Should my DP accompany his ex and child...

[CiderRosie]

I don't know what is 'ettiquette' really - DP has a ten year old child and when she's in school concerts (for example), DP goes along and sits with his ex to watch, then they go out for tea, stuff like that.

The thing is, my DP lives about 350 miles away from his daughter and his ex and so visiting is limited to maybe once a month, when he spends a couple of days with them (he doesn't stay in the house with them). So I can accept that it is hard for them all, but should I get so stressed that they still behave like a family?

[HappyDaddy]

I think he shouldn't be acting like a family. If he goes to see her, he doesn't have to sit with ex, he can sit somewhere else.

But it depends how amicable it all is.

[margoandjerry]

Ummm, they are a family - your stepdaughter's family.

Get over it.

[cookiesandcream]

They are a family albiet a separated one. It's not nice for you but when you enter into a relationship with a partner with baggage then unfortunately this is what you get. Please support him as this contact will be really important for his child. However sometimes insist that you are included as you need to have a place in his family too.

[RGPargy]

Happy Daddy - i think NOT sitting together would make the situation worse, wouldn't it? Surely that would cause animosity and the poor girl would wonder why mum and dad aren't sitting together.

I dont see any harm in him seeing his daughter once a month and going out for tea after a school concert etc.

[witchandchips]

i know its hard for you but i really needed to see both my parents together at things like this. think your ex is doing the right thing.

[CiderRosie]

Thanks all - and margoandjerry, there's no need to be harsh, I was asking what the ettiquette is and if it is normal for them to act like a family, I've never been in this position before and am only asking the question.

Another reason I ask, is that will it not be very confusing for the child, going out with mum and dad as a family one minute, then dad leaving them again the next minute..?

[Brangelina]

How long have they been separated?

I wouldn't worry too much if it's just the occasional thing, it would be different if it was every week and they were actively pretending to be a family. Does you DP always have to travel up and stay? Doesn't your DP's daughter come down to your place sometimes? TBH that would worry me more than the odd concert.

[MrsMarvel]

Hold on, this is not about exes, it's about children isn't it? Surely it would be up to your child to decide who should go and where do they sit. If they only see each other once a month he will want it to be right and stress free for his child.

I can imagine it's hard and perhaps you are feeling excluded. But don't forget there may be a day when you both go as parent and step-parent.

[RGPargy]

CiderRose - Your DP's daughter is 10. That's old enough to at least understand the basics of what's going on. Would be more confusing for her if daddy were to not come see her at all! Your DP is doing the right thing.

So many blokes dont bother with their kids, and that annoys the fuck out of me!!

[CiderRosie]

Brangelina, no the child never comes to stay with us, DP cannot let his child see us together or it will break her heart, and her mother does not allow her daughter anywhere near me. We have been living together for three years, and he was separated when we met, he did not leave his ex for me.

[mosschops30]

I think its great that he still goes to things like this and plays an active role. But I cant see why he needs to sit with his ex. Most of the separated parents at dd's school attend concerts and such like but they just dont sit together.
I think thats perfectly acceptable.

[mosschops30]

Cider are you not concerned that he cant 'allow' a ten year old to see her dad with another woman??
Think my dd would have this sussed.
It seems a bit ridiculous tbh

[margoandjerry]

Sorry to have been harsh. But the question amazed me, to be honest. The etiquette is, you do what's right for the child. It seems both parents are willing to maintain cordial relations either just for the sake of the child or because they actually don't mind spending time together. What on earth else would they do?

I speak as the child of parents who divorced with much trauma but who managed to show a united front at events such as this and who are now actively friends, 30 years later.

[Baffy]

IMHO I think they should go to things together (parents evenings, concerts, sports days etc) as those sorts of occasions are important and it is nice for all of them if they're all there.

Not too sure about the meals out etc though - that bit would be confusing I think.
My parents split when I was very young. They did the important events and occasions together for me. But if we'd have had family days out or meals out etc I'd have got my hopes up that they may get back togther (and this was something I always wished for).

Great that he has a good relationship with his ex and can do all of these things. But I do think there needs to be clear boundaries for his dd's sake. Difficult situation I know.


(Obviously can only go on my personal experience here so others may see things differently.)

[Wisteria]

My ex dh lives just up the road, we always go to dcs' things together and at times go out together for a drink/ meal to discuss things with the children. My dp wholeheartedly supports this and agrees that it is important for the girls to see us singing from the same hymn sheet so to speak.
We have found that it helps the dcs no end to see us talking and doing things together, we are always complimented by teachers and friends etc on how well adjusted the dds are to the split so I would say let it happen and try not to worry. If it was done in secret then that would be different, but it seems to me that your dp and his ex are being very mature about the split and putting the dcs first.

[Mumpbump]

It wouldn't bother me if dh sat with his ex. I have actually suggested he go for lunch with his dc and her on their birthdays, but he doesn't want to. What would concern me more is that your dp doesn't want his dd to see you living together. Young children are more adaptable than older children for a start so the sooner she is exposed to the truth, the easier it will be for her to deal with it - can you imagine her dealing with teenage hormones and the sudden revelation that he is living with another woman?

I suspect that whatever his noble intentions are, he is encouraging his dd to hope that he and her mum might get back together - completely natural for children at all ages, ime! Against that backdrop, it is perhaps more understanding that you would worry about them playing happy families...

[Hulababy]

Sounds like your DP is trying to do the right thing for his daughter. He and his ex are his daughter's family, whether still togethrer or not. If it can be done amicably I can only see benefits for the child.

I can imagine it is quite stressful for you though, and must make you feel a bit odd. However, I guess this is one of the things you have to deal with and take on when you meet someone with a child from a previous marriage.

[HappyDaddy]

True. Although I haven't been told about anything like concerts / plays / etc for years so am a bit biased.

[expatinscotland]

What a bizarre relationship.

[Mumpbump]

Just to clarify, I don't mean he is intentionally encouraging his dd to hope, but I suspect that is the end result of what he is doing...

[Brangelina]

I'm not sure about the maturity aspect if a 10yo child isn't allowed to know about her Dad's private life. Ex not allowing her daughter to meet the OP is not a positive message and makes me wonder if they're not actively pretending to be a family.

Wasn't there another poster on here a while ago who had a similar problem?

[Baffy]

Agree with Brangelina

[CiderRosie]

Thanks, I feel much better for reading these replies. Yes, I guess I am a bit insecure, but when you're sitting on the sidelines, constantly being treated like an outcast, it's not easy to feel secure. I am told in no uncertain terms that I won't be part of his daughters life (he is scared his ex will turn his child against him), and he also last night came out with the ludicrous statement that the only reason I want his child included in OUR lives is so that I can 'get my own back' and be bitchy to his ex. ???

Why would I want that? The woman has never done me any harm.