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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

This is an abusive relationship, isn't it?

153 replies

veeworried · 27/07/2007 12:02

I am a regular poster who has changed my name and I hope anyone who reads this will understand why.

Basically I've been seeing a man for about 5 months now. Recently his behaviour has been very disturbing. There have been comments and behviour which made me think..that's wierd, or that's wrong but I rationalised them away - fairly mild stuff like critcising my appearance or my flat wasn't tidy enough. More fool me.

Well this all came to a head last weekend when he told me quite categorically that he had raped an ex girlfriend who tried to split up with. He was at my flat when this happened and we were on our own - I was horrified and very scared. He talked me round somehow and then the rest of the weekend was normal.

I have avoided him all week by pretending to be ill but the truth is I really don't want to see him again and want to split up but I'm so scared he will do the same thing to me. At the same time I feel guilty because he isn't always this awful person and I think about the lovely times we have had.

I'm very confused and scared but know win my heart what has to be done. But how do I get the strength to do it?

Thanks anyone who has read through that.

OP posts:

Report

Baffy · 27/07/2007 12:04

Does he have keys to your house?

I think you need to tell him it's over either by telephone, or have a friend with your for support.

cornsilk · 27/07/2007 12:05

Is there anyone near you that you can ask for help in dealing with him?

pipsqueeke · 27/07/2007 12:05

you ned to get out of this relationship and now.

does he live close by you? i'd suggest if you do split up with him in person to do so with plenty of people about- a few friends if you can as well.

you will find the strenght. I suspect you're a strong person inside it's just he's worn you down a bit - you can do this. remember MN is here for support. but your personal saftey is a must.

Desiderata · 27/07/2007 12:06

Oh, dear.

Did he admit this to you casually?

TranquilaManana · 27/07/2007 12:07

er... you really have to ask??

good grief woman - get yourself some legal advice quick. maybe you can do a civil restraining order or something.

smarts when you realise youve been a bit daft, dunnit?

newlifenewname · 27/07/2007 12:11

Yes it is. Bear in mind that he probably did NOT rape this woman and that it is fiction designed to scare you - emotionally manipulative and abusive people are often skilled and compulsive liars.

However, you obviously need to be very cautious and it would be well worth speaking to the Domestic Violence officers at your local police station. They are very skilled in this area and can offer advice and practical support. There is an agency that will come and safetey check/improve your property if you are at risk and I think the DV team can refer you or if not Women's aid will.

FluffyMummy123 · 27/07/2007 12:11

Message withdrawn

callmeovercautious · 27/07/2007 12:13

I don't think the last comment could be meant in the way the poster wrote it. Getting involved with a man like this does not make any one daft. None of us really know our Partners for a long time if ever.

Veeworried, you have not been daft but you do need to act and soon. Get someone to come and be with you and then speak to him. Do not let yourself be alone with him again and if he has keys get the locks changed before you tell him. He must know something is wrong, he knows what he told you was frightening to you and is being manipulative.

Good Luck.

callmeovercautious · 27/07/2007 12:13

x-posts - I was referring to the post by tranquilamanana.

veeworried · 27/07/2007 12:14

Well I've been more than a bit daft, tranquilamama

He was so lovely in the beginning but I realise this must have been all a con.

He didn't tell me casually, we were having an argument. I think he did it to frighten me and shut me up. Well, it worked. He later said he didn't understand my reaction and and thought I would find it funny. WTF?

There are people I can ask for help and thats what I'm going to do although I feel ashamed for getting in to this situation in the first place.

He doesn't, thank god, have keys to my house.

OP posts:

bran · 27/07/2007 12:14

Abusive people often 'test' their partners to see how they will react. He's been doing this by criticising you and your flat and you haven't told him to sod off. Now he's raising the stakes by scaring you, if you see him again and pretend that everything is still normal it will be a sign to him that he can dominate you and his behaviour will continue to escalate.

