Should I worry???

[Sleuth]

I would greatly like some opinions here... how many of you ladies (or men!!) would be happy for their partner to go on a 4 day course, and apparently exchange details with someone of the opposite sex (landline[work or home, not sure], mobile number, and email address). This happened in December, and he didn't say a word...I found out (yes!! I snooped!) Does anyone else feel that that is crossing a line? I'm fine with making friends, but why does he have to hide it? ALL opinions gratefully received!!!

[CrookshanksinJimmyChoos]

I wouldn't like it....wouldn't mind too much if DH came home and said oh I had to take x's name for work purposes etc and then stuck it in file but to keep it quiet....mmm.....

[Sleuth]

Thats what i think too {smug}...If I go out in a group and there are men there I feel compelled to tell my dp!! LOL!!

[CrookshanksinJimmyChoos]

I don't think I socialise with men at all! lol Am a big believer in the men and women can't be friends as sex always gets in the way theory from the When Harry Met Sally film!

[Sleuth]

bump

[Sleuth]

Gathering opinions...just want to see if i'm being a psycho!

[divastrop]

i am of the same opinion as crookshanks wrt male/female friendships,but even if i wasnt i would still be very suspicious.

i would have asked WTF is this as well,given him 5 minutes to come out with an acceptable,honest,believable reply-and kicked his arse out the door if he came out with some lame excuse.

[FCH]

I would have more issue with the not mentioning it than the exchange of information per se. Also, being rather un-PC here, would have more issues if we are talking attractive / flirtatious / unattached member of the opposite sex than someone less overtly threatening if you know what I mean (although I probably wouldn't believe what he said on this subject so this is a bit irrelevant if you don't know the person!). On the whole I try not to be difficult about this sort of thing, but I expect full disclosure in return for being reasonable about the fact that DH does work with some women.

[ib]

I have done it a million times with male colleagues and never thought to mention it to dh. I am sure he has done it too and not mentioned it. I don't see anything wrong with it and I would have been most bemused if dh had ever questioned the fact that I hadn't mentioned it - I never told him everything that went on at work nor would I expect him to.

Oh, and training courses are partly for networking, exchanging details with someone you meet there is part of the job.

Even when I have gone on non-work related things I wouldn't think to mention it to dh if I exchanged contact details with someone.

[Desiderata]

It is highly suspicious, Sleuth. Highly ...

[Surfermum]

Are you sure he's "hidden" it from you, or has he just never mentioned it as it's not that significant?

[magsi]

I would try the casual approach and try to not look phazed at first, but enquire all the same as to why he has these details. (don't let him know you snooped, say you stumbled accross the info). I think if he is attacked straight away then he may not talk. Why did you snoop, did you have suspicions?

[normabutty]

Was he actually hiding it or is it a work thing that he didn't bother telling you about cos he didn't see any reason to???

It wouldn't bother me tbh.

[fiddlemama]

If it was a work related course I wouldn't worry at all. Networking is often a big part of these things and she is probably just someone he regards as a possibly useful contact for the future, but not important enough at the moment to think of mentioning to you

If it was something related to a hobby or leisure interest then I would be slightly suspicious.

[Sleuth]

Thank you all...[Deep breath] Its all because of facebook!! When I first looked at the site (I was away) I looked on my dp's page and saw a girl who said that she had "hooked up" with dp whilst he was on a boys holiday. He convinced me she meant "hooked up" in the context of "met, and hung out with for the evening". Fair enough, but I don't like the idea of him meeting girls in a bar and exchanging details. He said he exchanged details, because one of the other lads was going to contact her, and dp was the only one who brought his laptop. She was on his hotmail list, and he invited everyone on his list to be his facebook friend. However, I had a psycho moment and looked through his phone. He does have tons of people because of his job, but i did notice one (this is now girl 2)girl who merited 2 phone numbers and an email address, very much unlike everyone else. Then i noticed that he had sent this girl a beer on facebook (it came up on my page). I asked who she was and he said(in a very shaky voice) that she was on a course last december. And yes, she is a hot blonde. All his personal emails go to his hotmail account, not his email account that is with our provider. When I looked on his email page, his msn contacts were on the side, and she was there.
WHEW!! You guys still there!!!? Sorry its so long, but it feels good to unload!! I understand about networking, but 2 phone numbers, an email address, and keeping in touch outside work...
So, now the whole story is out, I ask again....should I worry??

