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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

please someone help i don't know what to do

47 replies

nappyaddict · 07/07/2007 14:26

i need someone to have ds. he just isn't safe here anymore. me and mums bf have just had another aguement. i didn't want it to escalate to i slammed the door shut before i said something i would regret. he forced it back open and ds was in the way and his head got banged. i feel so guilty.

he didn't ask to be brought into this crazy messed up place i live in and it's all my fault he's got hurt. he shouldn't have to listen to screaming, shouting and fighting all day and he especially shouldn't have to put up with getting his head banged off doors.

i've just asked my mum to look at his head cos there's a big red lump and she replied saying that it was there already and the door didn't even touch him cos that's what he's told her. that mark was not already there and the door did hit him. the response i got was well he seems happy enough and ok he does now but he did cry for 5 mins after. i know this isn't a long time but that's not the point.

basically what i want to know is if i go down the foster care route will it be easy to get him back or do i risk losing him forever?

or has anyone got any other ideas?

OP posts:

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tiredemma · 07/07/2007 14:30

how old is he?

I dont know your history- are you living at your mothers?

littlerach · 07/07/2007 14:31

I have absolutley no knowlege or experince with foster care, but didn't want you to go unanswered.
I am sure someone will be abekl to give you osme good advice soon, and hope you get it sorted out.

nappyaddict · 07/07/2007 14:32

ds is 12 months.

yes i live with my mum and her horrible horrible horrible partner.

OP posts:

Earlybird · 07/07/2007 14:34

I also don't know your background. Presumably you have looked into a council property where you and ds could be without the stresses of your mum/her boyfriend? Fill us in on the history please and answers will be more useful....

pinkspottywellies · 07/07/2007 14:34

I don't know the answer to your question but just wanted to offer moral support.
If you are getting help from Social Services can they help you find somewhere to live with your ds, rather than asking them to take him away from you? I've read some of your posts about this situation before and it sounds like you both need to get away. Are you going to Uni this year? I remember reading a thread about that - can you move earlier than planned?
Hope you are ok.

tiredemma · 07/07/2007 14:34

can you not apply for housing? ( im sorry if you have already explained this- I have not followed your previous threads)

think seriously before you consider fostering for your child- sometimes it can be a lengthy road to get children back

kate100 · 07/07/2007 14:35

Can you not afford to move out?Do you have any other relatives that you can stay with? If you and your son aren't safe contact social services and ask for emergency accomodation, if it's that bad is there a refuge you can go to while you try and find somewhere else to live?

AudreyFforbesHamilton · 07/07/2007 14:35

Nappyaddict - do you have friends you could stay with for a few days whilst we all try and find help for you to access some more support?
You do not need to give up your child because your mother's BF is awful.

tiredemma · 07/07/2007 14:36

womens refuge??

try womens aid- its for all domestic family problems- not just partner abuse.

Nbg · 07/07/2007 14:37

You dont need to go down the foster care route NA and you dont need to be there either putting up with it.

Get yourself an appt at your local CAB for first thing Monday morning and see what you can and cant do.
Even if you can get into a hostel or B&B and maybe be put on an emergency council house list.

tribpot · 07/07/2007 14:37

Can you move out? I see from your profile that you're 18 and a student so I would guess not exactly swimming in cash, would the Council house you? Can anything be done about the partner, what do you argue about?

Turquoise · 07/07/2007 14:40

Definitely try Women's Aid - they can at least point you in the right direction and maybe offer short term shelter. They'll listen and advise if nothing else, and abuse in the home is still abuse even though he's not your partner.

nappyaddict · 07/07/2007 14:41

we are on the council list. been waiting ages. don't know if we would qualify for emergency housing? doesn't it have to be violent to get that?

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singingmum · 07/07/2007 14:42

Nappyaddict foster care is extremely serious and tbh not best idea.SS could help get you into a decent hostel until housing available.
Are you in the cardiff area(noticed that you are a student in cardiff)?
My cousin went into a hostel with her ds's and now has her own home(stay away from st Mellons SS as nightmare).
You should be both given priority as obv not a good situation at home.
Wish I could help more but can only give little advice.A womens refuge as suggested by others def worth a try.

singingmum · 07/07/2007 14:45

If situation at home is unliveable then you should be able to get emergency housing as you and your ds are obv in danger.
Was it your room that he forced his way into?If so tell whoever you speak to as this would I believe be considered threatening and violent behaviour.
Your ds being hurt isn't your fault it is his as he obv knew there was a child around and he obv didn't care if that child was hurt.

kate100 · 07/07/2007 14:46

Your ds had got a bump to the head as a result of your living arrangments, that IS violence. Try social services, it can't do any harm and you may get to move out. Good luck.

nappyaddict · 07/07/2007 14:50

i was meant to be having a great day aswell. had the day off work so me and ds have just been relaxing and playing and having a wonderful day. was even going out tonight cos mum was babysitting. and now this has all happened.