I think you should tell anyone who will be supportive of you what he has said to you and make sure that you can call on them if you need support. Then you must dump this man in a strong way (ie don't pretend that it's just not working out), tell him that you don't like his attitude and if he bothers you again you will report him to the police as using threatening behaviour. Make sure that you are never alone with him, dump him by phone if possible and make sure that you have someone with you for a while following the dumping in case he some around.

He sounds really awful. I hope everything goes well for you.

thegardener · 27/07/2007 12:15

I agree with the other poster re getting some legal advice.

He seems a very strange, controlling person to say what he had done to a previous girlfriend, wonder what he thought he would actually gain from it???

I would avoid him & any phone calls he makes to you, i wouldn't make any contact with him at all.

newlifenewname · 27/07/2007 12:16

Yeah but there is definitely a type of woman who goes for a type of man....

Each woman is an individual but I believe that women who have suffered abuse share several characteristics. Also such women will likely end up in abusive relationship after abusive relationship often having been abused or bullied as a child.

Transactional Analysis explains a lot of this if you go for that theory.

But yes, certainly this does not mean it is the woman's fault. However, it can be helpful to recognise these patterns so that one does not unwittingly find oneself in the same situation again.

TiredFedUpNanny · 27/07/2007 12:18

You obviously know you need to end it and make sure he has no legal access to your house, like keys. Then if he presents a real threat, inform police. Make sure friends and family are aware and maybe consider either staying with someone or having someone to stay for a while. And I'm sorry, but if he has raped someone, speaking as someone who has been raped, he is always an awful person; he just doesn't always show it... he knows how to wear a facade well.

LyraBelacqua · 27/07/2007 12:18

Get out now. He raped his ex, he could do the same to you. Your gut instinct tells you to get out, so listen to it. Hope you find the strength.

newlifenewname · 27/07/2007 12:19

Er, that was a general comment since the subject of 'daftness' and choice making came up and not aimed at OP directly.

Mumpbump · 27/07/2007 12:20

Hope you ditch him. Anyone who openly criticises their partner's appearance or housework in the first few months of a relationship sounds like they're bad news. What happened to the honeymoon period? And saying you've raped someone is NEVER funny, under NO circumstances, NO way. Sounds worrying if it is true and twisted if it is not...

You definitely need to take some precautions when you do finish it with him.

paulaplumpbottom · 27/07/2007 12:22

This is definatly a man to run away from sweetie. I would break up with him by phone and then maybe go stay with relatives for a few days or have someone come and stay with you so you feel safe. Maybe a restraining order might be a good idea to. There is nothing normal about his behavior and my guess is that he has said this to intimidate you.

Pabamella · 27/07/2007 12:24

Break up with him over the phone, have a friend with you, tell him clearly you DO NOT want to see him again, and in light of what he addmitted to you, tell him that you will go directly to the police and inform them of what he said if he doesn attempt to come near you.

Could you have a friend or relative stay over for the few days following the phonecall?

Pabamella · 27/07/2007 12:24

sorry if he does attempt to come near you,

could you get a restraining order?

FluffyMummy123 · 27/07/2007 12:27

Message withdrawn

BandofMuggles · 27/07/2007 12:28

Ted Bundy seemed like a wonderful person even to those who knew him for YEARS.

You can do it, and like everyone says. Have a big burly friend to stay for a while after you do.

lulumama · 27/07/2007 12:28

see a lawyer

get legal advice now

finish with him categorically

do not see him again, or be on your own with him again

tell all your friends he is dangerous

witchandchips · 27/07/2007 12:29

he sounds horrid and as everyone says you need to end the relationship. I'd text him or email him to say that you can't see him anymore because he is not making you happy. Don't go into details cos then he knows that he has got a reaction. Stay with friends and change your mobile number.

elesbells · 27/07/2007 12:31

how do you feel in your heart about this man vee? i always go with gut feeling and obviously yours isnt right is it? its horrible when your lonely though.

he sounds strange to me. i think its best not to avoid him, he will just keep calling. bite the bullet, call him and say something like 'its not working for me and i think its best we dont see each other again'

Flip

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