[BlackCountryLass]

The shaky voice bit does sound a little worrying. To be completely honest with you, and I'm not trying to be critical here at all, but to be looking into all of your DPs contacts, phone etc makes me think that your instincts are telling you that something is wrong. Can you get a relaxed evening together and bring it up again, telling him honestly that it's been on your mind and then takeit from there?

[Sleuth]

We had a big chat over the "hooked up" girl...I explained that I am not comfortable with him exchanging details with girls in bars, even though he was doing it for a friend. I also said that I'm ok with him making friends that are girls, but I'd feel much better if he told me about it. He agreed that we need to talk more etc. This was only a few weeks ago, so i'm not sure that there is any new ground to bring up. I feel like he has a whole other life that i'm not welcome into. There have been other things that he has kept secret (financial etc). Yet, I know he loves me. He is a generally good guy. My theory is that we got married when he was too young (23)and maybe he didn't get all that out of his system. I have had a relationship in the past where i was cheated on alot, and I didn't like the jealous monster that i was. I have managed to keep a lid on the green beast, and i have worked hard to seperate that relationship from this one. TBH, I don't believe dp has DONE anything physical, but I don't like the secrets, and more than that, I don't like that i'm feeling all stalker/psycho -y!

[gemmiegoatlegs]

i'm sorry but "we hooked up" does not mean "we met in a bar in a totally uninvolved way"

[divastrop]

if he took her details for a friend then why didnt he just delete them when he had passed them on?

did he say she is a hot blonde,or have you seen a photo(not familiar with facebook myself)?

i have been tempted to snoop into dp's computer stuff in the past when i was feeling paranoid,but i knew deep down i could trust him,and it would be wrong to snoop.however,when i was with xh i had no qualms about snooping because i knew he was lying to me and i knew deep down i was just looking for solid eveidence.

go with your gut feeling.or ignore it if you'd rather not know...

[chocchipcookie]

I hope this isn't going to sound tough Sleuth but I'm 41 and I've been through this type of thing. If it were me I'd conclude that he was messing about with both these girls. Most men will deny it until the bitter end. The 'friend' excuse is one of the oldest in the book. I think you know this but you don't want to believe it. I'm really sorry if this sounds harsh. But I think the truth will out and I'm not sure it's ever better not to know. It's another thing to know and decide to overlook it, that's your call. Why does he need a secret, inaccessible email account??? It's like having two mobile phones...

[sleuth]

Diva, I saw her Facebook photo..Its possible to view your friend's friends, iyswim

[lou33]

if i said i had hooked up with someone i would mean something a little more personal, i hate to say

i would be v suspicious

[Paddlechick666]

as a big user of facebook i'd just like to say that on the "how you met" section there aren't a huge amount of possiblities.

however, there is "met randomly" which would probably have been more appropriate in this scenario. there's also "worked together" altho that probably doesn't fit quite right here either.

when you state how you met the other person has to approve this information but tbh, in a facebook context i wouldn't read too much into "we hooked up" as an indication of anything untoward.

given the details shared about this woman and the way your dh met her i'd be inclined to think he knew full well you'd be unhappy with it therefore didn't mention it. especially if he was doing it for a mate altho if you're suspiciously inclined that could be read as being the oldest story in the book! the mythical friend!

anyways, on the whole the fact that she's on his msn and therefore sucked in thru the facebook friendfinder and that he hasn't hidden or removed her details etc could point to the fact that there really isn't anything to hide.

your dh clearly thought as far as how this would affect you by deciding not to mention it. but, as is often the case, he didn't think any further than that to the point where he probably should've ignored the friend request and not bothered with her any further.

as for sending beers, it's the facebook booze mail or happy hour and you generally end up sending them to everyone on your friends list. it's like any of the applications you add, the more friends you invite the more credits you get etc.

see, told you i was a big facebook user lol!

only you know your own instincts on this one but if it were me, i'd try to remain calm and reasonable. tell your dh that hiding things will only fuel suspicion and distrust and that it's probably not particularly appropriate for him to encourage anything other than an aquaintance type relationship with her.

[Blondilocks]

I wouldn't read too much into the Facebook how we met thing - if I had then my ex bf would have dated one of his male friends in 1973 (he wasn't born for another 10 yrs!!) then split up and got on great, likewise my new man & several of his male friends who dated then had rows & never spoke since (even though they are best friends & get on great!)

Also if he had something to hide then I think putting that he hooked up on a public forum is rather stupid, although admittedly putting that they met at random would probably have been more sensible.

The best thing is to speak to him rather than jumping to conclusions.

It is possible to be friends with members of the opposite sex without anything happening.