How to stop feeling so angry and resentful.

[MoreHarryThanHermione]

Full on rant here - feel free to grab a cup of tea.

So - our house is being reposessed on 14th August. GH has had 3 unsuccessful fuck ups of business ideas. We also lost 2 other propert6ies and 3 cars, in fact I sold my clapped out runaround on Ebay yesterday as we are desperate for money. I also did a bootfair and earned £85 yesterday.

DH now has good employed job that we get paid for 1st month at end of the month.

It is our 9 year anniversary next week and my anger is just swirling like a red bile in my chest.

I have been sniping at him for about 6 months now (we also have a 12yr, 8yr and 9month old). Every idea I make he ignores and wanders off like a toddler on a motorway.

He thinks its ok for the kids to go to bed at 10, for ds to not brush his teeth at night if he is too tired.

The final straw has just happened - in our rented house the drains have blocked (for 4th time in almost 2 months). As we have not paid rent this month ("Dont worry i will sort it") there is water all over the laundry room floor and manky water in the sink. We cant call landlady as owe her money, and Im buggered if I am going to spend our food money on getting a plumber.

He is now in a job where he is out of the house for 13 hours a day, then has dinner and goes to bed. His job recently involved a 2 day team building break at a 5 star hotel. everything he does is very "city like" from lunches to entertaining to....rahhh!!!!

I am left with the debt, the baby, the shit of living in a crap hole, I hate him so much.

he wants us to have a nice meal next week. i would rather stab him with a spoon.

Im so so resentful. i feel like he has just swanned off and got away scot free and I am literally left holding the baby living in a shitty house. i may as well be single.

This anger and resentment is building daily and i feel like I am going to burst.

Oh whats the fucking point.

Nobody gives a shit anyway. |Just needed a rant. sorry.

[LeafTurner]

Oh dear that does sound shitty !! Sorry !!

Can you go away to your mum's or a friends for a bit ?

[FirenzeandZooey]

Oh god

God how awful, I am so sorry this has happened and can completely understand why you feel this way

[peanutbear]

I have no advice sorry but I'm preparedto listen

TBH he sounds like my dad

[LeafTurner]

On the positive side though - he has got a proper well paid job now - so maybe the only way is up ?

Things can only get better etc ?

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

Ummmm. Dont know what to say sweetie.

He's got a seemingly decent job now, so thats a plus. It doesnt help the situation you are in though.

Can you go out to work at all? Childcare only required for 9 month old so could be do-able? Might make you feel less resentful if you are out of the house too?

[Jazzicatz]

Oh sweetheart - I was in a similar situation with my dp a few years ago, and the resentment nearly broke us up, however, we managed to hold it togehter somehow and now things are much better. I found that once the money worries were not so horrendous I could relax slightly and it gave us time to reassess our situation. Do you and your dh talk about how you are both feeling?

[MoreHarryThanHermione]

Nope - nobody. My parents are selfish disaster zones.

I have been responsible all my life, my mum is an alcoholic and i was an only child.

I feel so weary. The stress of everything is just too much sometimes. Its been going on for 3 years and there is only so much your friends can take.

He says he is sorry for his mistakes and wants to make it right, but i just cant face him any more. Its too late. I hate him.

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

How about writing this all down in a letter which you may, or may not, give to him?

Do you feel like this is all beyond your control? Do you want more control over the situation?

[Jazzicatz]

Where do you live?

My mother is also an alcoholic, never easy either, but that is another thread!!!

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

Or do you feel like its your turn to be looked after and its just not happening?

[MoreHarryThanHermione]

I do bootfairs every weekend and eb.ay during the week (need to get started today ). all the money this month has come from me. Whilst raising doing everything else. This means I dont have to pay for childcare. the money i earn is similar to a crappy part time job, so at least i can have a half clean house and be with the baby.

[MoreHarryThanHermione]

i just want someone to take control for a bit and be reliable, trustworthy. get the job done.

he cant do any of that. Not where we are concerned.

[MoreHarryThanHermione]

Im almost 40 -i cant remember the last time I was looked after.

Probably when my grandparents were alive

[Jazzicatz]

If you dh is anything like my dp - they will never be the reliable type. You just have to learn to live with it, or go it alone!

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

No, I know what you mean. DP is not fantastic with money.

Whenever we have got into a 'hole' its been down to him either burying his head in the sand, or him losing a job (not always his fault, admittedly). It's always been me that has 'sorted' it out.

In fact once, we had a 'discussion', and his reason for being extremely stressed and uptight about money that time around was because usually, I do all the positive "its not a problem, we can do x, y and z to fix it", and I hadnt that time, which frightened him.

All our major moves, purchases etc have been enabled by my being promoted, getting a bonus, tribunal settlement, selling shares (company incentive - im no major player ).

Things are changing now though. He's about to move jobs into a much better prospect (whilst my job prospects have gone backwards somewhat). He's just sorted our latest financial 'episode'. Its taken a long long time, and alot of me boosting his confidence and ego about what he is worth and what he can do. I dont feel any resentment, because he does contribute to our family in so many other ways that it more than makes up for it.

I dont know if this post is of any use to you, other than to say, that things can and do get better, especially when we accept who we are, and who are partners are.

