I want to get my feelings about dh off my chest; bit of a long drawn out rant, sorry, feel free to ignore!

[Mossy]

I've been trying my best to get over the way dh acted towards me in the last few weeks of my pregnancy and now ds is born but I'm finding it difficult so just wanted to get it off my chest.

For the last few months of my pregnancy dh withheld sex; he later told me this was because he had found the whole huge, stretchmarked, lying on the couch exhausted in a comfy dressing gown thing a huge turnoff.

As soon as I went one day overdue he started heaping the pressure on for me to be induced. In the end I bowed to the pressure at +15 days (my decision too, as I could see my maternity leave ticking away, but if I'd had more support from him I may have stuck it out longer) and it was horrible.

When ds was born, for the first week he was the doting father, changed nappies, cuddled him, bathed him etc. but as soon as the crying started dh's interest just waned and it was all down to me; especially as this co-incided with his paternity leave ending.

When ds started wanting to bf round the clock at about three weeks (as it was the only thing that would stop him crying) dh's solution was to try and pressure me to ff him.... not so I could get a rest, oh no. So that I could "at least sweep the hall and wash the dishes" because it was the first thing he saw when he came in from work.

Dh was convinced I had pnd and this was the reason why I was in tears most of the time, nothing to do with his complete lack of support and his going on about the housework not being done, and pointing out that I should be doing exercise by now to lose the weight and stop scoffing chocolate in such copious amounts.

So I went to the Dr. and got put on 20mg Prozac a day.

It made it a lot easier for me to deal with ds' constant crying, and with me finally getting some excellent rl bf support, and with him simply getting older (11 wks) his crying has calmed down and he is much happier. So now the housework does get done.

Dh thinks that ds' increased happiness is because "happy mum = happy baby" with the implied criticism that ds was unhappy because I was.

Dh and I sleep in separate rooms, initially this was a week-day arrangement to enable dh to get enough sleep for work, and then we'd sleep in the same room at the weekend and I would feed ds but dh would settle him after a feed. But now it's every day, with the clause that at weekends, dh will take ds off me for two hours to enable me to lie in.

Initially this was bonding time; dh would take ds for a walk around the park in his baby carrier thingy; the last few weekends now ds is happier and less demanding, it has been dh lying on the couch watching telly with ds in his baby bouncer being "good" (i.e. quiet).

Dh does do all the cooking. But even this is because if I cook I might - horror of horrors - not cook everything from scratch and might for example occasionally use a jar of sauce to save time.

And now he keeps making pointed comments about money, and that my maternity leave comes to an end "really soon" (September) and I had better start looking for a job soon (I don't plan to go back to original job).

Now ds is a lot easier to look after, and I can whizz around getting the house work done. It's not difficult, and as for the nights, I just put myself to bed earlier and have learned to feed lying down. So it's not as if dh's actions are putting me out any more. But I just wanted to rant. Not particularly after advice as such; the only question I have really is, what the hell has happened to the loving, supportive dh I had for the first seven years of our marriage?

[lulumamasmentee]

mossy I am for you. The withholding of sex thing I can sympathise with as I have experience of this with DP during my first pregnancy and it's really not nice when your feeling huge and unsure of yourself etc. Men can be very heartless some times.

I am glad you have got some good advice re breastfeeding and that is all going well for you. I'm not really sure what else to say apart from that it seems that you are getting alot of pressure from your DH over various things and with an 11wk old baby thats that last thing you need.

Hopefully somebody else will be along soon to offer some more practical advice but until then >

[strawberry]

So sorry you're going through this Mossy. Like you say, you are over the newborn stage and life is a little easier so perhaps now is the time to sit down with your DH for a chat. Are you able to get a babysitter so you can go out as a couple? It's important to have this time together.

[Tutter]

what a lot of pressure mossy

not sure i have many wise words, i'm afraid, but wanted to give a bit of moral support

hope someone can give some words of advice re dh soon

[Mossy]

Lulu it's not so bad now that ds is older and cries much less, I just feel like I'm never going to be able to see dh in the same way again.

Strawberry the other night we went out together for the first time, left ds with mil and a huge bottle of ebm (took me forever to express it mind) and, well we had a nice meal out, and then dh had quite a few drinks so sex was off the menu (tbh, though, I actually felt relieved... sounds weird, I wanted it so much during the last few weeks of pgcy, but now? I just don't find him attractive any more, I don't mean physically, I think he is good looking, but ykwim).

[Mossy]

X posts Tutter, I think the advice I need is to know how to tell this to dh, because he seems to think now that everything is "back to normal". If I say something now it'll just get us at each other's throats again.

[strawberry]

Glad you managed to get out together recently - can you make it a regular thing? I think your feelings are completely normal and also the reaction of your DH (although doesn't make it right). I feel I can really relate to what you're going through. It's great that breastfeeding is going well but think this can also interfere with sex life. That was my experience anyway and DH was not very keen or supportive. I think you will find that things will improve with time although little consolation at the moment.

[Mossy]

I hope so, before this my dh was wonderful and we shared all housework etc. and had a reasonable sex life, okay the bed was never "on fire" but we did have some fun!

Dh has been a little more supportive of the bf now it is going better, but I suspect he is uneasy / possibly slightly jealous? about it (just a few comments).

[strawberry]

I think a lot of men see 'talking' as 'nagging' and a lot of the time it falls on deaf ears. Many men respond better to actions IMO but this is easier said than done.

[Mossy]

It's not even that I want him to "pull his weight", we only live in a little house so it's not like there's shed loads that needs doing. Now ds has stopped his constant crying (I couldn't let him cry, so I spent my time either feeding him or cuddling him) I can get it done.

