Parents! Desperately need advice...feel so sad

[Myfairone]

Long story short I gave birth to my son 3 weeks ago. Before the birth I was very close to my parents (only child) and my Mum was very involved in my pregnancy (came to every midwife appt etc). She had assumed that she would be present at the delivery and I found it very hard to tell her that DH and I wanted to do it alone.

On the day of the birth she arrived at the hospital and proceeded to 'get involved'. DH and I were very uncomfortable and Dh asked her if she would mind letting us do it alone as a couple. SHe stormed out and things havent been the same since.

DH and my Mum had a huge argument (she said that DH kept taking the baby from her!) and Dh just let it all out and brought up how she was interfering in our relationship. It went from bad to worse and now we are at the stage where my parents do not come to my house and so it leaves me in the middle.

I am so low right now and really feel that this is a ridiculous situation. I have been put in the middle and if I do not make the effort to take my LO to see them then they won't get to see him at all.

I called today to say I would take him over there and my parents said they are going out.

I feel so sad and so down and I'm petrified that Im going to get depressed. I keep crying and I cannot get the situation out of my mind.

Any words of advice would be much appreciated. I feel in the middle and I feel like I'm the only one trying. My Mum always makes me feel so guilty about everything. When she said they were going out today she had to add in that they were expecting me this morning...thing is, i cant get myself together enough to get out of hte house before lunch!

I'm sorry this is a long post but I feel better for writing it.

[Paddlechick666]

hi

so sorry that you're having to deal with all this upset and at what should be a very happy time.

don't be too hard on yourself, you've just given birth and your body is undergoing massive hormonal change.

IMO, your mum is being unreasonable in expecting you to visit in the mornings. took me months and months before i could get out of the house before lunchtime!

tbh i think you're going to have to call a summit meeting with your parents and your dh and get it all out in the open and resolved.

explain to them how upset this whole situation is making you. get dh to apologise for the way he "let it all out" whilst explaining how important it was to you as a couple to have just him at the birth etc.

appeal to them and tell them how much you want and value their input but at the same time need to be given the space to learn your own ways of parenting etc.

in your mum's defence it does sound as tho she was expecting to be at the birth having been so involved in the pregnancy already. waiting till you were in labour at the hospital to tell her she wasn't was probably a bit late!!

i know how hard it is to tackle difficult situations with parents but unfortunately you have to do it head on and get things out in the open.

am sure your parents are desperate to have more contact and be more supportive of you as a family.

good luck and congratulations on the birth of your son.

[brimfull]

Sorry you're going thru this at such a stressful time for you anyway,tis the last thing you need.
I think your parents are being childish and controlling.You dh did the right thing by telling them the truth.

I think your parents will eventually come round,afterall they have a lovely new grandchild.They're probably still reeling from the argument.
Could you go round or invite them round and try and clear the air?

[NineUnlikelyTales]

I think your mum's behaviour is very bullying and childish. She clearly does not like having the word 'no' used in her presence. You poor thing, this is just what you don't need at the moment

Please do not allow your parents to dictate where and when they see your DS. You have enough to be doing without rushing to their house in the morning, and being made to feel guilty for not having done something they never asked you to do is classic bullying behaviour.

If they have your best interests, and those of your DS, at heart then they will be prepared to put aside the disagreements over the birth and come to your house. If they cannot do this, and continue to dictate the terms of your relationship as if you were still a child, then I would question whether this would be healthy for you, your DS and your relationship with your DH in the long term. You are a mother now, not just a daughter, and this will always be the most important relationship from now on.

I had to put my foot down with my DPs early on as they were trying to tell me how to bring up DS and found it hard not to be 'in charge'. We had a difficult few weeks but have come out the other side with a better, more adult relationship and they fully accept that DH and I are the parents now.

Good luck

[gess]

I think your parents are being very childish. You need to lay some ground rules. Just say you're no longer getting involved in silly games, you're tired from rushing around with a new baby, they're very welcome to come and see you and the baby and dh whenever they like & you lok forward to seeing them.

It does sound as if they haven't made the switch to you being an adult with your own family (you, dh and baby).

[WinkyWinkola]

I'm really sorry to hear this is happening at such an emotionally vulnerable time for you.

