stand off 2 or 3?

[talcam]

This seems trivial compared to what some others are going through . However there are few people you can ask this type of question. I really prefer not to tell people what is going on (or not in my bedroom.
Our dilemma is this I would quite like 3 kids but DH wants to stick at 2 we have.

We have 2 DD's 3.8 and 15mo I would like another baby not immediately but maybe next year. (Babies do take a long time to cook though hence the conversation just now). I have no real reason for wanting a baby other than I really, really do. BC I thought I would have 2 but since the birth of DD1 I have always liked the idea of 3.

DH points are:
Perfectly happy with two DD's and why rock the boat? (You might get picked up on a better one (boat that is)).
What if something was wrong with baby it would seriously affect other 2 (True but I am still low risk age-30 and would get AFP done (I know its not 100%))
Financial worries (OK we are not the beckhams but not on poverty line either. House could take extra child, car probably couldn't)
Doesn't want to go through the whole baby thing again (It doesn't last very long and rewards well outway negatives imo)
He just doesn't

I short we can't see an easy compromise so would like some advice before it becomes a real issue

[talcam]

Would just like to clarify I do not want another baby to specifically have a son (or daughter). I specifically want another baby .

[whiskeyandbeer]

in truth there is no easy compromise as that would suggest you are both giving away some ground.
that can't happen here.you can't have half a baby, or him have it with you and then you raise it as yours because you were the one who wanted it.
it will come down to who wants it more/is more hard headed/ whines better. (alternatively you might reach it amicably through a reasoned chat. but thats no fun)
you both have very valid reasons. forcing someone to have a child is a terrible idea but not having it might lead to resentment.



why not get a puppy thats like a baby in a way.

[paulaplumpbottom]

Try to talk him around and remind him of all the fabulous sex he'll get to have while trying. You could always try to reason with him while wearing this:

www.agentprovocateur.com/jilly_2.php

He won't stand a chance

[whiskeyandbeer]

sorry but are agent provacateur actually promoting necrophilia?

[paulaplumpbottom]

I guess these days anything goes

[talcam]

This is exactly the point. We can't see a way to please us both. Hence the very civilised idea DHs btw of let lots of other people discuss it. Hopefully somone will come up with a brilliant suggestion (Read way for me to get him to change his mind .

We normally don't disagree on anything really, perhaps wasn't the best idea to pick this as the first!

[paulaplumpbottom]

Look its about comprimise. Have you really taken his feelings on board?

[talcam]

Just like to add that I started that post B4 the undies came on but I do like your thinking

[talcam]

I must admit that I find it hard to understand truely how he is feeling ( I have tried) but that is because it is the exact opposite of how I feel so I can argue a reason against all of his points.
There can be no middle ground and what we want is polar opposite therefore we can't really understand exactly what the other person is wanting. Does that make sense?

[paulaplumpbottom]

It absolutly makes sense.; Its a tough one. The only thing to do is to get hime to see your point of view. You have to make it very attractive to him. Unfortunatly I'm not sure how to do that without the lingerie

[whiskeyandbeer]

well i'd imagine he feels exactly the same about your opinion.
2 children makes perfect family size.perhaps you are just broody and wanting a 3rd child is just hormones. he's happy to have gone through the dependant nappy changing phase but even more glad it's over and doesn't want to do it again. sees that it wil potentially deprive existing children of certain things (fiancial or timewise). will cut into your time once kids are fully grown.
i'm not saying he is thinking all this but these are just potentially what he's thinking,he might have completely different reasons.so as much as you can't see any negatives to having another child he is seeing all the positives of his existing situation and what it means for the future.

[paulaplumpbottom]

Have you discussed it with the kids?

[talcam]

That is a fair point. I am looking at it from a there is no reason not to have 3 rather than its great to have 2 point of view.

[paulaplumpbottom]

How would you feel if you only had two? Would it be devestating?

[talcam]

No the baby is only 15m has very little opinion and the elder is only 3.8 so can't really understand all the implications of it. Although she did ask for a baby before but she has asked for other things that she won't necessarily be getting

[paulaplumpbottom]

Oh sorry thought they were older

[talcam]

I think I would always feel that there is a part of my family missing but at the same time I do have two beautiful daughters and it wouldn't be as devasting as having no or even only 1 child.

[paulaplumpbottom]

Maybe you should try to talk him around by pointing out how great a son would be, not that you would be guarenteed one

[talcam]

Still no answers but a lot to think about. I am going to have to retire its about 1hr past my bedtime. Thanks for all the advice so far.

[paulaplumpbottom]

goodnight

[MyMILisDoloresUmbridge]

whiskyandbeer! Typical man to say 2 is the perfect family size! Every man I know thinks that!

[VengefulSquirrel]

I persuaded dh to have dd after he was perfectly happy to stop at ds. dd is now 5 months old and we are just about sorting things out between us now - we have had some very dark days over the last year. At the end of the day, I can never regret her - she is so precious, but I have realised that dh is precious too, and what we have...I wanted that baby soooooo much, but didn't really realise how hard it would be to go through it all with dh only partially 'on-board'. So just think carefully...even now I get hurt when he can't get as excited as me about how fabulous she is. Maybe that will come in time, but really I would advise caution! Good luck

[EscapeFrom]

My father resented my little sister all her life because he had wanted to stop at two and my mum 'accidently' got pregant again. He resented my sister, showed no interest in her apart from getting pissed off at her, and never ever let my mum forget, whenever she asked for help with the youngest, that she "Brought this on herself"

[VengefulSquirrel]

oh god! That is a sobering tale. Yes, basically I would not want to go down that 'persuading' path again. There are just so many repurcussions, and without whingeing, cos I know i am responsible, it has been really hard to live through. Things seem to be righting themselves now, although I can only hope and pray that the future works out. I don't think that I could live with myself if there were any repurcussions for her - I now feel that it is my sole and personal repsonsibilty to make her world good in a way that I don't feel for my ds (although I obviously want him to be happy too! that just feels more of a given). I just feel so very responsible for her. Yet it is so difficult to be sorry, when she is everything I ever wanted, the two kids, ds and dd just feel perfect to me, and ds is so in love with his sister. Sigh!

[fortyplus]

I was keen to have a 3rd - dh wasn't. I came to the conclusion that he was quite traumatised by the idea, so I didn't push it. Now I see friends with 3 children having to book 2 rooms instead of one in hotels, pay extra for everything as 'family' tickets always assume 2 + 2, and drive around in a car like a tank.

I'm quite glad we didn't go for the 3rd!