I know, another ILs problem..long and incoherent, but any advice appreciated.

[tejatiara]

Hi all,
Married for 8 yrs, 2 DDs, living in different continent than ILs, and they have been pushing to come for a visit - last visit was for 1 month, and it was very unpleasant. eg. pinched my DD till bruised and drew blood but lied to me about it. They do not really like DDs as I am the mom and DDs bi-racial and they are not BOYS. Didn't even play or get involve with DDs the entire visit, except to shout or issue warnings.
Expected me to take them everywhere sightseeing and shopping everyday (with 2 kids under 5) cook,clean,serve them and all this in between school runs.
Criticized the way I run my home, my kids, acted as if I am their servant, not their family, took over my home as if it's theirs - fighting over tv etc etc with kids while I run around the house doing chores.
Bigoted comments about me - I am Asian, ILs EU - this is another thing, they have no respect whatsoever on others' race,belief,culture - told me to feed another guest (different belief) who was living with us then, pork, and tell her about it after meal - according to them, the rules/religion is rubbish, and the guest will end up liking it as it's unthinkable not eating pork. I am an agnostic btw, but respect and would not interfere in others' belief/culture.
I was accused of spending too much of their son's money on groceries that no bloody wonder we couldn't finish our house back in EU (we are paying the mortgage with 1/2 of our pay every month and we are running the house and kids, school, etc, with what's left of it). If I didn't buy food, what on earth was I supposed to serve them?!I could go on and on, but it'll be xmas by the time I finish writing it down.
FYI, DH works looong hours 8am to 10/11pm - I was left to entertain ILs plus BIL. They wanted me to accompany them everywhere as they did not speak the language - fair enough, and told me to drop everything and accompany BIL for his shoppings as MIL is afraid her precious boy get harmed - BIL's English is okay, and he's 37 yrs old, FFS! I was very fed up and exhausted but there's nothing I could do as the IL's gets hysterical when somebody disagree with them. DH is the type that hates confrontation so, no direct communication was possible with them without risking tantrums.
So, it's been 2 years since the visit and now we are in a new country and they are whining to come - guilt tripping DH etc. If at all this visit doesn't happen, the only person to be blamed is me, as i am the evil asian witch who turns DH against them - and they are waiting in anticipation for us to turn them down so they have something to accuse me of. So, I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

[EscapeFrom]

Explain to your husband why you don't want them to come. then make HIM tell them they can't. He may well hate confrontation but that doesn't make you responsible for doing all the confronting!

OR absent yourself for the duration of the visit and take your children with you.

[maisemor]

You have to tell your husband to deal with their behaviour.

If I was you and they came to stay in my house as my guests and treated me like that, I would move into a hotel and take my husband's credit card.

He should also arrange it so that he is off on holiday whilst they visit.

You have my sympathy and I wish you good luck.

[Sunshinemummy]

If you're damned if you do and damned if you don't I'd say put yourself first and don't. They sound shocking.

[WanderingTrolley]

Your husband go visit them alone.

Protect your children from people who pinch them and draw blood, from racists and lunatics. Your ILs seem to be all three.

[moondog]

I think living in the same house as someone else for so long puts intolerable strain on all.If they have to com,ewhy can't they rent.I love my family dearly but wouldn't have them to stay for a week,nor would they want to,

[moondog]

Are they Eastern Europeans?

[warthog]

you are not going to be able to please them no matter what you do. they WANT to find fault.

protect your kids first, then look after you and your dh. and that means the il's don't come to stay. they can rent nearby, stay in a b&b, but can't stay with you. you need to be able to get away from them.

i don't think you owe them anything. if they want to be part of your life, they have to accept you and treat you with the respect you deserve.

[edam]

They sound deeply nasty. You'll be in the wrong in their eyes whatever you do, so don't waste your time trying to placate them - at least if they are bitching about you in a different country it's less harmful than if they are in your house, tormenting you and the dds.

You need to be honest with dh about the way they treated you and the dds - if he was at work 13 hours a day, he won't have seen how bad they are for himself. Perhaps write it down in case he still doesn't get it.

If he wants them to come, he can take time off work. If he can't take time off work, they don't come. Equally, if he wants them to come, he can arrange for them to say somewhere else locally.

The thing I'm most curious about is what is your dh like? I mean, he clearly grew up with poisonous parents, does he realise quite how barking they are and is he a nice person?

[thegardener]

If you want to keep the peace then maybe address all the issues with your husband first - as someone else suggested he takes time off work when they visit, they stay in a hotel, he stands up to them when they make stupid comments or upset/hurt children.

Family is important & so are boundaries

[tejatiara]

Thanks all, I am touched by the replies.
Moondog, they are italian and spanish origin residing in land of baguette (south)!
Well, To be honest, one of the reason why we do not want any friction with them is that DH bought a house 40 min. from them and it's under his name and the beneficiary is FIL.

