Its just getting so unbearable

[quadrophenia]

well thats it really, my dp of 8 years is making me so unhappy i don't think i can take much more. Really worried that I'm close to breaking point, his behaviour and attitude towards me is so negative and despite reassurances from friends it is really dragging me down. I have four wonderful kids, a tidy and clean home, i work part time, yet its never enough. I spend my whole life trying to justify myself to a man who believes he has it harder than anyone else as he works twelve hour nights. He won't talk to me about our relationship, declares he pretty muuch hates me and that he feels stuck with me, tells me I'm not a proper woman even though I know i am, because apparently I do nothing for him. I feel so tired, so dragged down, and quite honestly depressed.
Stupid thing is as a family unit we are great, always off doing things, picnics, walks, camping, festivals, football etc, i can't bear the thought of losing all that really i can't, it can be so wonderful, but am really beginning to think its at my sanity's expense

Just needed to vent really, not sure what anyone can say.

[Kbear]

Sounds like it is his problem not yours. My DH works 12 hour nights and I know how that changes him into a moody monster from time to time.

You probably don't need telling but you have to get him on his own on a walk or when the kids are out and have a proper calm conversation about things. Not mud slinging but a "how can we make each other happier" kind of conversation.

[quadrophenia]

kbear the nights definantely don't help, they do make him pretty vile, but i could deal with moodiness, just want him to stop going on at me. I do need to try and talk to him you are right, but sadly i think i know already how he feels.

[Kbear]

Every man that works nights will tell you that he has it harder than anyone else. Nights is a killer, you sleep when everyone is up, you eat at night which is not good for your body, the sleep you get isn't proper deep sleep. All this adds up to a fundamental change in personality. He is miserable so takes it out on you because you're the nearest person to him that he can get away with it with IYSWIM. I speak from experience. I call it the egg-shell shift because it's like walking on egg-shells when DH is on nights.

Is changing his job out of the question?

Talking will save you, both talking to each other and you talking to your friends in RL and on here.

[quadrophenia]

you are definantely right regarding walking on egg shells, but I literally cannot do anything right, nothing. We have talked about him changing jobs but he has a very good job and is well paid for it, despite this we struggle so taking a job for less money is not possible.
What worries me is that bit by bit, he is getting harder to live with, and slowly i am losing myself due to walking on egg shells sacrifices. I get moaned at for talking on the phone, going on the pc or having any kind of a life really. He tries to drop me in it with friends, work, and has no qualms about belittling me or putting me down when i am on the phone to my mum.
I'm really painting a shit picture aren't I?

[HappyDaddy]

Nights is an excuse. His behaviour is exactly like that of my ex. Hence, the reason she is my ex.

My uncle has worked nights for 20 years and is fine, mood wise.

[Wisteria]

Could he be suffering from depression Quad? Sometimes when depressed we pick faults in others, she says speaking from experience...

[Kbear]

Are you strong enough to issue an ultimatum? Something along the lines of "If I make you so unhappy and if I am so crap at everything why do you stay?" Said calmly it could trigger him doing some serious thinking, maybe?

I often talk to DH when he is in a good mood and say "you know the other day when you were a ratty git? you really upset me ..." and he'll say " really?, I'm sorry, I was so tired I didn't know where I was". The air is cleared.

He is getting away with treating you like shit and one day it will be crunch time and you might do something drastic like leave him or kick him out. Better to let him in know now, in no uncertain terms, that you will NOT put up with his moods and his treatment of you. You do a fantastic job (TELL HIM), you look after the home and the children and you DO NOT wish to be treated like this. If he can't change something to change this situation you will need to seriously discuss your future together.

[quadrophenia]

he has just phoned me and accused me of having an affair I really feel like i am living in the twilight zone, this isn't my life. BTW i am not having an affair, it seems he has taken a dislike to an old school friend on myspace who happened to say he walked passed my house the other day as he lives round the corner.

[meandmy]

my dp was being an arse last week even told me it was over between us, when i said ok and stopped at my moms i was told i love you didnt mean it sorry, and since he has been pulling his wait around the home!
perhaps you need to let him know what will happen if he doesnt start to appreciate you make you feel special and like the women he was happy to make your dc's with he may start to behave if he realises what he will lose

[Kbear]

Nights can also be a reason as well as an excuse Happy Daddy, it affects some people worse than others.

For example, my DH does night shifts - when he's home in day he might just fall asleep when the door bell rings, it's a delivery or a meter reading, then his mum will ring on the phone, then he's hungry so he gets up, then he can't sleep, then he wants to see the kids so he'll pick them up from school before dropping them to the mum's then it's time for a shower and back to work.

Sometimes no or little sleep is a big factor in personality.

Quad - were you happy together once or has he always been a bit critical and moody?

[OrmIrian]

We have a neighbour who works permanent nights. We rarely see him for obvious reasons but he is the most miserable man I have ever seen. Face like a smacked ars the entire time. His family life is sht judging by what his 13 yr old daughter tells us when she takes refuge in our house 3 or 4 times a week because there's no-one at home but bugger-lugs sleeping . I think that some people simply don't suit nightshifts - I am a morning person and would not cope at all. But the question is, if that is the case, why does he do it? If it is the shifts that are causing the problem can he not change that, quad? Or does he not accept there is a problem. Would the threat of your leaving make him rethink his priorities?

