anyone 'disowned' their mothers?

[rabster]

Dh has decided to disown his mother.

She is pretty awful - she never contacts us, never asks about ds, when BIL goes round with his kids (i.e. her grandkids) she asks 'what are you doing here?' and ignores them.

She threw dh out when he was 16 (and buggered off whn he was sitting GCSEs, and he failed them all despite being predicted good grades), but it was HIS fault she did so.

She starts lies about us to the rest of the family. DH never receives a card on his birthday / christmas etc.

When she visited us after ds was born, she was really pi55ed off that I had to go to bed (though dh and baby still there - I was 2 weeks post cs, and a non-sleeping baby) so left.

When we brought DS round when he was 5 months old, she ignored him completely - no interaction whatsoever.

In comparison, her dd is totally spoilt - her bf lives round there and they have everything given to them that they need. When dh got nothing for christmas she had a new car

etc etc


In all, DH feels that to cut out his mother from his life would save him and in the future, ds, from a lot of disappointment.

Basically, how do I support him when he does it?

[rabster]

Oh yes, his plan is to visit her and tell her how he feels, and why he wants no more contact with her...

[ally90]

Try 'My mother has cut me off, long story'

[ally90]

And reading the rest of your post...!

Good for him. Its a healthy option when all you get back from a relationship, friendship or relative is negativity. She sounds a nightmare.

How to support him? He may need councelling, most of us on the other thread have had it, having it or going too! Self help books...how about my personal favourate...'How to Divorce a Parent' by Beverley Engel. It advises on divorcing a parent, how to go about a face to face meeting to tell them (useful for your dh), divorce by letter (which I did) to temp separation, emotional divorce (still see them but emotionally you have cut them out) how to effect changes in your reactions to the things they say and do if you do choose to continue your relationship...be very helpful for your dh. You'll find it on Amazon. Another fave is 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward..? not sure thats the author but seen it recommended so many times...

Perhaps ask if he would like to read and post on the other thread, he's more than welcome and it would be interesting to see a man's/son's perspective. My dh has issues with his family and often wonders what other men think of their situation...

[Pages]

Yes, get him onto the other thread, we would love to chat about it to him.

Susan Forward is correct btw.

[rabster]

No chance of getting him on here unfortunately - he wouldnt be too pleased if he found I had asked you guys for advice on this one...

Also, he wouldnt go for counselling... Though he would talk to me about it.

any other ideas!!

[babyblue2]

My DH cut his mother from his life. She never supported him or anything he has done in his life, she chose to become very good friends with his ex wife rather than work on the relationship with him and his new family, she never paid any attention to her granddaughters, never visited and used the excuse that it was up to us to visit. She did send cards, presents etc and was very nice to DD's when we did visit her but it was all too much for DH. He can't forgive her for always thinking the worst of him and ignoring DD's. I support him on this although I do see her on the school run but we ignore each other. She also ignores DD's. They don't know who she is.

[babyblue2]

BTW it all ended with a bit of an argument and they've never spoken since. If that hadn't happened he just wouldn't have rung or visited or probably even answered her calls (not that she rang anyway)

[rabster]

oh my god that is so sad that they dont know who she is babyblue.
but I guess it is better than all of the hurt that could have happened?
do your dds ever ask about her?

[ally90]

Ummm....okay...well you can listen too him, he can read the books...he doesn't have to read the bits he doesn't want to read but the book I recommended does make suggestions with the face to face divorce so that could help him. If he wanted to, many of us find it useful to write out our feelings, i just type the first thoughts in my head about my family when i'm on pc, which usually then goes into a long theraputic rant and when I'm finished i read thro it then just delete it...or if he wrote it down he can burn it...if he feels angry get him down to the gym or kick boxing or something where he can let out any pent up anger...

The councelling is generally for how things from the past effect you now. My dh seems to have coped v well with his past and has moved on, whereas I feel the need to see a councellor so it can go either way. The book also suggests ways of telling your children why they are not seeing the grandparents and how to cope with any questions cropping up also, which may be useful.

Not sure what else, I wish him luck, I think he's very strong for doing this, and I guess he will feel relief and sadness afterwards...

How do you feel about it all? Any doubts or worries?

[rabster]

Thanks ally.

I will get the book and read it myself then I can recommend bits for him... Also glad to hear that there are bits about telling ds about her in it, as that would totally stump me..

Thanks for saying he is strong for doing this - my reaction was just 'Oh my God! Don't' (didnt say it though) - but that is because I can't imagine doing it to my mother. But as someone said in the other thread - how long will you wait for them to change?!

But then, there is nothing he will lose from doing it - she isn't a part of our lives, she doesnt contact us or concern ourselves with ds. All we will 'miss' is the disappointment of visiting her and ds being ignored and us feeling like we dont matter. And at least we won't EXPECT a card for christmas etc then be let down again....

[babyblue2]

No they have no idea that she exists. Even the eldest (4) doesn't remember her. We were recently in a situation where we bumped into each other and there was a mutter of hello and she said a bright hiya to DD1. Later in the day I asked her who the woman was and she hadn't a clue.

[michie40]

My DH has cut his mother out of his life for various reasons. He seems to be fine and I think somehow most men find it a bit easier to compartmentalise their lives than women. He thinks of me and his two dds as his family now. Although he has become very close to his father which is also a bonus. I just support all his decisions when it comes to his family and stand by him. Rabster your DH has you and his children now as the most important things - thats probably all he needs.