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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

Onwards and upwards.

85 replies

katherinez · 12/07/2007 07:03

Well dont know if its too soon for the ADs to be kicking in but today is the first day for as long as I can remember that I havent woken up accompanied by a feeling of complete panic. The knot in my chest is still there, but it is easing. Thought I should create a new thread. 'Is it better to know', was all about my dh and his affair and I need to try to move on from that.

I hope and pray that will lead me to a stronger more commited relationship with my dh, but if not, I will need to move forward on my own. Either way, I need to draw a line under this truly awful time. Maybe jumping the gun here. I know there are plenty of tough days and weeks a head. Even so, just the title of my last thread was making me feel very queasy.

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tribpot · 12/07/2007 07:05

Good for you - glad you are feeling stronger and more positive. Hope things work out for you.

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WaynettaSlob · 12/07/2007 07:05

Katherine - only saw a bit of your original thread, but just wanted to wish you well. You sound strong, so, as you say, onwards and upwards!!

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katherinez · 12/07/2007 07:10

Thanks Tribpot. Thanks Waynetta. Just going to focus on being strong today. Nothing else.

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hurtwife · 12/07/2007 07:31

Ill post on here now then - onwards and upwards. Do you have anything you have always wanted to do - well now is your chance because you can now do anything you put your mind to. That is how you will feel in a few weeks from now i bet.

I am going on holiday on my own with all 4 kids - H is joining us later as he cant get all the time off. This is something i have never done before and i am so scared - i will going on the areoplane alone and then having to pick up a hire car and i have never even driven abroad before. But i know i will feel stronger after.

Set yourself little targets at first. You will feel so much better knowing you can do all this on your own - which is more than can be said for him.

Good luck and have a good day.

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katherinez · 12/07/2007 07:35

Thanks hurtwife. Will definately think of some little things to do today, for myself and my dds. Baby steps and all that.

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BecauseImTheFatLady · 12/07/2007 08:08

Haven't read all your other post either, but wanted to say how good it is to hear that you're feeling more positive. I hope it gives you the strength to create the kind of life that you want that will be good for you.

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katherinez · 12/07/2007 08:16

Its so awful. I just didnt appreciate him. He truly is a wonderful, wonderful husband and father. I would walk over hot coals to be with him now. I really would do anything just to sit with him, just to be near him. I love him so, so much.

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obimomkanobi · 12/07/2007 08:27

He isn't that wonderful though is he? He's behaved really badly towards you and engineered it so that you feel that you are to blame.

He sounds like a piece of work.

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katherinez · 12/07/2007 08:30

No hes not. Dont get me wrong. I know there is no excuse for what he has done. Nothing can justify that. But as far as our relationship goes, I have lots of making up to do. Seriously, I am being strong. Its just we all make mistakes, dont we.

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katherinez · 12/07/2007 08:31

Thats no hes not a piece of work. He is wonderful. Just not superman. But none of us are, are we.

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TimeForMe · 12/07/2007 08:37

It's good to hear you sound so positive katherine

I hate to put a damper on things but it does sound as though you are blaming yourself in some way for his having an affair. No matter how unappreciated he felt, how unloved or neglected, he didn't have to turn to another woman. He had a choice.
You are not responsible for his behaviour, his actions or his choices.

I commend you for wanting to make changes but I do hope that you are doing this for yourself. Take good care and continue being strong!
Onwards and upwards indeed!!!

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TimeForMe · 12/07/2007 08:39

And yes, we do all make mistakes. Your dh is not a bad person, he just made a bad decision

He is very lucky to have you Katherine xx

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hurtwife · 12/07/2007 08:48

Katherine - i know how easy it is to blame yourself but try not to too much. Whatever happens now you will be a better person because you wont take people for granted anymore and that will make you better. I am sure you do still love him and there is hope believe me but at the moment you need to concentrate on you and what you want.

You can survive without him - he will see that and maybe realise what a complete fool he has been - just dont make it all too easy for him - a lot of men mine included still wanted their cake and eat it.

Now go and have a fabulous day where something will make you glad to be alive.

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macdoodle · 12/07/2007 09:18

Katherine please be careful hon I initially followed same path as you blaming myself fror him feeling unloved and unwanted but his solution was to lie cheat and deceive and that is not wonderful at all...if he trly is prepared to change prove to you he has an appreciate YOU then thats wonderful - but careful he doesn't take it as an excuse to carry on cheating and take you for granted - please I agree we all make mistakes and it takes 2 to damage a marriage BUT he was the one that went elsewhere not you

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katherinez · 12/07/2007 09:48

I am trying to be strong. Its just its not black and white, thats all.

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TimeForMe · 12/07/2007 10:17

You are doing really well Katherine, you are coping with all this the best way you know how and thats all that anyone can ask of you.

It's early days. Don't be too hard on yourself xx

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obimomkanobi · 12/07/2007 11:09

Katherine, you are doing really well...but you are doing what so many of us do in this situation. You are trying to be superhuman. You are trying to be rational, you are trying to be understanding and you are trying to look at why things went wrong.

I'm not trying to be horrible or to upset you, many years ago I was where you are now and I did all the same things.

BUT (and this is broadly what someone said to me) he hasn't 'made a mistake'. He has knowingly lied to you, distanced himself from you and stolen away time that should have been reserved for you and your children.

