\when a couple splits up, what stops them getting divorced straight away?

[juicychops]

me and dp have been together a year on Monday. He had been split up for nearly a year when we got together and there doesn't seem to be any plans of divorce yet. He has 3 kids who i haven't met yet. But dp no longer lives with them and they understand they are split up.

I have brought this up with my dp ages ago but he didn't want to talk about it saying he doesn't know what he's doing one day to the next so he cant even think about that right now.

i want to bring it up with him again, but dont know how to do it tactfully. Would there be any particular reason why he isn't thinking about divorce yet?

[Carmenere]

Because he doesn't want to get married again I'd guess.

[juicychops]

Ive never wanted to bring the subject of marriage up as i didn't think he would want to marry again, however he has brought it up recently sayinng he loves me enough to think that one day he would want to marry me. I really feel that we will be together forever. I think i know how he feels about me, and im sure he knows how i feel about him. we are quite open with our feelings and often talk about how we feel, its just this subject of divorce that im too scared to bring up

[Greensleeves]

The fact that you haven't met his kids yet is a clue, I think. It sounds as though he ahs got his life organised into compartments and isn't keen to combine them yet. I would tackle it gently from that angle first, if it was me - suggest that it might be a good idea for you to meet them, if you are going to be part of his life. IME people who like to take their time adjusting to change dislike being given ultimatums, however reasonable and tactfully presented - and asking about the divorce is going to sound like an ultimatum, even if you don't mean it as one.

[analoguegirl]

there can be lots of legal twinings too involved, he might not be able to afford a divorce just yet and there can be lots of hidden costs and maybe lump-sum payments.

just try and talk to him gently maybe? hehe

[Judy1234]

It's very risky delaying it though because value of properties goes up and if you're in England the relevant date is the divorce date, not date of separation. Also value of any new property he has bought since is included in the pot he splits with his wife. Much better to get it over and done with sooner. Who owns the place you both live in now?

[LIZS]

2 years is an "accepted" timeframe but for no real reason. Perhaps he has a mental block and just doesn't feel the need to change it atm and formalise the split. He is obviously committed to his children at least but not sure where that leaves you ?? If it bothers you , raise it sooner rather than later, but fear his reticence is telling.

[juicychops]

He lives between his sisters and his dads at the moment. His wife lives in his house with his boys. He stays with me most nights unless he has his boys for the night, then he stays at either his dads or sisters with them.

Think i might try and slip it in conversation tonight. Been thinking a lot about it today

[Becauseimworthit]

Unless there are grounds for a divorce then he has to be separated for 2 years (or at least that's my understanding)

[AMAZINWOMAN]

i was in the same position, i dated a wonderful man for a year. But he never got dicorced and I never met his kids. He said it was too expensive getting divorced and preferred to spend the money on other things. But I never met his kids-and that really really hurt me. I felt like a bit on the side-(when his ex found out about me, all of a sudden he had to have kids every weekend) so I hardly saw him then. It was 10 months until i met his parents-and that was only because i caused an arguemnt. i ended up feeling insecure.

[juicychops]

Ive met his parents and get on really well with them. And also his sister. His ex knows he has a girlfriend (but he hasn't officially declared it) and he knows she has a boyfriend ( who also hasn't officially declared it)

Brought it up briefly last night. I asked him if he was going to get divorced and he said yes, one day. I chickened out of going any further with the conversation

[Judy1234]

Because.. the only ground for divorce is that the marriage has irretrievably broken down. You can show that by adultery or by unreasonable behaviour. Just about any marriage in the country including the happines on mumsnet you could draw up an unreasonable behaviour petition and it would stick. No one defends them or very rarely therefore in effect we have divorce on demand (after 1 year marriage) in England.