I just want him to want to do some baby-related "chores"; you know, like want to take a bath with him, or want to settle him of an evening, or even want to change a nappy (okay, maybe not that, but ykwim). He is happy to occasionally cuddle him or "talk" to him, but even this he sees as a chore, or an opportunity for me to get on with some housework.

(He is out playing squash right now so I thought sod the housework I'm going on MN!)

[lulumamasmentee]

I can understand why you might not want to have sex with him at the moment as you are feeling rejected and that is normal.

I think the housework/childcare thing is that same old "I don't want you to just do it, I want you to want to do it" lol, we have this all the time in our house and I still haven't found a way around it.

[Mossy]

Yes, I don't want him to do baby-related stuff if he doesn't actually want to do it! But he just seems to want to spend time with ds when he's at his happiest and cheeriest, and as soon as there's even a grizzle, hand him back!

[Tinkerbel5]

I think your husband has an appaling attitude towards you, how honourable of him to take your son off you for 2 hours so you can have a lie in he belittles you at every opportunity and he treats your son like he is yours on and just helps you out, I hope mossy that you will start sticking up for yourself and tell him when he is being unreasonable

[Tinkerbel5]

yours *only

as for witholding sex, that can work both ways, glad he is such an adonis and cock sure that you will always want it from him

[Mossy]

Tinkerbel last time I told him exactly what I thought of him, he put it down to pnd! Now I'm on the Prozac, he can't put it down to that any more...

Thing is, he is being more supportive of me bfing, in terms of he doesn't make pointed comments about it any more at any rate, which was one of the things I told him I was really p'd off about.

He does do all the cooking... I suppose that's more than lots of blokes do.

[Dior]

Message withdrawn

[Tinkerbel5]

Mossy I dont think you are pnd, I think you are quite together considering your husbands criticism towards you, get it all off your chest and tell yourself you are in control

He does have his good points though if he does all the cooking.

[divastrop]

mossy.

although i have never experienced being in a relationship for very long before getting pregnant,and cant offer much in the way of advice,i just wanted to offer my support.

i really think your dh has no idea about what being a parent entails.yet.

however,i still feel like dd3 is 'mine' and i have to ask dp (or even give him permission)to do stuff.the one or 2 times i have left her with him i felt guilty.its not like this with dd2,though,she is nearly 19 months and dp spends alot of time with her,he doesnt need to be asked.tbh i think men find small babies boring.

the thing about sex sounds hurtful.even if he was thinking that,he shouldnt have said it(i think my dp's gonads would be nailed to the wall somewhere if he'd admitted finding me unattractive when i was pregnant).a more tactful 'i was worried the baby would get hurt' or something would have been better.

have you though about posting a link to this thread in the men's room?maybe a male perspective would enlighten you as to what may be going through your dh's mind right now....

[divastrop]

did you not know that men never do anything wrong???if you have a go at them about something its always cos you have PND/PMT/or a side effect of the ad's and you are unable to think rationally.

[kittywits]

Poor you Mossy, don't know what to say really

[spongecake]

oh mossy, it sounds hard for you. things will never be back to "normal" though.. I mean, there is a new normal. which always changes.

do you know any friends who have children who can be relied upon say the right things and meet up with them, sort of example?

what was his mum like, does she influence his behaviour? he sounds rather old fashioned like the 1950's when men weren't men if they touched a baby.. he might just have NO IDEA of how he should behave, so does what seems easiest and what he knows. i would have a long, nice talk with him about changes and what will not ever be the same-hopefully he can deal with that...

can't think of anything constructive to say re housework and stuff, except that itagain sounds like 1950's-sorry i do like mils really even if i do blame them for what i can

[wishingfourgotone]

sorry have no advice that hasnt already been said glad you felt you can post it hope its helped!

[Sparkletastic]

Hi Mossy - really feel for you. Have you suggested ending the separate rooms arrangement? DH and I slept sep for a few weeks after each DD's birth, but seemed to pull us apart from one-another when all it was about was letting DH get a good night's sleep before work. He opted for ear-plugs instead and we were much more affectionate once in the same bed again . I think you are amazing for not having a massive rant at him - I sooooo would. Many men deffo aren't good with tiny babies - my DH included! I do agree that they need to be heavily encouraged to spend lots of time with the baby and then their confidence and hopefully enthusiasm will grow.

[HappyDaddy]

WHY are so many men such self centred arseholes? I there's a lot of jealousy, from men, over the new bond and attention that you are giving baby. That may be behind a lot of the barbed comments.

But, seriously, why can't us blokes me adults and accept that the tiny, helpless baby that we wanted and helped create needs to be put first? Surely it's not so difficult to understand that wanting to help you, by doing the housework a little, spending proper time with baby will make YOUR response to him much better, too? I'm very angry that you put yourself of prozac, to stop his attitude of "you must be depressed" the arrogant prick.

I LOVED doing the night feeds as it was my time. At work there was always a "martyrs" competition among the new dads as to who had had the least sleep, while still going to work. I often won, with about an hour a night .

[expatinscotland]

I don't know, HD, but I wouldn't have married my husband if he didn't see our relationship for what it is: a partnership and our family as just that.

I'm just hoping the same for my daughters.

[Gig]

This is going to sound harsh- but my advice is get out of this relationship fast. Or at least go for couples' counselling. Your husband doesn't seem to give a damn about you- maybe he is just jealous and it's making him behave selfishly, but if he's so immature, you'd be better off without him.