Please, suggestions for helping dh 'connect' with ds

[clumsymum]

DS is 7, very nearly 8, the usual cheeky, willfull child, with a fairly short attention span, who needs to be asked several times to do things.

DH is nearly 45, not into sport or kick-abouts, likes to read, and chill-out. Has spent the last 2 years working away Monday - Friday, and weekends are becoming much of a trial for me, as my 'boys' just don't seem to get on together, not helped by the fact that dh won't do lots of the stuff that I think daddies should (sudden silly rolling about on the floor together, off to the park for a kick-about etc). He would do model building and stuff, but ds doesn't get heavily into that sort of thing, and dh tends to concentrate on how ds is doing things wrong.
I have tried to point this out to dh, who takes it as bad criticism, so it can make things worse.

DS now just sees dh as a grumpy bloke.

I am REALLY hoping that dh's next contract will allow him to live at home for a while, but need to re-build their relationship. Apart from anything else, I think ds needs more male role-modelling in his life.

DH loves ds, but can't get into understanding him, and is unable to find any childishness in himself (had a pretty unhappy childhood, seems to have erased it from his memory).

Help?

[clumsymum]

I have thought of going out now and then and leaving them to it, but just a bit scared that they'd just be miserable together.

Apart from which, I want us to spend weekends together.

[BandofMothers]

The only way he will rebuild the relationship is to spend time with him where he is not picking at him.
You can't do it for them.
If he can't be bothered, well, that says a lot about him really.

[TheWiltedRose]

i have the same probs with my dp and ds cant help im afaid bu will follow the thread and hope we both get answers lol

[HuwEdwards]

get them both to write down 5 positive things that they like/admire about eachother.

[clumsymum]

No, it isn't that he "can't be bothered", more that he doesn't seem to know how.

DH absolutely adores babies, and was fantastic with ds when he was tiny. Just seems not to 'get into' him as a child.

[Tommy]

my DH has had to work really hard at this.

I think you have to force the issue a bit. Perhaps say "On Saturday, I am going shopping for 2 hours and DS would really like to do xxx" - cinema? library? anything really - just getting them to spend some time together is useful

[Mumpbump]

Be brave, go out and leave them to it! The only way they will develop a relationship is to spend time together. Send them on a day-trip to a leisure centre with a few different activities and perhaps they'll work out some common ground for themselves.

[mistlethrush]

My dh doesn't work away. However, I do seem to get a lot of the ds (2.3) care, despite working 4dpw. At one stage ds was refusing to let dh take him out of the car, get him up in the morning, or put him to bed at night (or complaining very loudly at it and saying 'no like daddy' and other such things).

It has got better over the last month or so - I've been out in teh evenings quite a lot, and dh has also had sole care for 24hrs (he was shattered - funny that). I'm lucky in that I know that dh does want to be with and close to ds, but that its also easier to let me do it - which means that he's never up for it unless he has to.

Do you think that your dh could do bedtime routine without too much problem? Reading bedtime stories is normally great and a nice cuddly time.

Hope it improves - best of luck

[clumsymum]

They do often cuddle up together on the settee to watch top-gear or something, and funnily enough, ds is more likely to physically cuddle up to daddy than me (I think cos daddy is bigger, and more enveloping of a largish 7 y.o.)

But they don't choose to do 'things' together.

[Doodledootoo]

Message withdrawn

[mistlethrush]

If they both like TopGear, is there something eg car related that you think ds would like to do that dh could take him to and enjoy and be more of a daddy thing to do than just park or something? Model car racing, air show, car museum, legoland, science/engineering museum or other similar place that's geared up for 7yo but would get dh explaining things and talking about things with him?

[clumsymum]

Oh I do, Doodle ....

I can't get dh to see that it doesn't matter if the job doesn't get done properly. He's a programmer you see, jobs have to be done, from the start to the finish.

Not helped right now because he's a tiny bit pressured/depressed, looking for his next contract.

I think I need to have a gentle talk with him on the phone tonight .....

Hooooo Hummmmmmmm

[cestlavie]

To be honest, it sounds like they're just different types of guys/ boys at the moment.

Personally, I love physical sports, running around, mucking about with toys and generally behaving like a little boy myself so matching DS's level isn't a problem, as it isn't for a lot of guys... (I can appear to be grown up if necessary, honest!) On the other hand, there are guys I know who just aren't into this sort of thing (e.g. love strategy based PC games, model building, statistics, quiet drink down the pub etc.) Neither's better or worse than the other, just different.

One thing you should be wary of is saying "this is what Daddies should do" even if you think so. There is no "what Daddies should do" provided they love their child. My own father was very much like your DH - never came out for a kickabout and was much more introspective but he was loving and provided academic help, advice in things he knew about and we went to the few things we enjoyed together (e.g. cricket).

Unfortunately, at this stage in life, the two different types aren't going to mesh very well BUT rest assured that if they do love each other (as it sounds they do) there'll be a lot they appreciate in each other as they get older.

In the meantime, I'd say, don't force them together. As mistlethrush says, try to find activities that they can enjoy together. Watching car programmes, playing video games, messing about on computers, going to car shows, whatever really.

[Tommy]

clumsymum - I think you may be married to my DH....

[FluffyMummy123]

Message withdrawn

[clumsymum]

Tommy

You know, I've wondered if he has another family up there in the NE, who he lives with Mon-Fri

[BandofMothers]

Sorry, wasn't saying he couldn't be bothered. Just that he would have to make the effort, and if he couldn't do that, then ...........yeah. Didn't mean to imply he couldn't be bothered.

[LIZS]

Board games(Risk, Top Trumps, Monopoly etc) , reading together(Harry Potter maybe?) or something physical like swimming during a family session with inflatables or climbing at a wall etc. Doesn't have to be for very long. Think also you need to relax a bit and either go out yourself or have them go out so he feels less scrutinised perhaps.

[clumsymum]

We have had a couple of good weekends, but things seemed to fall apart yesterday, and dh was really manky with ds when we went to the park. Admittedly ds had been a pain in the morning, not doing what he was asked, a familiar tactic when dh is home for the weekend.

After we came home they did play draughts together, but played 3 games, which dh won. He gives no quarter to ds, just saying "well he doesn't concentrate, why should I LET him win?"

I've set him off this week with a copy of "Raising Boys" to read. Might try to get a copy of "How to talk so kids listen ....."