[quadrophenia]

Kbear, he has always been a bit of a moody git, but the good times far out wieghed the bad, he is getting more and more critical, I thnk he is possibly depressed, he is never happy. I just feel like things are sinking to new lows, have already given him said ultimatum this morning Kbear, funnily enough, the response was the phone call about 5 mins ago. Do you know what i actually feel quite desperate at the minute.

[Wisteria]

I'm not surprised you feel desperate and my heart goes out to you. Can you try and convince him to see his GP; it does sound like depression to me and he may benefit from a bit of time at home and possibly some counselling. It is hard to convince some men that this is a good way to go though, I know.
Do you still love him?

[quadrophenia]

Wisteria he just won't see anything wrong in his behaviour, it is my fault he treats me like this as I do nothing. I work so hard i have four kids seven and under, my house is always tidy, the demands of the children are enough on thier own. But he won't see any of that, he calls me lazy, none of my friends can understand it, i really am far from lazy. I'm not sure if i love himat the moment, i love the man i know he can be but this is getting out of control.

[OrmIrian]

Don't you think it's time to tell him that you've had enough? An ultimatum? He's grinding you down. Make him see how unfair he is being.

[oliveoil]

how long has this behaviour been going on? tbh I couldn't put up with it

is there really no chance of changing jobs at all, the nights may be a big cause of his behaviour

[ggglimpopo]

Can you take yuourself off to counselling Quad to sort out your feelings? Maybe he will come along if he knows you are doing it yourself?

[TootyFrooty]

I really do think he sounds like he is depressed. And he is dragging you down with him.

Do you think he might be depressed?

[charliecat]

Ive been on my own for 6 weeks because of the exact same thing Quad. Its nice not having to deal with him, and his vicious words, and the constant nag nag nag nothing you do is ever right, but its also sad that it came to this.
Hes now in a right state but I have had enough.
Couldnt go back to that and he knows it. Says he doesnt know what he was thinking and he thought we would be together forever..and I think that was a big part of the problem, he didnt feel he had to speak to me like a decent human being because he thought I would always be there...
Not anymore.
Try and sort it but be realistic. You get one life. Do you want to spend it like that.

[Kbear]

Does he have any mates? Have they said anything about his behaviour? Is it just you he is down on? Does he have a good relationship with the children?

Sometimes the "short sharp shock" treatment is the answer.

My DH suffered with depression after a hit and run accident. He was okay during recovery but about a year later it was a living nightmare and one day I just didn't get out of bed. I couldn't take another day of his blackness. I'd tried everything but I'd had enough. We talked, we shouted, we cried all day and it was enough to snap him out of it and realise just how awful he was being.

It resulted in us deciding to have children so don't give up yet, it you want to fight for your marriage, fight just a bit harder before you give up. Lay it on the line, say this is how it is, change or I'm off. Tell him you're not seeing anyone else, you love him but you've lost the man you met 8 years ago and if he's not coming back then you and he are OVER.

Remember, stay calm don't screech at him, just calmly be in control and tell him what you want and you are NOT prepared to put his shit any more.

Come on Quad you can do it.

[anorak]

Quad you can't put up with this. If you go on too long you will turn into the kind of person he tells you you are - you will start to think, what's the point?

I think this can be mended but you will have to pull him up sharp or he will just go on taking the piss.

I would tell him that he should get himself to the doctor's and find out if he is depressed, and that if he is you will support him provided he faces the fact and takes the health advice given.

I would also state that he is making you insufferably unhappy and that you are not prepared to live that way any longer. Your needs are as important as his. You can have the same good family time as a separated couple - he needs to start to respect you and cherish you or he will destroy your love for him for sure.

[anorak]

Blimey KBear, crossed posts! The words 'short sharp shock' were going through my mind as I typed!

[Gizmo]

From a distance, it honestly sounds like the sleep deprivation is leading to depression, Quad. How long has he been doing these shifts?

Horrible thing about depression is how contagious it is - a prolonged bout like this can drag the most determined and bouncy spouse down. He'll drive you away, then turn that loathing upon himself. However, if he doesn't choose to help himself then I'm afraid the only option left for you is to decide what is going to save your sanity...a break from him, counselling for you/both of you, sending him away?

It must be terribly hard but it's good to hear that you don't believe him when he rants on at you. If you were starting to believe him, that would be a major alarm bell...

[Gizmo]

Actually I like Anorak and Kbear's advice - very sound

And if he agrees to do something about his situation, don't just accept a promise to change. Work out a detailed plan of action and insist that he follow it through. It's all too easy for people to say: 'You're right, I'm sorry, I'll change' and not take any action to help that change, which never really sticks.

[TigerFeet]

Sounds awful Quad, sympathy to you

Does he give reasons for calling you lazy or is he using it as an insult?

My dh worked nights when we were first married until dd was about 7 or 8 months old. It was horrendous. He got no sleep through the day, especially when it was school holidays and the local kids were playing out all day. I'm afraid to say I pretty much pushed him into changing job, he took a pay cut, but life got more bearable once he was on days.