Feeling crappy and need advice (or a cyber slap???)

[psychobitch]

Been checking DP's phone and found out that he met a female 'friend' recently. Don't know any details of the meeting, the where or when or anything, but do know that they met.

Checked his phone again yesterday (I know I shouldn't) and he has been texting her.

I am feeling really paranoid and pissed off cause he hasn't told me he has even been in contact with her, let alone been meeting her.

Have always been paranoid about this particular friend as they were always texting each other, even when me and him were on a night out together, and I have always suspected that there was more to it than just friendship. Even though he denies it (he'd hardly say yeah your right though would he?).

Now I just feel like I can't trust him (although have real trust problems anyway) and I know I get jealous and stuff but surely keeping things from me isn't the way to go?

Feeling so shitty I just want to sit and cry.

Feel like I am his second choice and that if she was interested in him, he would be with her. As it is, feel like she uses him cause she knows he likes her!

Oh I am just so pissed off!!!!

[FlameBatfink]

I don't really know what best to suggest (I have trust/jealousy issues too, and have been known to check phones) - if you say anything then it will explode into a "you didn't trust me" arguement than the fact that he had been meeting her in secret.

If he had asked/said about wanting to meet her - what would you have said?

I have realised over the years that the more I get jealous and kick off, the more likely he is to hide innocent things (I wrecked his friendship with a girl at one point because she refused to talk to him after I got hysterical one night ).

[psychobitch]

I wouldn't have been happy about it. At all!!!! Would quite possibly have flipped.

Would most definately have asked him 20 questions before going, 20 questions when he got back, and not believed a word he said anyway!

Wish he would just stop talking to her altogether (which is what he seems to be pretending has happened).

He was in a right weird mood all day Sunday and he was texting her then, so thinking that that is why he was in a weird mood.

And the text she has sent him on Monday evening implies that he had sent her a really long text first (which he had deleted) and I really want to know what he says to her?

[theressomethingaboutmarie]

Psychobitch - is there any way that you and DP could have a cool and calm conversation regarding this? I don't know the details of the rest of your relationship but let him know that you do feel a little paranoid when he meets this person and doesn't even mention it to you.

[psychobitch]

If he finds out that I checked his phone he will go mad at me! We nearly split over it once before (had only been together a year then (now 5), and the reason I checked, and then said somethings, was because of the same female friend).

I am a very jealous person, and i do have major trust issues. Give DP the 20 questions when he goes out with his mates too.

I guess I check his phone hoping that it will prove I am being paranoid. And generally there is nothing on his phone. But just so upset now and don't know what to think. Right to not trust him I suppose is what I am thinking.

[cylon]

you need to get up and go do something.
a physiucal activity which will get your mind off it enough to allow yourself some relaxation, so you can sort your feelings out without feeling so miserable.
does that make sense.

[isaidno]

It is ok to have female friends.

It sounds as if he is in a no win situation. If he lets you know he is in contact with her, you are upset. If he doesn't you are upset.

Do you really have any evidence they are more than friends?

[wannaBe]

I've read your previous thread and tbh I think you really need to put this in perspective.

From what you've said previously you are a very paranoid and insecure person, and the likely reason why your dp didn't tell you about this friend is because it would give you more reason not to trust him than you already have.

I'm sorry to say this but imo the reason you are checking his phone is because you want him to be cheating on you so you have justification for your insecurities/paranoya.

Checking his phone is wrong, he is entitled to have other friends, even female ones, and he is entitled to some privacy.

How would you feel if the situation were reversed and he was giving you the 3rd degree/spying on you?

[sparklesandwine]

have you ever had counselling for your trust issues/insecureties(sp)?

it sounds like you would be happy if he never spoke to another woman in his life and that isn't reasonable i'm afraid (so cyber slap for you there )

i have had a few trust issues in the past and certainly agree that having an arguement or 20 questions is more likely to make him hide things from you and therefore make you question his secrecy even more

you sound like you are in a bad place in your realationship at the moment, i don't know if you have posted about this before but was wondering how long its been like this? has he ever given you cause to mis-trust him in the past with an affair or anything?

[psychobitch]

Just been on the phone crying to my mum. She thinks the same as you all do.

I met this friend once at a wedding party and he only very briefly introduced us. If it was him and one of my close friends I would have wanted them to meet properly. He then spoke to her every time I was talking to someone else. And I swear that he couldn't take his eyes off her when she was slow dancing (with her husband). He also disappeared to the toilet at the end of the night and she was stood near me, and she got a text. She looked embarrased and so did he when he came out and saw that I was stood near her. Obviously it was him that text her!

He went to her wedding and I wasn't invited, which I was told was because no partners of work colleagues were (he no longer works with her by the way). I later found out that other people did take their partners.

[whiskeyandbeer]

yes but if it was one of your close friends who he hated before he'd even met them and tried to drive you apart from would you really have wanted them to sit down together for a chat?
as has been said already the reason he didn't tell you is most likely because he can't as you will go nuts. so rather than lose his friend he just doesn't tell you so he can keep the peace.
has he cheated in the past? or have you?
just wondering where the insecurity stems from, not trying to offend.

[psychobitch]

He has never cheated in the past, that I know of anyway?

I have never cheated on him either (but admit that I did cheat on a previous boyfriend).

I have very low self esteem and can't see why he would want to be with me, so therefore I guess that I am constantly waiting for him to realise he can do better.

And I know that by not trusting him I am more likely to push him way, just not sure how I stop feeling the way i do. Especially when I know that he is lying to me and keeping secrets.

[ELF1981]

You just have to get over it, you'll drive yourself mad if you dont.

[cestlavie]

As everyone else says, this is really a 'you' issue rather than an issue about his friendship with the woman.

I'm sure you know what everyone's saying is pretty reasonable, i.e. it's normal for blokes to be friends with women and he only keeps bits of it secret from you because he knows you'll go nuts if you find out he's texted her, let alone seen her for a few drinks.

To be brutally honest, from his perspective, he's probably trying to desperately hold on to a close friendship that his current relationship is trying to pull apart. You say you want him not to lie or have secrets, but equally you say that if he was honest about being in touch you'd go ballistic. The dangerous reality is NOT that you'll drive him into her arms (that only exists in your head) but that you destroy what you have with him.

I wish I could offer more sage advice, but you need to deal with your own jealousy issues. It sounds like lots of people have been through similar... perhaps they've got some good advice. Good luck with it.

[wannaBe]

"He went to her wedding and I wasn't invited, which I was told was because no partners of work colleagues were (he no longer works with her by the way).
I later found out that other people did take their partners." so of course she invited only him so that they could get it on.... at her wedding...

And is he lying to you? or has he simply not told you about the contact he's had with her? Because the two are different.

If you want to drive him away you are going about it in the right way. I have been on the receiving end of that kind of paranoya, and after I got sick of the constant reassurance that I didn't want to cheat/was not going to cheat/was being faithful, I started to talk to more and more of my male friends because he didn't trust me anyway so might as well give him reason not to.

You really need to take a long hard look at yourself and the way you are acting. Your behavior toward your dp is unreasonable, and if you are not careful he will get sick of it and leave, and so you will have the proof you want that you are worthless and so the cycle will continue.

This is not healthy; you need to seak professional help imo.