At the moment you are raw and this is all early days, do not try to shoulder the full burden of this. Look after yourself, don't try and overthink the situation, don't waste valuable time and energy trying to be understanding and supportive of him.

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mylittlestar · 12/07/2007 11:14

Good to hear you sounding more positive and I completely understand why the new thread is a good idea - definitely onwards and upwards!

I admire you so much for accepting your faults and your part to play in the marriage breaking down. My H too was the most wonderful husband and best dad in the world. He really was.

But people change, and the sort of person who cheats on someone and lies to their face has not only made bad choices and bad mistakes, but they have a lot of work to do to prove that they will never do this again. He could have dealt with his feelings like the husband and father he is. Instead he took the cowards way and used another woman to boost his ego and escape from reality. That is his fault and his fault alone.

Something I found hard to accept is that H, at the moment, does not love me in the same way I love him. Because if he did he wouldn't have put me and my baby through this hell.
Onwards and upwards is exactly right. Because you don't need him. You want him. But people should treat others the way they want to be treated themselves. And that's a lesson your H needs to learn fast so that he can prove to you that he is worthy of your love!

Am so glad the counselling went well. If your H goes too I really think that you can get through this. I am hoping and praying for your happy ending

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katherinez · 12/07/2007 14:07

Thank you all. I am beginning to get my head round things a bit. I feel quite empowered now as I am beginning to sort some of the practical things out. The house is tidy, the children are happy. And Im, well, better than yesterday. I hope he will do the counselling. I think we have a lot to talk about, But if not, I know I will still benefit from it greatly.

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katherinez · 12/07/2007 17:05

Thanks for the positive vibes MLS!

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Mommalove · 12/07/2007 18:19

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katherinez · 12/07/2007 20:26

I saw him tonight. Had to go out and leave him with the dds. I would have screamed at him otherwise. Took half an hour out and when I came back I felt fine. It was wierd seeing him tonight. I love him so much. I do want to try and make it work but seeing him just made me realize what he had actually done. I have spent the last week thinking how I can get him to want to try too. But after seeing him. I dont know whether I would be able to take him back. Hes so laid back about it all. He hasnt even said sorry. I think he thinks now hes left it makes it all ok??!!!

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hurtwife · 13/07/2007 08:19

Katherine was thinking about you last night and really feel for you having to face him at the moment. You still dont know where your emotions are yet and where they will settle - while he thinks he has made up his mind.

I was going to say - show him you are sad at what has happened but try not to be to hysterical at him as he could use it against you (see i told you she was mad blah blah blah). You alone cannot change the situation but give him something to think about too - dont tell him everything about what you are doing - remember he has choosen to leave all that behind. You can be dignifyed and strong and the lovely person that you are and have no shame in looking him in the eye.

But i know how hard all that is. Are you able to get him to take over the looking after of the children at some point and give him a taste of what he has let himself in for. (the children will be fine - if a little upset at first - but let him deal with it as much as you are having to).

Well i am off to practice what i preach and having a haircut today and off out this evening with some girl friends. (i would rather stay in with hubby but i know this will do me good in the long run - let him see i can still have fun and all that).

Hope you have a good day - just look how far you have come already.

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katherinez · 13/07/2007 08:39

Thanks hurtwife. Hope you have a great evening. I just cannot believe the person he has become. He is not the man I thought he was at the moment. I am trying to be strong. Feel much better today. Seem to be doing more and more each day. Went for walk yesterday. Which was the first time in weeks. Cooked the girls a proper meal, aswell. It real is all the little things that I just havent been able to do. I actually had a proper nights sleep last night which was bliss. And I am getting more comfortable being in the house alone. It is a steep learning curve at the moment. I am getting quite worried in a way that I dont know whether I will want to take him back or not. I want to want to try because I do love him so much, but I am just so angry with him. And the longer it carries on I seem to be getting more angry because he is still not facing what he has done. But I guess that is for his conscience, not mine. Like I have said a thousand times. I know I have made mistakes but I want to learn from them. He just wants to run away from his. His dds are used to seeing him everyday and 24 7 at the weekend. And Now they have seen him once in 6 days. He is not aknowledging what he has done, not at all.

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mylittlestar · 13/07/2007 08:50

katherinez I am so glad you're managing to get into a routine and get out, and also get back to some sense of 'normality'.

You are going through exactly the same feelings and emotions as me. Exactly.
(It's scary as I could be writing your posts!)

As time goes on I too get more angry and start to consider whether I could really have him back after what he's done. Then 2 seconds later I feel like I love him so much I just want him home and want to work it out.
Then a minute later I want to tell him to get lost forever so I can find someone who deserves me!

A tiny glimmer of hope for me though was yesterday, he had ds in the afternoon and dropped him off at home for me. Usually as he drives away I feel a real sense of sadness and want him to come back and give me a big hug. But he got his his car, put on his sunglasses (stupid bloody glasses that I never liked anyway and he looks daft in! ) and I felt almost a sense of relief. Not overwhelming love and sadness like usual. But relief that I didn't have to worry about him, that I could close the door and have a lovely evening with ds in a peaceful house full of love and happiness. It was a strange feeling. But the first time I have felt like I really might be better off without him.

Does make me think that if the day ever comes when he realises just what he's done I will be so happy with my new life that I won't want the lying cheating coward back!

You're getting there. You're doing great. And like I say, there is still every chance of that happy ending and you all being back together.
But only if you decide it's what you want