I feel like a doormat.

[Carmenere]

I'm fed up of being the support system for dp's life. I feel like staff. He has just retired from 30 yrs in the police, he went immediately to Japan for a martial arts course for 10 days. I went to Ireland to see my family so that wasn't too bad.

But then there was Christmas which is just a huge amount of work for me(I did all the shopping presents, food ect). And his mum was here, and she is a major pain, at least I put my foot down and she stayed in the hotel.

Then his dd(7) came to stay, she is very nice but doesn't speak any english and he had to work( he is an osteopath) so I was with the girls by myself quite a bit, which was hard work, particularly as I had work to do.
Now he is doing a masters course for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, leaving the house at 6.30 and returning at 7.30.

And then on Tuesday he is going to Japan for another 10 days and when he comes back he has another three days at the masters course. After that I have to go away for work (but only if I can sort out childcare myself)
He has just one weekend free up until the end of march every one is booked up with courses.

No I know he is not down the bookies gambling or going out raving but I feel like a complete and utter apendage and I resent that he doesn't want to clear any time to spend with me whatsoever. And if I raise it with him he just says I told him to do the masters(I do think it is a good idea) and told him to go to Japan(I diddn't realise it was so close to the previous trip) and that I am nagging him.

He is just soo bloody selfish. And I know that all my friends and family think he is taking the piss which is embarassing.

[anorak]

I've known a lot of men who've lost their families because they spend too much time doing things 'to take care of their families' - working too hard, courses, etc. Your dp is in danger of this I think.

He needs some quality of life as much as youu do. Work and providing things isn't everything. I don't think it's going to be easy to get this through to him. Perhaps simply stating what is going to happen will work, ie:

It's entirely up to you whether you factor in some family time or not, I can't tell you what to do. However, I can tell you that if you don't there will soon come a time that you will not have a family to come home to.

You should work to live, not live to work.

Good luck.

[Carmenere]

Ah ladies, some sympathy at least please. Or am I just being selfindulgent?

[Carmenere]

X posts anorak

[Carmenere]

The thing is he has a real problem with being told what to do or given ultimatums(convenient really). He just clams up and ignores me.

[Carmenere]

And he is also genuinely exhausted whenever he does have any time off.

[lulumama]

no, i don;t think you are being self indulgent..if one part of the family unit is essentially pleasing themselves..although in retirement, i imagine one would want some sort of free rein...but it is a different situation when you still have young children at home..and the partner is working and raising the kids......

weeks away from home, if one party not happy with it needs talking about and resolving..

can you afford for an au pair or other help to come and ease the burden on you as i imagine the masters is a few years of a commitment?

[MrsBadger]

I don't know how true or useful this is, but I wonder if he's having a bit of a crisis at the thought of retiring and is cramming his life full of other stuff because he's worried he'll feel useless or be bored without his job... and has completely failed to see how this would impact on the family side of his life.

Can you book him (well in advance) for quality family time - not just time at home that's easy to wriggle out of, but 'events' that go on the calendar and he can't miss?

[Carmenere]

That's the other thing, my career is at a stage where it could really take off but I'm finding it difficult to work from home. I am going to have to find proper childcare, but he just says well make sure it doesn't cost more than you earn as if the bloody child isn't his too!!

[anorak]

I would say this is not an ultimatum, I am not planning to flounce out of your life, but I know that I need more quality of life than this. I love you and moved in with you to share my life with you, that's not happening and my needs and desires for my life are not being met. This is not the life I want. I am not asking you to make me happy, but if you don't want to then I will change my circumstances and continue to seek my happiness myself. It is only fair to tell you this and give you a chance to do something before events take their course. You would only complain that you hadn't been given any warning otherwise.

This is not nagging or an ultimatum, and if he says it is he is hiding from the truth.

Men often accuse women of nagging when they don't want to listen.

[Tortington]

you owed 2 holidays to japan as far as i can see

[anorak]

MrsBadger has a good point but you will not get to discuss this with him if he won't talk. But I guess even saying it to him might make him go away and think, even if he seems not to listen.

[DimpledThighs]

IMO this sounds like rather a lot fo time away from you and expecting alot from you in return - esp. if you have chances carrer wise. I think I would be tempted to either have a word or start planning time to yourself/to work and make he know it is non neogiable (much in the way he seems to have.)

This is a miserable time of year at the best of times, this must make it extra horrid.

Best wishes.

[lulumama]

so is part of the issue that the work home life split is such that the kids are 'yours' and your money is 'yours' and his money and time is his.....

gosh..if he is not willing to help pay for childcare so you can progress and increase your earning potential, that seems unfair

is not the money in the pot for the whole family?

[Carmenere]

Normally MrsBadger I would agree with you but the thing is that when he was working he was just as busy because he was doing two jobs because we needed the money. Now we don't and he is still packing each and every day with stuff.
He has achieved a hell of a lot in his life(degrees, masters, serious martial arts) and most of this was done as a distraction when he was married to his ex. I am worried he is doing the same or that he is just so used to being busy he doesn't see why there would be a problem.

[Carmenere]

The money thing is a bit of a unknown quatity because in all the time we have been together we haven't had a bean. But now we do, or at least he does. Now he is not mean, i'll give him that but tbh one of my fears is that I am expected to help him build his future and yet there are no guarentees for my future. He is just about to get divorced(don't ask, it's been nearly 4 yrs and he was seperated for 1.5 before) so he doesn't want to get married just yet.
I want to get married, he doesn't. So if we split up I will get a couple of hundred quid a month for my dd and I'll have wasted 4 vital years where I could have built up financila security for myself.

[skibump]

Carmen, know exactly how you feel. My dh is very successful and works very long hours.Of course I'm proud of him, but why is it that if I need to go out in the evening or the weekends I need to make special arrangements, whereas if he works late that's just how it is?? We do a diary check every week or so and that helps (tho fels a bit like being at work!), not to try to make it 'fair', it just sort of re-enforces that I'm not 100% responsible for the babe 100% of the time. It sounds like you could do with a bit of recognition at least :-)

[MrsBadger]

Ah right, that puts a bit of a different spin on it.
It might actually be very difficult for him to break what sounds like a lifetime's 'busyness' habit and an ultimatum demanding a sudden change isn't going to do it. I do think you should book non-negotiable time for yourself, and especially for business trips, but I wouldn't expect him to suddenly acquiesce to being home with the kids all the time.
If he's conversant with the whole self-fulfillment, achievment, success type thing can you use this kind of language to explain how much you want to achieve success in your business and make the most fo the opportunities coming your way?

I appreciate I'm probably too soft an/or naive, but I really think that he's not doing this maliciously to get at you, and probably has no intention whatsoever of upsetting you, but genuinely has no idea that you're finding it so hard.

[Carmenere]

Oh we live by a wall planner........

[skibump]

ooo, lots of crossed posts and lots more info. Actually it's REALLY important that you get the time you need to sort out your career and financial security. Think others are right, best to find a way to be clear about what you need

[Carmenere]

The thing is, I know he's not doing it to upset me, he just thinks I shouldn't be upset by it iyswim.
I'm just fed up with it today, I'll try to talk to him without getting upset. If I get upset he just switches off.
I've decided that I will book a weekend away for us on the one weekend he is off in March.
I will take driving lessons so I am not so isolated and I will find a childminder and he can pay.

I am not asking for much really just a bit of time and a bit of consideration. Oh and I have already told him that he is not going to Japan again without me.