I'm always the one that's excluded, am I a horrible person?

[ontheoutside]

Am a regular but have namechanged as feel pretty pathetic.

All my adult life I have struggled to make friends, at school I had lots of friends and I am still in touch with some of them in fact although we don?t see each other any more as I?ve moved away. But I?ve never really seemed to make any new friends since. I have a few aquaintences that I know through dd?s preschool, people who I would have considered friends, but it?s always me who?s done the calling/the inviting round for lunch/coffee and invites have never been reciprocated. I?d always put it down to the fact that people obviously have their own lives and that they just maybe don?t have the time, but now I?m not so sure.

A couple of months ago I overheard one of them talking to another and saying that she would see her later. I just figured they were meeting up for a coffee or something and then someone let slip that the whole group were meeting up at a soft play place and it seemed I hadn?t been invited. I never said anything, as they obviously wanted to meet up but I did feel a bit excluded. Then it transpired that this was actually a weekly occurrence, that they all meet up after preschool on a Friday and go out. This carried on for a couple of months and then they seemed to have other things to do and it didn?t happen any more.

Then today we were all in the park, and one of them said that she hoped the weather would be good as they?re going on a picnic on Friday. I just said ?oh are you?? and then said I thought it was going to rain. She ignored me and started talking to one of the others about what they could do if it was raining, and they then decided they would all go to the local soft play instead.

Obviously I understand that people have their own lives, their own friends, and that I?m not always going to be a part of that, but I just feel as if it?s always me that?s excluded. Before I gave up work something similar happened, all my team arranged a night out and didn?t tell me and I didn?t hear about it until the Monday after.

I just don?t know how to be a part of things. Is it possible just to be invisible? I do come across as a confident person but I don?t think I?m that noticeable if that makes sense? Even on here I am a very regular poster and yet I don?t think that people notice me.

I just don?t know any more.

[niceglasses]

I doubt you are a horrible person, honestly.

I think at times we all think we should have more friends etc, but really its quality not quantity - sorry if sounding trite.

I feel like this at times, but now I'm old enough to be brassed necked about it. Really, I would invite myself - they can hardly say no. I would just say something like 'oooo do you mind if we come - we are at a bit of a loose end' - sod 'em - its your sanity at stake. You might make some great friends, you might hate 'em but at least you tried.

Chances are, they don't realise you want to come - most ppple are quite insular. Maybe you give off vibes of being very self sufficient. Remember to give something of yourself away if that makes sense - you sort of have to give and take in chat. Am I making sense? Probably not!!

Hope you can get joining in soon. Sorry if I sound preachy - not meant.

[fransmom]

oh sweetheart i too feel the same as you bab and it's horrible isn't it? tbh with you, i wouldn't want to call people like that my friends. i don't socialise with the people in my dept as i feel on the outside of things. thew way i look at it is that i may have to wrok wtih them but is ure as hell don't have to socialise with bitches.

are you in the swest at all?

[fransmom]

niceglasses you made perfect sense!
oto, i do like her suggestion of invting yourself!!!

[CrookshanksinJimmyChoos]

Had to post on this...I have the same problem with friends (not Mnetters I add) I've made over the years too....find that they don't text first, I have to make the effort, excuses when suggesting meet ups etc and then find they have gone out with other friends - its pretty crap but I don't think its my personality, its prob just fact that a lot of my friends are not parents and I think that the gap between us is becoming more apparent....what to discuss?!

[ontheoutside]

niceglasses yes I am fairly self sufficient but I also always make the effort to get along with others. It's always me that invites them round for lunch, who suggests we go to the park, i suggested we should all get together in the holidays so the kids don't get too bored etc so I've definitely not excluded myself from them.

I do definitely agree that quality is better than quantity and I'm certainly not looking to have a massive group of friends that I could go out on the piss with on a saturday night or anything like that, but one would be nice, someone who occasionally rings me before I ring them, just so I knew I wasn't invisible.

[fransmom]

well, you're not invisble on here sweetheart (((((((((((((((oto))))))))))))))

[ELF1981]

I know exactly how you feel.

I personally would pick the nicest and invite them out to do something just the two of you, none of the others. You'll build up one good friend, and then probably end up in the "clique" iyswim

Or else invite yourself to their weekly meet up (the bunch of cheeky mares not inviting you)!

[CrookshanksinJimmyChoos]

I tell you one thing I've found though and that with friends, its a bit like a chocolate cake in the fridge...yes, you are probably looking puzzled now...I'll explain my highly unscientific theory!!

If you have a choc cake in the fridge and its always available, can have a slice whenever you want, after a while, it becomes not so interesting....

Whereas if you are told the cake is only for now and then, you do actually want it more...

So, what I mean by this is I actually think that being too available for people, makes them not want to see you...its very strange and I think its an English trait (I'm English btw) as DH is Arabic and I have Arabic female friends as a result and if they don't hear from you, they want to know what's going on, they text, they call etc - the men are the same. English people are not like this and DH has noticed it too...I've never experienced anything like this when I'm in the Middle East.....

Maybe its our stiff upper lip and all that??!!

[Doodledootoo]

Message withdrawn

[CrookshanksinJimmyChoos]

Its weird how that works isn't it.....I've tried being unavailable and it works....sad though to have to think like that....