I think you need to talk to him.

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

I am also pretty sure that you have some unresolved issues regarding your mum too. Its perhaps clouding the situation with your DH.

[LoveMyGirls]

I might be way off here but if you were always the one to be looking after people around you maybe he has got lazy and used to it and you allow him to be like that? What if you use the meal as an opportunity to tell him how fed up you are, write it in a letter and give it to him there? Tell him in it what you expect him to do about everything so you are presenting solutions as well as problems?

I know right now you are angry with him and rightly so he has really fucked things up and i would be livid tbh but you have to move on from here and hopefully by working together as a team and understanding each other you can be happy.

Do you still love him? Does he do anything right? What do you want him to do to make things right?

[FioFioJane]

I can completely relate to this. My husband is AWFUL with money and I end up feeling like his mother, which in iteself is quite soul destroying for most probably both of us. ours has never gone as far as repossessions (I would have most probably have stabbed him with blunt rusty spoon too) but I completely see why and how you feel the way you do.

The only thing that keeps us together is that my dh is a good man (apart from the moeny issue) and I do love him, I just worry there will come a point where enough is enough and it will be over, all to do with money

anyway i just wanted to say rant away

[WideWebWitch]

Bloody hell, poor you.
Can you go to work?
He doesn't deserve to have control of the money, you poor thing. Nice meal my arse as custardo would say.

[OrmIrian]

moreharry - i totally sympathise. I feel much the same as you much of the time. But things aren't as bad - only because DH has never had the get up and go to start his own business. It's harder to get into deep financial sh*t when you're not taking risks. But he does owe for 4 yrs of student loans from when he was training as a teacher (which he isn't doing) But we're usually broke. I've always worked more or less full-time and we now have 3 kids. I'm exhausted and no matter how I try not to be, I'm resentful. I would just like my fairy godmother to stop arsing about and finally get herself here to fix everything!!

What to do? I don't really know. Honestly isn't always the best policy I know but w did have a biiiig row about 6 months ago and I said some nasty things that I'd been bottling up. It cleared the air but I'm not sure it's changed anything. Sorry.

[MoreHarryThanHermione]

Ive tried talking/yelling/writing/soothing/boosting/leaving it to him.

I love him as a person but think is time to leave him and Im angry that its got to this.

[sallysparrow]

What an awful situation. I know exactly what you mean by wandering off like a toddler on a motorway!

You do need to talk - surely now he has a job the money situation ought to be a bit better. Also, although you dont need to have childcare while youre doing stuff from home, maybe you need a job just to get away from it all for a bit?

The fact you feel you hate him is actually not a bad sign - it means you still care enough to want something done! Wait till you cant be arsed to talk to him because you dont care whether he's there or not - thts when its likely its all over.

Come and rant on here - best place!

But you do need to try to talk to him - you sound like the sort of person who needs to know everything is under control, which is why you do everything - and he sounds much more laid back, and probably thinks you like being in control!

Good luck.

[LoveMyGirls]

Would you try counselling before giving it up? We did and it really helped. We had got to the point where we were constantly snapping and bickering, we didn't want to carry on like it but still loved each other and didn't want to be apart either, our relationship has gone from strength to strength because of it.

[LoveMyGirls]

Or a trial seperation? Giving up means you really are left with the mess he has created while staying together means sorting the mess out together and getting through it, though leaving him means once the mess is sorted you won't be getting in a mess ever again. Hard choices. You know where we are for support.

[muppetgirl]

My dh informed me that we were £75k in debt 6 days after our ds was born. I thought it was £28 but no, it was more than double that.
It meant we lived in a rented house when ds was born and till 2 years after. Loads of marital problems with me telling him that although I loved him I didn't actually like him which is very hard when you're married to someone.

How I got my feelings back.

1. I took over all the finances.
   
   By that I mean he closed his bank account (he had to as the bank made him) and I had his wage paid into my account. I worked out the budget and gave him 'spending money'
   
   
2. We had (and still do) 'business'
   
   meetings to discuss household finances. First they were monthly but we then felt it should be weekly. He gets paid weekly now as he's a contractor and this helps planning brilliantly.
   
   
3. We gave ourselves a timelimit.
   
   There has to be a cut off point as to when you both (or jut you) decided enough is enough. No one should be expected to put up with what you have (and me!) without an end in sight. WE gave ourselves a year. But we did review the situation quite often to see what, if any, progress was being made.
   
   
4. You have to think if this is a marriage you actually want to save.
   
   I was fairly newly married with a new baby and I felt that I wanted to make it work. You may feel differently but it is something you are going to have to think about. You cannot expect great change from your husband if you know already that this is the end and also, why put in all that exhausting effort if you already know you don't feel the same anymore. This is something only you can decide. The other issue is trust. You don't and can't trust him with money and really this is a pretty big issue in a marriage. I do trust my husband and we now have a joint bank account but it is online and accessible by both of us at any time.
   
   Our debts have taken 4 years to pay off with it finally ceasing next year. My husband is well paid but that makes no difference if you can't use efficiently what you have!
   
   There is light at the end of the tunnel, please beleive that. You just have to think -what is it that you want out of this marriage and make some decisions.
   
   I wish you luck -I know it isn't easy