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nappyaddict · 07/07/2007 14:53

i'm worried they will take him away from me though. a while back the police got involved cos i rang them and basically i was made out to be the bad one, social services got involved and ds almost got taken away.

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Janos · 07/07/2007 15:52

nappyaddict,

I have seen a few of your posts before and my heart goes out to you. It is terribly hard but you really must get out of this place, for you and your DS.

What you need to do is get out there in the short term and then find somewhere else to live long term, for the sake of you and your DS.

Is there a friend or other family member that you can stay with?

You can also try contacting women's aid.

I can't believe that the council would not attempt to rehouse you. I became homless when my DS was 18 months old. It took us 6 months to get somewhere to live - if you are staying with a friend you will be classed as homeless. This should get you bumped up the waiting list if nothing else. So speak to your housing dept as well. Shelter may also be able to help.

I know all of this sounds horrendous and hard work but it is much better than having your DS taken into foster care.

I'm also wondering if you get any help/support apart from your mum?

I can honestly say, don't sit around worrying about 'what if' as this is the biggest barrier to getting your situation sorted out. I am positive your DS won't be taken away as you sound like a loving and caring mum.

Do something the moment you can, even if it is just ringing a friend to ask if you can go and stay.

Good luck.

purplepoppet · 07/07/2007 15:53

Can you not go down the route of renting a flat privately and then claim housing benefit?? If you have a look on your local council's website you will see how much 'space' your entitled too, i.e. How many rooms you would be allowed. I am on my own and have 3 children...my eldest is a boy and the younger two are girls, so because of this I am entitled to a 3 bedroomed property.

Even if you get a 1 bedroomed flat, that would be much better than the situation you're in now.

Ring round all your local agents and explain you will be claiming housing benefit. Don't be dishearten as alot of landlords won't take DSS, however, you will find some that do. Once you find somewhere you like you then need to contact the council and have a pre tenancy determination done. This will then tell you how much housing benefit you will be entitled too. As long as you find somewhere, where the rent is reasonable and not too much for what your entitled too, i.e. the right size property, they you will find that they will pay all of it, if not most of it. With your child tax credit and child benefit, you may find that you can afford to go down this route.

As I say, have a look on your local council website, that should give you more of an idea...

FlamingTomatoes · 07/07/2007 15:57

You risk losing him forever.

You need to get yourself out and take him with you.

FlamingTomatoes · 07/07/2007 16:01

go to your council. Explain that the situation has become violent, and your mother's partner has tried to batter his way into a room you and your small son were in.

they WILL place you in a refuge or hostel, they are LEGALLY OBLIGED to do so.

Don't let the police make you feel like a bad mother for objecting to being treated violently by an older man. It's not the police who can rehome you, it doesn't matter what they think. BUT if you need to prove to the council that he is a violent man, you might be helped very much by a police record of complaint.

frapachino · 07/07/2007 16:02

Get what you need for you and your son and go to your local a and e explain the situation to them and they will phone emergency social services on your behalf. A social worker will come to the hospital today and will ensure that you and your child are housed albeit temporary today so you will be safe. They will then help you get more suitable accommodation. How old are you? Sometimes there are special hostels for young girls and their babies.

nappyaddict · 07/07/2007 16:10

thankyou all so much for your help. my friend is off to portsmouth tomorrow to seeher family and has offered me the keys to her house whilst she is away.

wonderful considering i have only met her twice but we do chat all the time on the phone and msn. (i met her off netmums - see they aren't all bad

have had a chat with my mum. she has been against me moving out for ages but i think she now realises i need to and has said she will come with me to cab on monday.

is housing and cab the same place?

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nappyaddict · 07/07/2007 16:12

janos - what do you mean by other help?

where did you live for the 6 months you were waiting for a council house?

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