It does sound like your mum doesn't really understand the boundaries that you want her to observe.

You do need to talk to her. Don't set yourself up for any more snubs from them i.e. they're going out when you want to bring round your son to see them. They're not being very nice or supportive. Who just had the baby here? For goodness sake. Childish woman. It's not about her - it's about you, your husband and your baby bonding together as a little unit.

I think you need to have a long think and discuss with your husband what is reasonable contact with your parents and then tell your parents either face-to-face or if they 're not coooerative in that respect, a letter.

Don't let your mum make you feel bad. She sounds very demanding to me.

It's important to be very clear and insist on what you want from them and how often to see them. If you want it to be flexible then make that transparent to them too. It's your life and if you make it clear then your parents can't be disappointed and make you feel guilty.

I had something similar happen to me and only by being very clear did it resolve itself. I know my DC's grandmother still resents the fact that I won't let her come over whenever she feels like or do what she wants with my children. She does try to take over wherever possible.

I still get annoyed when I hear about GPs behaving like children when they don't get exactly what they want regarding the GCs. It's as if they're expecting to be parents all over again.

Bear up. And give yourself a break. Your emotions are going to be all over the shop. Try to ignore any meaness from your parents. You're the one who's just had a baby, remember that and if there are any more snippy comments from them, say that you don't think they are being very supportive to a new mother etc. Make sure YOU are happy.

[NAB3]

I think some people have been a bit harsh. I don't think your mum is being childish. I think she is feeling very hurt and is reacting in a defensive manner. How close do you live to each other?
I would invite them over for afternoon tea and let her hold the baby as much as she wants. Say you are both sorry about how things turned out, apologise for not making it known earlier that you wished to labour alone with your husband, and say we can start again. This baby is a delightful new member of the family and there is plenty to go around! Good luck.

[gess]

Actually yes try that first, but if it doesn;t work don't be afraid to lay down ground rules (we had to do some of this when we married - we basically decided our mantra would be "i'll just check with other half" before agreeing to anything. Apparently when ds1 was born dh sat all the gparents down and told them he was our child and we didn't want any interference and we would be making all the decision! My mum still sniggers about it to this day, but it did do the trick, neither side has been interfering.

[MilkMonitor]

I think it sounds like your parents do need boundaries set for them. Were you too worried to tell your mum before labour that you didn't really want her there? It's tricky.

Your mum may be hurt but she's still behaving like a kid and not supporting her grown up daughter's wishes. She's flouncing about like a teen! Dearie me.

[ScummyMummy]

Aww. Poor you. Sounds very hard to have to go through this with a brand new baby and hormones all over the shop. Is everything else ok? I remember things feeling pretty overwhelming at times at that stage.

Does dh know how you're feeling? Wouldn't he and your mum melt a bit if they understood that you're feeling all churned up and sad and weepy and you need them to rally round and make up? I would try lots of explaining how you're feeling. And don't worry about losing it or crying on everybody. I think they all need to know that you need them.

I really hope things feel better soon.

[ScummyMummy]

And congratulations on the birth of your lovely boy, by the way! I bet he is gorgeous.

[hls]

You could try 2 things- get your DH to apolgise for speaking harshly to her, but still standing by what he says, and writing your mum a letter telling her how you feel.

The problem has arisen because your Mum didn't read the signals early on that she was over-involved.

I am sure she will come round in time- but youhave enough on your plate with a 3 week old baby without having to deal with her sulks. tell her that. She needs to get off her highhorse and start behaving like a grown up, not a prima donna. Try to stay strong- but either write to her or maybe visit her on your onw for a proper chat and tell her how all this makes you feel. Make her still feel wanted, but on your terms- not hers. She needs to get a life of her own too- instead of focusing all of her energies on you.

[tigermoth]

Three weeks is no time at all - retreat from it all, enjoy being with your baby and your dh. Don't try to rush round to see your mother or be the peacemaker. You don't need to take that on for now. You have lots of new things to get used to, and sleep to sort out and remember they call this the babymoon period

Good idea to invite your parents round to celebrate the birth and talk, but give them (and yourself) a week or so notice. Don't rush into this meeting and let it stress you out.

If your mother is still being interfering set some ground rules, just as others have said.

Hope it all works out.