We got married the year after and till now, FIL's name is still on the paper - We never thought about changing it being abroad and all (excuses, I know).
So it's been agreed between DH and FIL that FIL will supervise the works for the house. We continue sending 3/4 of our pay towards the completion of the house and had to stop 4 yrs ago as the kids grew up, schooling and we moved to a country where everything is super expensive. FIL exploded and accused us of sabotaging all his hard work. He dropped everything and proceeded using our house as a 'warehouse' dumped all the garbage from his house and what not.
From then, the house is about 98% completed but due to neglect, it looks worse than it is. We tried to see if we could scrape something up get it done and rent it out to help with mortgage, but he exploded again - he'd rather sell it than renting it to strangers (who's the owner here?!). What can we do, being abroad and only get to see the house a few weeks in a year. The only person that can help us is FIL and he is using that as a control over us. He wanted to sell his own house, move to our house and complete it - that was four yrs. ago - so we don't have to rent it, but we still pay mortgage!.

Till now, we are stuck - unable to rent, we don't want to sell. So, if relationship goes sour, the house will stay there for years neglected with all our possesions in it.
This I believe is the only control the ILs have over DH, and they are using it big time. They rather DH send all of $$ for the house and leave nothing for us the family - they are still worried that I am squeezing DH dry (so much for trust - after all these yrs.,and 2 kids).

Hence the demand for the visit - to check if I am living in the lap of luxury here.Unpaid slave is more like it!

Sorry for this long winded story, but had to let it out of my chest and see what others think of this whole mess.

[compo]

Would it be asier for you to go and visit them, just for a week, and stay in a hotel, self catering cottage or similar nearby?
Then you will have a bolt hole.

[HonoriaGlossop]

Tej i think your DH needs to take on his responsibilities here.

IF they visit, he must have leave from work for the whole time they're visiting. He is their son and HE needs to take responsibility for being with HIS family.

With the house issue, again, your DH needs to get some backbone! I am sorry if that's offensive but honestly, how he can let this situation go on and on is just beyond me. He needs to take charge. If he can't get what he wants agreed with his dad, then I guess it needs to be sold or rented out.

If this were me I'd be selling it and starting somewhere else completely free of involvement with his parents. He needs to break away a bit.

[tejatiara]

Edam, Poisonous is spot on, MIL can cry on command and mastered the art of guilt tripping, FIL is Mr know it all and worst, thinks he's right all the time from diaper changing to the price of camel in Arabia - gets highly irritated (to put it mildly) if anybody disagree with him. 3 sons and DH is the only one with relationship intact, a family. The other two sons are sailing stormy relationships, peppered with divorce, custody fights, real fights, etc. No thanks to ILs, they were/are in the middle of it.

As for DH, not because he's my DH i'm singing these praises but, he's a great guy, bit on the quiet side, very loving and committed to us but does have problem in demonstrating his love - not really nice especially when you have kids and have very little time together. He can be aloof and distant sometimes. I used to have problems on him being unable to communicate on emotional level, or even having an open talk with his DW, but after seeing FIL in action, I forgive him. The man can really kill anybody's confidence.

The idea of DH taking a break is fantastic, will definitely try that one, if the visit is unavoidable! Thanks you guys are great!

[mumsville]

Teja - very similar situation. Lovey southern eu dh, works long hours, resserved, uncommunicative, scared of parents. I'm anglo asian and thankfuly my mil lives in her country.

My god - I thought mine were bad (manipulation, taking money, inviting herself over, nightmare when my ds was born, was made to feel like a surrogate in my own home). I've been driven to thinking about divorce. BUT THEY ARE NO WAY AS BAD AS YOURS!

Again, never had any respect for my culture(s) and all ok as long as I eat their horrible food. They hate veggies, think people who don't eat beef are stupid (ie half my family) etc. Very offensive.

Good luck in gettin your dh to tell them where to go - but I don't fancy your chances. People from that part of the world don't do hotels - it's expected to stay with families even if cramped.

You need to tell them where they are on the food chain. They come - you and kids go somewhere nice on holiday for the duration.

I feel for you - I lie awake dreaded a call from mil - but she's no way as bad as your ils!!

[McEdam]

Glad to hear your dh has managed to come out of his childhood so well. Speaks volumes for his strength of character. And says a lot for you that you've been able to deal with the less attractive bits he inherited.

[tejatiara]

Hah!, it's more of me being tired of sounding like FBI interrogator the first few years(100 questions just to get a full story/scenario of something so simple like which shop did he buy the bread).

Now I'm doing the monologue (talk,talk,talk, DH says one word every 100 words I utter - if i'm lucky).
Imagine the farmer character in Babe the Pig movie - wifey yacks nonstop and DH does the monosyllabic ones ha! ha! hmmm,That'll do,pig.That'll do....