[ballbaby]

My heart goes out to you because i feel like this sometimes - I'm the "nicest", friendliest person i know but don't make friends easily. Have you ever noticed that some of the most popular people can be quite obnoxious though - and don't seem to give a damn whether anyone likes them or not, or whose feelings they offend when they don't ring etc. It's a complicated business! Now I've offended lots of popular people I'll shut up . But hugs to you - and good luck with whatever you try.

[Beauregard]

I could have written this thread.

[CrookshanksinJimmyChoos]

Ballbaby - that goes back to my cake theory -popular people say what they think, don't think about others and are generally hard to meet up with...

I should put this theory in a book and make mahoosive amounts of money...

'How to be a desirable piece of cake to your friends'

[ballbaby]

It's a great theory CJC but how to put it into practice? Trouble is generally you need lots of friends in the first place to have a hectic social life to make people want a piece of the cake!

[DixiePixie]

I really relate to this thread. I find it very hard to make new friends and often feel excluded from groups. Mind you, I've got into this way of thinking so much that I never ring or text anyone anymore (other than old friends) because I tend to expect rejection. I'd love to be able to do the brassed necked thing that niceglasses talks about, but I really don't have the guts!

Mind you, sometimes it can be to do with misunderstandings. Like today I bumped into a couple of people that I'd been in a postnatal support group with months ago. I had heard through the grapevine that the group met up regularly informally, though the official group had finished, and had been feeling depressed that I hadn't been invited along. Turns out I just wasn't there when these new meet ups were set up, so it wasn't anything personal after all...

'Spose I'm my own worst enemy a lot of the time with stuff like this.

[CrookshanksinJimmyChoos]

Dixie - I thought you were lovely and so friendly when I met you - you have no worries there...although must confess, I didn't text you as I thought no, I always make too much effort with people and it puts them off. If only I knew!

[DixiePixie]

Aww! Bless you for that Crookshanks - it was good to meet you too .

[ellasmum1]

I have this problem as an adult too- always terrified of rejection so don't often make first move. We are just sensitive souls!
I get paranoid if someone cancels a meet up .
Everyone else always seems so darn busy!!

[SpeccieSeccie]

You sound far too sane in your post to lack the self awareness that would make you an accidentally horrible person. I feel for you on this (I've always been super-sensitive about friendships, way more so than stuff to do with boyfriends).

I like Elf's suggestion of picking the nicest and inviting her to do something and that way maybe putting yourself in the path of this group. Either through association with her they'll start to see you as 'one of them' (grim, I know) or, if they really are clique-y, she may be longing to have a bit of a bitch about the internal politics and put you off the whole thing anyway.

[Tortington]

am so for you. If you can possibly muster up a "fuck off then" mentality rahter than a " sob, they don't like me" one, then they won't matter.

acquaintences they may become if you socialised occasionally with them (inc. work here) but friends are a damned RARITY thats why friends are so very special.

[youpeskykids]

Please don't worry Ontheoutside. I too feel like this at times. And I remember feeling like it when I was on maternity leave with DS1 (am on mat leave with DS2 at the mo).

IME I think it has more to do with becoming a little more vulnerable and sensitive when you become a new mum - I know for a fact that the things I worry about and get sensitive over now wouldn't usually be given a second thought when I'm back being a WOHM.

A little devious I know, but have you tried this? Obviously you now know, in advance, of a time/date with the group that has already been set up. Get chatting to one of the mums and ask her directly whether she is free on - said date - and ask her whether she'd like to join you at - said place. She is BOUND to say "Oh, but we're already going" or "Actually, I'm already going with......". This is your opportunity to then tell them that you can meet them there.....

If she doesn't then you know they are being bitchy and leaving you out - therefore, don't bother with them and make some NICE friends!

Or why not try organising something yourself, and inviting the group along? Perhaps they just haven't got to know you that well?

FWIW, I think you sound a very nice person!

[frapachino]

There are 2 reasons that I immediately thought of when I read your post -

Are you perhaps a little aloof and so give off the impression that u don't want to join in anyway?

or

Do you come across as over-powering?

If neither then I wouldn't worry and just turn up next time they are going to soft play say hello and see if you can join the group - you may be being a little paranoid.

As for the work night out were your colleagues younger/single - at my work us old marrieds never get asked to the clubs with the young uns!

[Bananaknickers]

OMG I could have written this too. I cryed for over an hour yesterday when my friend was off with me yesterday. I really would love to meet someone lovely to spend time with, but can't.
I am at home now with children all fulltime school.I can't find a term time job, I have less money than ever before,and am so lonely.
The friends I used to have a lot to do with now both work.One of these friends has turned funny on me, she works in a school,I get the impression she looks down her nose at me. I feel like I have been used for somewhere to take the children to, and spend days with entertaining the kids. Now they are at work they don't need me.
I feel so lonely and don't know how to make new friends.

[Bananaknickers]

ontheoutside sorry I seemed to babble then. Just trying to get you to see, and realising myself that we must all feel like this at various stage in our lifes. It's so hard to find others with common interests isn't it. You sound lovely to me by the way

[Bananaknickers]

see noone likes me eithet L.O.L I killed your thread