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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

why did I marry a wanker?

25 replies

narkedagain · 21/07/2007 22:09

who thinks he's so bloody marvellous and makes me feel like shit? Any wonder I'm thinking of having an affair?

OP posts:

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Spidermama · 21/07/2007 22:10

Don't have an affair. Either ditch the wanker or change him.

ivykaty44 · 21/07/2007 22:12

Dont sink to his level, if you want to have an affair end the marriage first then have a relationship with someone else.

He probably makes you feel like sh*t so that he does feel marvellous. Covers up his own faults and security issues.

expatinscotland · 21/07/2007 22:13

Change him?

Haahaaha.

You've got about as much chance of changing him as you have of magicking up a billion pounds.

Don't have an affair.

Divorce him on the grounds of adultery if he is and take back your dignity and self-respect.

You can't love anyone else if you don't love yourself first.

NKF · 21/07/2007 22:15

You can't change him. You can change how you behave and that might make him change. Hard to say for sure as I don't know what the particular things are that make him a wanker in your eyes.

cylonbabe · 21/07/2007 22:16

because at the time you were hopelessly in love with him?

expatinscotland · 21/07/2007 22:16

Spot on second sentence, NFK!

'No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.'

expatinscotland · 21/07/2007 22:17

If you're 'hopelessly in love' with someone, I hate to tell you this, but that isn't real love.

mummytosteven · 21/07/2007 22:18

I agree expat. hopeless is very unhealthy.

crokky · 21/07/2007 22:20

Don't let him make you feel like shit, though and try not to respond to his wanker behaviour. I understand that you are frustrated, but don't have an affair, it will make everything worse and make you look like the villian.

snowleopard · 21/07/2007 22:20

I don't know, but it's quite common it seems. Have you told him you don't like his begaviour?

lilolilmanchester · 21/07/2007 22:31

Is he a wanker all the time? Or has he just done something to upset you? (my DH makes me MAD sometimes, to the point where I end up feeling like you. But actually most of the time he's not so bad!)

narkedagain · 21/07/2007 22:37

mm, good question. I'm a highly qualified in a very responsible position. Yet he can blow my confidence and self-esteem in one conversation. I love him, and can't imagine not being married to him, but just want someone to make me feel good about myself again.

OP posts:

startouchedtrinity · 21/07/2007 22:39

How do you know he thinks he's marvellous? Doesn't sound like he does to me, sounds like he is dumping on you to make himself feel better.

Don't do the affair, it'll just be one more thing to add to the mess.

What is it that he's done?

startouchedtrinity · 21/07/2007 22:41

The only person you can rely on to make you feel good about yourself is you.

Does he really try to blow your self-esteem? Or is that how it seems to you? Can you really know he wants to hurt you and isn't just being an insensitive prat?

narkedagain · 21/07/2007 22:42

nothing specific, just takes every opportunity to criticise me and put me down. And if I get upset about anything he's done, he just starts on all my shortcomings. Of which there are many, I know, but I need to be able to talk about things that upset me sometimes too.

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 21/07/2007 22:43

Narked - stand your ground and be a man about it

Seriously.....

startouchedtrinity · 21/07/2007 22:43

Sounds very wearing. He is very insecure, isn't he? Is it because of your job do you think?

NKF · 21/07/2007 22:44

Tell him to stop criticisng you. Just tell him straight. The first time will be the hardest. Just say "I don't want to hear a list of my shortcomings" and that old chestnut "If you can't think of anything nice to say etc...."

snowleopard · 21/07/2007 22:45

I would explain to him very clearly that this is really hurting you and you want him to stop and show you some respect.

If that doesn't work, tell him if he belittles you, undermines you or puts you down you will stop the conversation and leave the room - and do it (if you think it would have any impact on him).

Don't have the affair - but do have a flirt, that can really help.

lilolilmanchester · 21/07/2007 22:45

sounds like he's got some confidence problems himself, maybe jealous of your success, and putting you down to make himself feel better. Think I'd be tempted to have an affair in your situation BUT it isn't really going to solve the problem, is it?

snowleopard · 21/07/2007 22:47

Has he got anything to feel insecure about? For example is he a lot less senior/high-earning than you, is he unemployed etc? Obviously that wouldn't justify what he's doing, but it might be something you could address.

startouchedtrinity · 21/07/2007 22:56

IME you can't change someone. waste of time and energy.

Do you really need his love? His approval? His respect?

I'd just say, 'I'm sorry you feel that way,' whenever he starts. It can only be a row if you are in it with him. Even agree with him, if he's hit the button.

Love yourself.

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narkedagain · 21/07/2007 22:56

Thanks guys, gotta go. round 2.

OP posts:

startouchedtrinity · 21/07/2007 22:58

Don't do this to yourself. In rowing with him you are only stressing yourself out and hurting yourself. Walk away.

You can be right or you can be at peace. Just read that in a book, and it sits well with me right now (as someone in a similar situation).

lilolilmanchester · 21/07/2007 22:59

it does sound like he's the one with the problem, rather than you. Come back and talk some more when you can.

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