[michie40]

Please remember that you and your baby are the most important things at the moment - with everything that you have been through I think your Mum should take this into account.

[Pages]

I agree you have enough on your plate and should not be responsible for your mother's feelings. Hopefully your mum will come round and is just suffering a temporary loss of ego over the fact that she is no longer number one in your life, so concentrate on your baby and try not to let this cloud your lovely time with your own little family. You are going to need all your strength and energy for the sleepless nights ahead so PLEASE don't waste it on your mother's pettiness.

You are not alone in having a mother who reacts in a childish way to your "growing up" (symbolised for many of us by having our first child) and there are quite a few of us who have lost previously close (or supposedly so) relationships with our mothers after our children came along. There is a long thread about it if you are interested but I do hope you don't need to join it and that this is just a blip, while you are all adjusting to a new situation. Good luck.

[Spandex]

Some great advice here. And you know, you all will adjust. It's huge having a new baby around. It's a big deal and everyone needs a bit of time to adjust and find their place.

To a certain extent, it's now your role to make the decisions about who does what and when and how with your baby/child. You're the parent now - it's up to you to make some decisions and not let your mum make them for you by letting her moodiness get to you.

I do think your mum is having trouble adjusting - who on earth behaves like that to a mum with a new baby? - but I think you need to make some decisions yourself. But leave it a while. Enjoy your baby and let your DH enjoy his new child too. Then consider everyone else. You come first.

[Myfairone]

Wow, I honestly didn't expect all of these posts of support. Thank you all so very much. You are all right and the advice you offer is superb.

My hormones are all over the place..I'm crying over anything and everything and DH has been very supportive, BUT, whenever I bring this up he gets very angry and very emotional and I really cannot deal with it. He refuses to back down (he is a stubborn man!) and my Mum is one of these people that doesn't do 'talking'! We spoke once on the phone just after the birth about the situation and she said that she never wants it mentioned again. She is happy to accept that we are 'one of those families where the MIL doesn't get on with the son in law'....

So Im left stuck in the middle.

I don't seem to be coping very well with it at all. I was okay while DH was at home but now he has gone back to work I seem to lose myself in thoughts of how to resolve it or worrying about whats going to happen. I want my parents in my DS's life but I dont see how it will resolve if I have one that refuses to back down adn one that refuses to talk about it.

I just wish that I could have enjoyed this time but now I know that whenever I look back on the birth of my child I will remember this dreadful situation.

Thank you all so much for your support..I hope over time that I can relax and accept that there are some things out of my control....

[scattyspice]

Poor you.

You're mam's being very silly (mine went pretty silly too when I had mine, almost like she wanted them to be hers).

Do remember that what you expected to be a special time is often apparently spoilt by events and other peoples behaviour.

Try to concentrate on you, your baby and your DH and let everyone else sort themselves out.

Good luck

[IsabelWatchingItRainInMacondo]

You mentioned DH said your mum was interfering in your relationship, would it be worth it to explore these issues with him before asking him to apologise?

It is terrible this is happening at a time when you feel more vulnerable and when you need a lot of support from your mum (taking that is the case considering how near she was to you during the pregnancy).

I think your mum may be scared of being told off again, but at the same time, I don't think you should expect your DH to apologise for what he felt and said, until you have dealt with the issues he has about your mum interfering.

I would suggest to concentrate in your baby and your husband for the time being, you need to find your feet in your life as a new family, and spending a good time with the baby on your own is actually quite good.

[Pages]

I don't think your DH is in the wrong. It sounds like your mum HAS been rather over-involved. I don't know about the rest of the relationship but having your mum along to all your ante-natal appointments and her expecting to be there at the birth is too much IMO. Your DH is quite rightly trying to reclaim his wife and his baby.

But I suppose how it was said to her could have been hurtful. It's often the case that it's not what you say but how you say it that matters. Maybe you could reach a compromise whereby it is acknowledged that your DH was right to feel the way he does and that your mum did need to back off a bit but maybe if emotions weren't running so high he might have put it a little more kindly? And also point out to them both that if they really love you they will stop putting you in this postition at this very delicate time?

