm a childminder and currently have 4 children under the age of 5 to look after so I can't always be monitoring how tidy ds's room is!!! That's just one example but it's a HUGE thing with dh! Along with the fact he hates it when a bed isn't made properly and will get really ANGRY about that. He gets really ANGRY when it rains 'I fuking hate this country!!', he gets really ANGRY if the service in a restaurant/shop isn't good 'Oh, the fcking service in this country!' and so on. About 6 months ago, dh totally lost it, had a major breakdown, was frightening!!! This thread says more...www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=2100&threadid=286478&stamp=070824153008

It was so bad that I explained to h that he gets help or we're finished. Because he was so bad, beating himself etc etc, he agreed and we went to the Dr together. Counselling was prescribed and we had a 3 month wait for the letter to arrive. He made an appointment but cancelled and never re booked. Things HAD been fantastic since the breakdown, almost like he let out years worth of stuff. Anyway, he starts being horrible again last week and the nice dh didn't come back. We talked last night, it was all calm and no shouting, surprise really! Anyway, I mentioned the counselling and asked when he was going to rebook and he made it perfectly clear he WILL NOT SEE A SHRINK!!! He'd either lied or he's changed his mind. His anger needs dealing with, it really does. His sister is ashamed of him etc etc. Instead of agreeing to get an appointment, last night he told me he thinks we should get a DIVORCE!

So, either he really thinks this OR he's trying to get me off his back about the counselling. My bf and sil have both said they think he's playing games and hoping to win me round, they told me not to back down. So, I've agreed with what he said by saying 'if that's what you think then ok', we talked about how to do this and I explained that as I have feelings for him, I can't have him just living on the sofa and we carry on with life, I'm a childminder and therefore in the house a lot more than him and I just couldn't handle him being there but not iyswim, I'll get all confused and be in limbo land.

What I want to know is what should I do next? He's ok about going but he says he needs to sell some of his stuff first which I think is part of his game playing. I should just tell him to go now shouldn't I? He has NO family to go to, no friends he can just stay with as all his age and married with kids. We're tight for money so he can't just get himself a place like that but maybe I should suggest he get a b&b or something for now?

PLEASE HELP, I'm totally lost, disappointed, devastated that he thinks so little of us that he'd rather divorce etc. I need the strenth to carry this through. I can't carry on being treated the way I do.....I do EVERYTHING, work from early morning til 6.30, do overnight care sometimes, and from 6.30 when I finish work I'm rushing around cleaning, tidying, washing up, hoovering then bathing ds and putting him to bed asap so dh can relax - WTF - I end up sitting down about 8ish but dh is home from 5.50pm!!! Oh, and I'm soon back up to make dinner as we take it in turns.

I said to dh last night.....if we split up I'll have to do this extra.....put the rubbish out, cut the grass and errrrr that's it! I said at least being on my own I won't be disappointed with having an uncaring lazy husband, won't have to rush the night time routine as I'd be far more relaxed as no rush, wouldn't have someone picking at me for this that and the other when I'm working my butt off all day!! Actually, I didn't say it that bad as was all calm but it made him realise and he decided rather than change, we'll get a divorce as "you can do better!"

NOW, what's my next move??????

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Do you own the house or rent it? I think I would be inclined to call his bluff and tell him to leave. If he doesn't get counselling things are definitely not going to get any better.

I personally couldn't live with what you have to put up with.

I have to say I grew up with a regimental (step)father who had tons of rules and who got angry a lot and it has affected me all my life. How is this affecting your DS? Has he been violent with you or DS? That could be the next step unless he resolves his issues.

In answer to the title to the thread, I did split with someone after 5 years who I still loved because i could see no future. That was some time ago. It was hard but there were no kids involved. Been with DH nearly 10 years.

[divastrop]

for you.

i think your next step would be to tell him to leave-if thats what you want,but if it isnt then you will end up going round in circles.

reading between the lines it sounds like he would rather get divorced than deal with all the crap from his past,which is probably very scary for him.

do you love him and does he love you?

i split up with my xp after 4 years of physical and emotional abuse.we had split up and got back together numerous times but i thought he would change blah blah blah.it wasnt untill i realised i no longer had any feelings for him atall that i decided i wanted him to leave,and because i was scared of him it took about 4 months to pluck up the courage to tell him to go.

[ShockedToHaveToAskThis]

Thanks so much for your messages, I was deep in coversation with dh last night so didn't see these messages. I'm pleased to say I finally (thanks to strength from MN!) managed to get him to agree to counselling and he meant it - if he dares to get out of it, he knows what will happen!

Ds nagging so if you're interested....here's the update....www.mumsnet.com/Talk/7/377244?stamp=070825104726