Am I over-reacting

[Donna10]

My partner was asked to attend a work meeting where he was accused of writing malicious letters about 2 of his colleagues( 1 his former boss)where they were suspended pending enquires and his former boss left because she couldnt cope with the stress of it all. He denies it, but I know he is guilty as I have seen these letters on our computer, although I wasn't clear then what he was doing(he has deleted them now) I have confronted him with it but he continues to deny it. I am really concerned that he could do this to someone else and he's not daft -he knows procedures for complaints! Ive told him unless he stops lying and tells me the truth our marriage is in serious trouble as I cant trust him. I have 3 girls and dont want to go down this route but I am deeply shocked by his behaviour and continual denial. Am I over-reacting to this?

[moondog]

Er...no.
Not at all.

[totaleclipse]

Was there a reason for these letters, or were they just plain bullying?

[totaleclipse]

not that there could be a good enough reason, before anyone jumps on me.

[Pennies]

No I wouldn't say you were over-reacting. Can you say what the content of the letters was? How did they get to the recipients? Were they anonymous - if so how did they work out it was him?

[daisyandbabybootoo]

not at all. You need to know why he did this in the first place and then why he is lying about it. Is this normal behaviour for him or out of character? What were the circumstances that caused him to write them.

Although he has deleted them, there should still be a back-up copy of them somewhere on the hard disk, but you would need someone more technologically advanced than me to tell you where to look. If you could present him with the evidence he would have no option but to confess.

[fortyplus]

Have you told him straight that you saw them?

[hurtwife]

If you are certain that he has lied then why do you need him to confess at all?

I do understand where you are coming from though because if he can lie about that then what else does he lie about?

Are you really prepared to give up on your marriage if he still does not confess? He may just think you are bluffing and if you do not carry out the threat then he will be able to convice you in the future.

Good luck with it all and go with your gut instinct and still to your threats if thats the route you take.

[Donna10]

The letters were sent anonymously but his work took a copy of each staff members letters and analysed them. He has a very distinctive style of grammar which would give him away. He is claiming to his work that someone has deliberately copied his style as they all have acess to the computers at work in order to frame him. I can't believe he sounds so stupid. The letters are complaining about the service he works for and the people involved but he sent them to Mental Health Commission and Care Commission , which is serious stuff. What gets to me is how he kept going on about how awful it was for these people-Im beginning to wonder if he is disturbed. Ive been married 14 years and this is the first time (as far as I know) he has behaved like this

[fortyplus]

So... Have you told him straight that you saw them?

[madamez]

WIhtout having more detailed information on the case (which I understand you probably can't give) I wonder if your DH is having some sort of stress-related breakdown? Because behaviour like that can be a cry for helpf from a person under major pressure.
Dons't make it all right but does make it understandable.

[Donna10]

Yes-I told him straight I saw them and he says he was making notes!!! I have faced him with the fact that I know 100% because what he says doesnt make sense. I dont think it is stress related as the first letter was 2 years ago and the second one this April and he has been behaving normally all this time. If his work had not investigated the letter writer he would have got away with it. Im not asking him to confess to his work -he probably has to stick to his guns and say he didnt do it if he is to keep his job-I just want him to be straight with me because I don't understand his behaviour and feel as if I dont know him anymore.

[fortyplus]

What an uncomfortable situation. I think if he's adamant then you need to be upfront and say that you don't feel that you can trust him but you want to understand what's going on in his head. You will never rest easy otherwise.

[Donna10]

After my initial angry outburst I did try the 'want to understand you' approach and I have even said I appreciate he may feel cornered and unable to admit it now , but I worry what else he is capable of , under the cloak of normality. He is the main carer for our 3 girls( he works weekends) and I worry about them now being at home with him. I know I am probably over-reacting by thinking he would do anything to them but Im serious in that I now no longer know what he is capable of- does that make sense?

[FunMumm]

I may be being a bit dim here... but were they handwritten? if so how were they on the computer?

[Donna10]

No they were computer written - but its the grammar and his style of writing letters that they have argued belong to him

[fortyplus]

I think bitterness about relationships at work is very different to some other underlying major psychological problem that could lead to him harming his children. So... whilst I can understand that you will now have a deep mistrust of him, I do think you need to keep it in proportion. Are there any of his close friends or family that you could talk to about this?

[madamez]

Hang on a minute - are these "malicious" letters in the sense that they are saying 'X is a twunt' or are they complaining about work procedures or some kind of whistle-blowing?

[Donna10]

I think they were complaining about peoples personal work practices and complaining people were not doing their jobs properly- but that was his opinions. After the initial enquiries about the allegations were over, there was found to be no justification about these peoples practices. I didnt see all the letters but what I did see was quite personal , but in a work related way

[Donna10]

Ive finally got to the bottom of this-my husband has admitted to sending the letters as a whistle blowing strategy at his work to uncover abuses and malpractice. He says he had spoken to his manager who never did anything so felt he had no choice. He was shoched that I knew and felt cornered. Although I dont necessarily agree with the way he has done things at least it is not sinister. Thankyou for responding to my requests for help in thinking it all through-I really appreciated it