Can 'space' be destructive?

[dazedandconfused]

I'd been feeling neglected in our relationship for a while. DH has always had a lower sex drive and I also think he's lazy about me getting pleasure (but that's for another post!). For the first time in our 7 year marriage I've had strong feelings for someone else. I confessed to DH feeling terrible and wanting to sort things out, and he then went off and had a fling with someone he was working with (I know her too).

I know he's a good man and a great dad to our 2 DCs, but I feel a revulsion about being able to make a physical relationship with DH again. I know some of this is anger at what he's done (and what I didn't do).

I feel I need some space and time to work out what I actually feel. However he's worried that more space will make things worse, especially since I'll have our two young children for most of the time.

Our plan is that he'll live somewhere nearby until we work things out. Does this sound sensible or is it a mistake to spend time apart? Its really scary but I feel it might be the only way for me to work how we feel and him to realise how serious this is for me. I'm willing to try counselling.

[ProfessorGrammaticus]

Space can be either - helpful or destructive. Maybe you could get space without taking any drastic steps like paying rent? It might help if DH took the children to allow you to have it, you might feel weel-disposed to him if he did IYSWIM?

I wonder whether you should have the counselling before the "space"?

[Anniegetyourgun]

Okay, now I've heard EVERY excuse in the book... using the fact that his sex drive is LOWER than yours to have an affair! I should think he bloody well is worried.

Counselling first. They'll help you decide whether separation is going to work for you.

[hurtwife]

Try the counselling first. If the fact that because you told him about your feeling for someone else meant he went off with someone else it doesn't sound as if he is really that committed. Maybe the space would give him more of a chance to see what it is like and he may actually like it.

It is so sad when things dont work out but at least if you go and get some help you will both be able to say that you gave it a really good go and will hopefully have less resentment.

Good luck