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Relationships

HELP - I need advice on marriage please

33 replies

Anitaz · 14/08/2007 10:40

Sorry for the LONG story, but you need the background info.

My husband and I met seven years ago..I was 19 years old. We moved in together and I forced him to get engaged. Due to medical reasons, I fell pregnant and forced him to marry me. We had a great relationsip until we got married. He wouldn't touch me for weeks after baby was born. He would tell me I am fat and I need to lose weight - ALL THE TIME. My son is now 2 years old.

He has another daugther from a previous marriage and she has made my life hell (Shes 9 and does not live with us.

Here we are now, married for almost three years...he has treated me like absolute shit. He screams at me and tells me to F#%@ off and other course things. He always leaves me with the kids and either works late or Saturdays or is out doing something. He flirted with a woman at my own HOUSE at my sons SECOND bday party in front of all my friends and family. I finally got to the point where I told I want out of the marriage he laughed at me and told me he will never give me a divorce and he will make sure I lose my job because he will make sure I am always in court, and he will take my son away from me....

He then got very ugly and ripped all my clothes and shoes, and things out of my closet and threw it all in the passage and kicked it into the spare bedroom. He damaged most of my stuff. We went away for one night to try decide together whether it was over or not.

We had the most amazing time and the best sex we have had in years. We decided it was over and he would help me look for a place to stay and pay child support.

I battled to find a place that I could afford and he said it was okay and that he loves me and wants me to stay.

So I did. In the last three months I have been chatting to a guy at my work (he works at a branch that is 300km away). He is married with two kids and his wife has cheated on him a couple of times, but he sticks around for the kids sake. We became best of friends - like soulmates. I have never met the man but we clicked. He made me realise that I am beautfiul and my figure is not that bad and that he finds me to be an amazing person. This made me realise that I was destroying myself by staying with a man that cannot be bothered to make any effort in our marriage and that he had totally crushed my self esteem. He only gets home most nights after 7pm!

We chat daily and phone each other daily.

I sent a too friendly message to him last night and I never deleted it off my phone, plus I tried to phone my friend twice due to issues on the product dispatch and I never deleted the dialed numbers out of my phone.

Well last night my husband found this and has accused me of having an affair and swears blind that I have slept with the man - whom I have never met.

Please can you offer me some advice. My husband is trying hard to make our marriage work, every two or three days. He feels that the way he has treated me and spoken to me is quite acceptable and he is the innocent party in all of this.

But I do love him and I need to convince him I am not having an affair - PLEASE HELP!

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MrsScavo · 14/08/2007 10:44

Do you want to stay with your husband for the rest of your life?

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JodieG1 · 14/08/2007 10:47

Your husband doesn't sound like a very nice man. He ripped all your clothes up and you stayed with him? The was he talks to you is abuse. I would leave him personally and not worry what he thought about me talking to someone else.

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Anitaz · 14/08/2007 10:49

I am not sure if I want to stay with him. But I cannot afford to move out. And what about my 2 year old son?

I am so worried that I will not be able to make it on my own!

He plays the emotional game with me...today he is nice and very loving and tomorrow he is a dog...

I am so confused!

My parents have asked me to give him a chance....but how much more must I give?

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madamez · 14/08/2007 10:50

Your husband is an abuser. The other man is irrelevant, really: you need to get away from someone who bullies you and destroys your belongings (the next step after this will always be physical violence). DO you want your children to grow up thinking this is what a marriage is? Call Women's Aid and find out where you can go, what steps you can take, etc. Good luck, but don't stay with this nasty, dangerous man.

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MrsScavo · 14/08/2007 10:52

Personally, I wouldnt' stay with a man who treated me like your husband treats you (but it's easy for me to say). It doesn't sound like a healthy environment to bring up a child. I have no idea if you have anywhere to go, what options do you have? Do you work?

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MrsScavo · 14/08/2007 10:53

For the firt time ever, I totally agree with Madamez.

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Anitaz · 14/08/2007 10:53

Am I not running away from my problems?

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MrsScavo · 14/08/2007 10:55

No, you are removing yourself from a destructive situation.

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Anitaz · 14/08/2007 10:57

I work full time and earn a salary. But the rent here in Johannesburg is ridiculous! I take home R7,500 per month and my car payments, petrol, maintenance on my car, insurance is R4000. That leaves me with R3,500 per month. Rent alone is R3,500 per month in JHB. That is not even groceries, school fees for my son or anything he needs. My husband has told me he will only pay me R1,500 per month child support....the school fees alone is R1,200!

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GoingThroughChanges · 14/08/2007 10:58

No, you're not.

Your're standing up for yourself & your son.

Are you & he of different cultures?

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macdoodle · 14/08/2007 10:58

Wonder how the other mans wife feels

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GoingThroughChanges · 14/08/2007 10:59

Have you no equivalent of the CAB? Or the CSA? If you go through the CSA your husband will have no say in how much he gives you for your son's upkeep! He will be told how much you & your son need to get.

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Anitaz · 14/08/2007 10:59

The sad thing is everyone adores my husband. They think he is the greatest since sliced cheese, because he is a real flirt and wraps everyone around his little finger.

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GoingThroughChanges · 14/08/2007 11:00

macdoodle, she didn't have an affair with the other man. She has said they are friends.

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Lizzer · 14/08/2007 11:00

Anitaz, really sorry you've found yourself in this situation. I was in an abusive relationship with dd's father but managed to get the courage to leave. It was the best move I ever could have made. Dd doesn't see her dad now but that is purely his fault for not wanting to. Its now 8 yrs kater and I'm happy and settled with dp who's caring and kind and everything dd's bio-dad wasn't. You are still young and deserve so much more than that kind of treatment. Don't do what your parents ask, they are not you...

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Anitaz · 14/08/2007 11:01

My husband claims that he will say he has no money and because he owns his own business he will fight and they cannot force him to pay more than he can and as he says all he can afford is R1,500!

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GoingThroughChanges · 14/08/2007 11:01

Anitaz, he sounds like my BIL. A bullying bastard. My BIL told the nurses in hospital that my sister was starving herself when pg, she had hyperemisis!!! Yet, the doctor wrote this in his notes & to this day it reamins on her medical record.

Her dh says he will go to court if she leaves & he will get the kids on the grounds that she is unstable & anorexic...



Please, look after yourself xo

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Lizzer · 14/08/2007 11:01

She hasn't even met him!

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Anitaz · 14/08/2007 11:07

If I could afford to move out I would have already left him....

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Anitaz · 14/08/2007 11:09

I am finding it so hard because I do love him and I know I will be giving up a good life.

I am so scared they will take my son away from me!

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MrsScavo · 14/08/2007 11:10

You're obviously in a really tricky situation. Would it be at all possible to convince your husband you would be better off apart, reaure him you would alow him access to your son, and then he might be willing to pay decent maintenance?

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Anitaz · 14/08/2007 11:10

Do any of you wonderful ladies live in South Africa?

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Anitaz · 14/08/2007 11:12

He has told me that he will pay me R1,500. If I fight him he will say he can only affor R1,000. He fought his ex-wife and she walked out of the courts with R200 per month.

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GoingThroughChanges · 14/08/2007 11:12

Sweetheart, from where I am sitting, your life sounds anything but good.

He won't take your son away from you.. how can he do that?

You deserve better than to living in fear every day.

Not in SA I'm afraid In UK.

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phdlife · 14/08/2007 11:13

anita from what I understand abusive men often use these kinds of tactics - acting like they know all about the law and can bend it to their will - to scare women into staying.

Find out all you can about what, precisely, the law says. There are bound to be agencies that can help you.

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