Very Long Rant - Need Help!!

[dorito]

I think DH and me are just about at the end of our tether and am unsure what to do. We have been married 15yrs and have 2 DS, aged 3 and 7. We have not been getting along particularly brilliant for about a couple of years, but things now seem to be coming to a head, the latest being on Sunday night. We were out with friends late Sunday afternoon having a drink at a charity function in a pub. I left about 7.30 as I had to pick up my mum and DH said he would be home shortly with the children. He arrived home at 10.30, pretty drunk, with both DS?s in tow, and also the youngest one had wet himself (has been dry for ages). Obviously I was not best pleased. I put both DS?s to bed and then went down to face the music. DH gave me a little apology, but then when I said that it was more the state he was in than the time he arrived home I was mad at, he flew into a rage. He said I was a selfish cow who couldn?t ever enjoy myself, and how it had been a one off and everyone else?s friends and children had also stayed out late. He has always had a liking for alcohol, and this has been on of our main issues in the past. He then stormed out of the house and came back a couple of hours later, we both went to bed without speaking. He has not spoken to me since, apart from when he has to and TBH I really can?t be bothered to make the effort back. (it is usually always me that makes the first move).
I now feel like we have hit rock bottom. I can?t be done with this childish sulking and feel like sitting down with him tonight and asking if he thinks we should split. This is not what I want and the thought petrifies me but I cannot go on like this. We seem to have nothing in common whatsoever, and have completely different ideas about bringing up the children. He had them quite late in life, he is now 46, and I think this is one of the main problems as he feels like he is being held back all the time as most of his friend?s children are grown up. I know it seems like drastic action to talk about splitting, but I don?t really know what else to do. As I said things have been quite bad for a while. The longer he sulks the more I hate him, which is doing either of us any good. I feel as though I am not at all valued or appreciated by him, on the odd occasion we do go out together it is always me who has to get up with the children etc which really annoys me. He does work hard in his job but does nothing in the home and I resent him for this also. Am I making more out of this and just being a grumpy cow or is it him? Please help!!!

[newlifenewname]

Hope this isn't patronising but I have broken up your post a bit so easier to read (?)

I think he sounds rather irresponsible but maybe you need to create a good environment where you can both talk - seems a bit as though some of these things are there as a cover up for dealing with the real issues.

I think DH and me are just about at the end of our tether and am unsure what to do.

We have been married 15yrs and have 2 DS, aged 3 and 7. We have not been getting along particularly brilliant for about a couple of years, but things now seem to be coming to a head, the latest being on Sunday night.

We were out with friends late Sunday afternoon having a drink at a charity function in a pub. I left about 7.30 as I had to pick up my mum and DH said he would be home shortly with the children. He arrived home at 10.30, pretty drunk, with both DS?s in tow, and also the youngest one had wet himself (has been dry for ages). Obviously I was not best pleased. I put both DS?s to bed and then went down to face the music. DH gave me a little apology, but then when I said that it was more the state he was in than the time he arrived home I was mad at, he flew into a rage. He said I was a selfish cow who couldn?t ever enjoy myself, and how it had been a one off and everyone else?s friends and children had also stayed out late.

He has always had a liking for alcohol, and this has been on of our main issues in the past. He then stormed out of the house and came back a couple of hours later, we both went to bed without speaking. He has not spoken to me since, apart from when he has to and TBH I really can?t be bothered to make the effort back. (it is usually always me that makes the first move).

I now feel like we have hit rock bottom. I can?t be done with this childish sulking and feel like sitting down with him tonight and asking if he thinks we should split. This is not what I want and the thought petrifies me but I cannot go on like this.

We seem to have nothing in common whatsoever, and have completely different ideas about bringing up the children. He had them quite late in life, he is now 46, and I think this is one of the main problems as he feels like he is being held back all the time as most of his friend?s children are grown up.

I know it seems like drastic action to talk about splitting, but I don?t really know what else to do. As I said things have been quite bad for a while. The longer he sulks the more I hate him, which is doing either of us any good. I feel as though I am not at all valued or appreciated by him, on the odd occasion we do go out together it is always me who has to get up with the children etc which really annoys me. He does work hard in his job but does nothing in the home and I resent him for this also.

Am I making more out of this and just being a grumpy cow or is it him? Please help!!!

[macdoodle]

How old are your children and how drunk was he, and how did they get home - if it was me would have phoned and gone to get kids - would not have been happy with drunk dad in charge

[dorito]

Children are 3 and 7 and they walked home. He wasn't staggering but was pretty drunk, he had been out since about 3.00 so had been drinking for 7 hours.
Children seemed pretty happy, just felt that it was so irresponsible and also as if he was trying to make a point. (we do normally all come home together by about 7.30 at the very latest due to my nagging to go home) It was the first time I have left him in charge and will be the last time!

[madamez]

I think there's more going on here than one late-ish night for the DSs. You've somehow got yourself cast in the role of nagging mother to him, which means he's going to try to escape you and outwit you rather than helping you, but unsurprisingly, you feel resentful.
What you need most of all is time to do stuff that pleases and benefits you and you only, then it becomes much easier to cope with the daily grind. Point out to him that working in a paid job, however tiring or boring it is, involves time off but a SAHM (which I get the impression you are) needs time off too and that he is going to be in charge of the hosue and kids at least one afternoon/evening per week, Then get out of the house and go do something you enjoy.
SOme free time for you will help you feel better about everything and more able to adapt.

[Meeely2]

agree with madam - you need some ME time, sounds to me either you all go out, he goes out or you stay in? would i be right? My dh and I, while not having the perfect relationship, do have a pretty well balanced, kids/social/free time.

Mondays, wednesdays and fridays are my nights out, or my time to go swimming/exercise. Tuesdays and thursdays are his as he goes rugby training (and yes a trip to the pub is compulsory!). the weekends therefore is our time as a family, saturday morning he gets up with them and sunday I do.

This means we NEVER argue about who does more of this or more of that and i have never resented time he spends with his mates or time he spends away from me. It did take us a while to get here though and it did mostly come from me - he was perfectly happy doing nothing with the kids and leaving it all up to me, til I walked out one day and said enough was enough. he needed the wake up call and he needed to know what was involved in looking after the kids.

I say talk before you walk, but if talking isn;t his strong point, walk and then he will talk!