If it's any consolation, me and DH had a dreadful time after DS2 was born, we rowed the night DS2 came home from hospital and the ensuing months were possibly the most stressful and miserable of my life. We are now extremely happy and DS1 and 2 are both fab and I had actually completely forgotten about that row until I typed it just now! Try and get some rest honey and look after yourself and your lovely baby.

[Myfairone]

Thank you again for all your great advice.

The problem that I am having is that I totally agree with my DH and you are right, he is just trying to claim his wife and child for his own. He was merely trying to protect me and take care of me the best way he knew how.

He wasn't rude when he asked my Mum to let us go through the birth experience alone and he even apologised later on if it had offended her. Its the stuff that was said afterwards that caused the argument. Mum was petty saying that he wasnt letting her hold the baby enough (the baby was 3 days old and DH merely wanted to hold his child!)

Mum has been really petty and I guess she is upset because for once in my life I told her she was wrong. It has hurt her and I am sorry for that but she still trys to lay the guilt on me by telling me how hurt her and my father are...it seems to be about them all the time and how they feel and not how I feel.

All that said, I tried today to take my son to see them and they went out! Simple as that.

So going forward I think I need to concentrate on LO, Dh and myself. I am sorry they are hurt but its not about them as much now.

I hope things will one day be resolved but if they arn't I just need to let it go.

Thanks again for all your great advice and kind words...it is so appreciated. I had no-one to talk to today and all of you really helped me...thank you.

[gess]

Remember you dh and baby are the family now. You just need to make your mum and dad see that. if you're straight with them I'm sure they will eventually.

[tryingfortwo]

Unfortunately my mil behaved in a similarly selfish manner following the birth of my dd. Are you an only child or is this the first gc? In the end now, around 2 and a half years down the line, I'm glad it happened as it showed my dh and I were a united front and that we had limits over which we would not go.

We now have a lovely relationship and the boundaries are well and truly set.
Keep in mind that your mother has been through all this, she knows what this period can be like for a new mum, she knows just how much pressure you are under and the natural stress which comes from lack of sleep and a total life style change. To put you under this stress knowing how vulnerable you are right now I think is the most difficult to understand or forgive.

If she is normally manipulative then this behaviour would certainly be part of that trait. Divide and conquer. I'm sure this was part of my mil's strategy. If she's used to being in control of things then she will hate this lack of control, but just as with a naughty toddler you have to stay united and show her that her tantrums and feet stamping won't work. you are happy to have her involved but it will be on your terms and not her own.

Stay close to your partner, stay loyal to your partner and stay civil to your mum but do not give in to manipulation and emotional bullying.

Good luck, I know how hard all this can be.

[petunia]

I think your last post sums everything up for you (and I'm talking as someone who has awful ILs that are similar to your parents; the world revolves around them and can't cope with the idea that me and DDs are their Sons family now). It sounds like your parents can't cope with you taking your DHs side. Your DH apologised and at the moment it looks like it hasn't been accepted. As hard as it is, I'd just leave your parents alone now. You tried today to visit and they didn't seem bothered. If they don't get in touch, it's their loss.

[Carbonel]

I am sure it will work itslef out - I think it takes our Mum's a bit of time to get used to no longer being the only Mum around and that we too now have a child.

FWIW you are certainly not alone - my ds was 2 days old when my mother asked me to come round (cannot rememebr what for now) and I really did not feel up to it - cue lots of tearful phone calls ending with her threatening suicide

Luckily I have a brother (my father died a while ago) so i just rang him and said 'deal with her, i cannot as I have a 2 day old baby'.

After a week or so of angst, all is well most of the time, we just have the odd spat when she gets too demanding. At least your parents have each otehr so I agree, focus on yourslef for now and slowly let them into your son's life.

[HansieMom]

You wrote: Mum was petty saying that he wasnt letting her hold the baby enough (the baby was 3 days old and DH merely wanted to hold his child!)

He was at home on paternity leave, right? And your Mom was just there to visit? So when you say "he merely wanted to hold his child", well, what he didn't want was for her to hold the baby. There were plenty of other hours in the day or night when he could have held the baby.

I think that's immature of him but your mom is acting quite poorly too. Such as when you called to come over and she tells they are just going out? Thank goodness you called! She missed seeing the baby just to continue her huff!

Now that he is back at work, how about inviting your parents over during that time? What does your dad say about this? I bet he hears a lot!