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Relationships

Are we at the end?

7 replies

pol26 · 18/07/2007 12:24

For an age now OH and I have had probs. I fell preg 4mths after getting together, even though was on the pill and so we had DD and have since had DS. We will have been together for 4 years in Sept and just feeling pretty sad about it all.

We have always had problems. He just is a typical bloke and expects EVERYTHING done for him, which was ok pre-kids but now I have so much to do and sometimes he has to wait which he doesn't like doing. Don't get me wrong he isn't a terrible Dad but he could be alot better. He has never put DS to bed and DD about 10 times if that and sometimes i'd just like a break.

Because we lived in two diff place I sold my house when DD was 10mths old and moved awaya from my sister (only family I have) to be near his job and his family for the benfit of him, us, the kids and his family. I feel as if i've given up everything and sacrificed everything for everyone else and when it comes to a little give and take - everyone is there to take but theres not much giving going on... MIL and FIL had always said they would have kids (and have all other grandkids) and now I asked if they would she said no it would interfere with OTHERS too much!!! GRR! OH did nothing to stand up for our kids or me and it got me thinking.

We never talk, it seems we have nothing in common. He lies quiet alot about stupid things but there has been big things in the past. His mum, dad, brothers, sister and their kids have always came much higher on his priorities than me or the kids. And we have rowed about it before. Fincially I have very little, which was my reason for going back to study and then work so I could support our kids and me and not have to go without.

We, well he brought this house and we moved in, in Feb but he didn't have my name on the mortgage and he is always saying to ppl how it's 'his' house, not ours. When I sold my house part of the profit paid off his loan and paid housekeeping for 6mths as he gave me nothing and paid no bills except he paid the rent... I feel so cheated.

I'm tired of him coming in from work and not even speaking to me. And if he does - which is rare it's whats for tea... or moaning about what had happened at work etc... He shouts at DD and is pretty unfair - I understand she is at THAT testing time atm but even so.

We've been at the stage before when i've packed some stuff to go but he has always promised to change etc... and he does for about two weeks - then it's all back to the usual crap and stuff... nothing really changes. And the fact is he won't change. So the question is do I put up with it all or do I leave?

My sister has said she'll put us up... even though she has 3 children under five and herself in a small three bed house... then with me and my two it would be so crammed... but it's looking more and more and more inviting - just to get away from all the misery here. I just have no one to talk to. He doesn't listen/ignores me or just says i'm being stupid/shouts at me. I just feel stuck here, know no one and am ust at my wits end.

OP posts:
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suezee · 18/07/2007 12:30

you need to do the right thing for urself,if you stay then you will become even more miserable and will end up hating the life your leading.leaving will be a hard thing to do but you have to look at the bigger picture and know that although you will be sad for a while your children will probably have a brighter upbringing with a happy mother

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ellis65 · 18/07/2007 12:37

Sorry your having a bad time at the moment, however, i feel i must say that i think for the sake of your kids, you must leave this awful man. I know it will be hard at the beginning but, you and your kids will be a lot happier, there is nothing worse than walking on eggs shells. Your sister has offered to put you up, i;m sure this is the nudge you need.

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LoveMyGirls · 18/07/2007 12:42

Go to your sisters, it doesnt have to be forever go and stay for a while at least in the evenings you and your sister can have some wine and chat watching girlie tv and relax! Now is the prefect time because the kids are off school and you can help each other rather than both being on your own and struggling, when you have had a good break you can think more clearly about what you want long term. Dont stay just because you got pregnant your children will not appreciate having a miserable childhood because you stayed for the sake of them. (speaking as a child whose mum stayed in an unhappy marriage until i was 7 for the sake of her children, believe me we didnt benefit and i was happy when they split up, my ad isnt a bad man i still see him but they brought out the worst in each other and thats not good for children to see)

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purplepoppet · 18/07/2007 12:51

I'm so sorry you're going through such a bad time. I know exactly how you feel.

I also think you should go to your sister's and start thinking of beginning a new life for yourself. Yourself and your lovely children deserve better than this. I realise it is extremely hard, but take it one step at a time and you will get there.

All I can say is, from my own experience, he will never change, so you need to be strong and move on. You can do it!

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cestlavie · 18/07/2007 14:59

You know, I might just disagree with the other people on here. Apologies in advance for being kind of clinical about this - this must be bloody horrendous for you, but taking a step back and trying to think things through, especially when things are tough, might be best in the long run for you and your kids.

Clearly, the over-whelmingly tempting thing here is to leave him and go and live with your sister as eveyone else says. In theory, it solves at least some of your problems (i.e. having him around) pretty quickly. On the other hand obviously brings a whole set of new problems in the short term (e.g. living arrangements) and longer term (e.g. making sure you get a fair share of proceeds from house sale, child care payments, access etc).

Why not try and sit down one evening and try and figure out say a three month plan, going through everything in turn starting with your relationship. I guess, if you think it's absolutely beyond saving or you've just no interest in doing so (not unreasonably) you can move on pretty fast. Alternatively, you might want to think of ways to see if you can make it work (e.g. Relate).

In either case, you should go through everything you need to do to make a great new life for yourself with the kids. Hardly an exhaustive list but:

  • short term/ long term housing arrangements
  • local/ national government benefits to claim
  • maintenance payments for kids
  • share of proceeds of house sale/ ability to require house sale
  • where to live
  • job arrangements
  • childcare arrangements

    Try and use the three months to speak to people who know about all this stuff, like Citizens Advice, local council, solicitors, friends in similar situations, any valid source you can. That way when you do go, you know exactly what you're going into, and you (and your sister and family etc) are all prepared for it and you can have the best life possible if/when you leave him.

    Again, apologies for being so clinical but just trying to give helpful advice.
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skibump · 18/07/2007 15:05

Rather agree with cestlavie, but would add that if you do try to give it another go then make getting your name on the deeds a condition of this, that would at least give you some level of security

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IsabelWatchingItRainInMacondo · 18/07/2007 15:12

I was going to say "go, but go when you are ready!"

Obviously Cestlavie has put the same mesage in much better words.

Take your time, if you leave now it may complicate the future. Calculate every step and leave with the best possible outcome of all this.

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