I think I've ruined everything

[snowytyphoonsmum]

I have a Windows Live Space thing and I write down a blog thing on it. One day Months ago (whilst drunk) I wrote about the thing that was annoying me that day and it happened to be the fact that DSD has a sister she doesn't know about. Then forgot I wrote it. DSD doesn't read the blog she is only 12 and more interested in other sites.
Unknown to me she has given out my email address and her friends have found the site and read the entry. They told her about it. DSD's BM phoned up understandably very annoyed. DP has also got very annoyed with me and stopped speaking to me. Not even civilly. It is as if I don't exsist. (Don't blame him actually) He told me to not speak to him or DSD and stay well away from BM as she is on the war path.
I've apologised but the damage is done. I don't know what to do now. DSD needed to find out about her sister as DP is spending more time with her but it needed to come from DP and her BM not her friends.
The back ground history is DP and BM had split up for a few months and DP left BM and DSD (Who was about 3). He met someone else and she fell pregnant but before DP found out he sorted things out with BM and moved back. When DP found out he was already with BM. BM wasn't happy and wanted the whole thing forgotten about. DP pays child support and recently started seeing the girl who is now about 8. The girl knows about DSD and our DD and has said she would like to meet them both so the issue would have to be raised soon but not like this.
I feel sick and the room keeps spinning I love DSD like my own and really hate the way things have happened. I don't know whether DP and BM have admitted that the girl is her sister or denied it as they keep doing (BM isn't convinced the girl is DP's so won't accept her)
Help me I don't know what to do.

[LucyJones]

Don't think there is muvch you can do tbh except apologise again and again. And don't blog when you're drunk obviously

[expatinscotland]

Wait a second, you have a child w/your DP and b/c he's in the huff w/you he ceased contact w/his own child?!

He has THREE children and a sketchy history w/all of them?

Yes, you made a mistake.

Yes, you admitted it and apologised.

But this bloke who has been going around fathering children he sees sometimes can't get over it enough for one of his children?

He treats the mother of his child, and presumably his kid, as if they don't exist b/c HIS lies were exposed?

Sorry, sounds like you might be better off w/him at all.

[snowytyphoonsmum]

I'm never blogging again. EVER

[expatinscotland]

Make another resolution to stop going out w/men who can't be truthful to their own children.

[snowytyphoonsmum]

He was with DSD mum for 14 years. He has been with me for 6 years. The other girl was only a few months.He sees his DD1 every weekend. He lives with me and DD3 and sees DD2 weekly but getting better. He is annoyed that DSD found out via her friends because of me.

[maycontainstress]

My first instinct is that your DSD should know if she has a sibling. I have a half sister that was kept from me for 19 years, a result of my father's first marriage. My mother eventually told me as she thought I had a right to know.

I am planning to go and meet her for the first time ever this year. We have missed out on growing up completely, without each other.

I feel a bit cheated about it to be honest. What reason could my father possibly have in keeping it from me? We share the same father, we are sisters, we should have been allowed to interact as such.

It will blow over. They know how much you love your DSD. They probably feel angry because they realise they were going to have to tell your DSD anyway and they've left it too late. Maybe it wasn't your place to tell but it all comes out in the end. Like you say, the sibling has said she wants to meet your DSD. Don't worry, remain calm.

[snowytyphoonsmum]

I've told him he needed to tell DSD about the girl for years but he never has. Now I have forced them into it.

[isolde76]

I think it's good that this has happened. It was very wrong of your DP to not let his children know about each other. It sounds like the only reason he is angry is because he knows he is in the wrong. Perhaps there is also an element of pandering to the ex, because from the sounds of it he feels quite guilty about the whole situation so is in a sense trying to keep the equilibrium with the ex.

It had to get out in the open though. How horrendous for the girls not to know their siblings. My ex got a girl pregnant at 16 so there is a daughter out there somewhere the same age as his girlfriend/mistress (I kid you not), and I would love to find out where she may be knowing that there is a sister for my two DC but I know full well that I never will most likely. Don't be too hard on yourself - it will blow over.

[wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe]

You made a mistake in putting it on a blog, that is one of the drawbacks of the internet ? whatever you write on there is essentially available for anyone to read. But it was your dp who withheld the information from your dsd, and in reality it is his fault that she found out from her friends because if he?d been honest with her in the first place none of this would have happened.

It?s not as if his dd was conceived and then forgotten, he has regular contact with her and she knows about her half sister yet the half sister doesn?t know about her, I think your dsd has every right to be upset, and as it?s your blog that the info came from it?s natural that it?s you she?s upset with.

IMO your dp is probably annoyed with you because he knows that by not telling her she?s found out in the worst way imaginable, and that once her anger towards you blows over she will very likely be resentful towards him for not telling her in the first place.

Now that it is all in the open, you can all look to making things right, and hopefully incorporating his dd2 into your lives as well perhaps.

All you can do is be there for your dsd, apologise to her that she found out in the way she did, but IMO you don?t owe your dp an apology because it?s because of his dishonesty this mess ever happened, after all if all this secrecy wasn?t going on you surely wouldn?t have had the need to write about it in your blog in the first place.

[typhoonsmum]

Thanks everyone. I still feeling awful but I know they should have told her 8 years ago. I shouldn't have written it on the internet but I thought that only people on my contact list could read it. I was wrong. Although DSD is on my contact list she doesn't read any of it. She prefers other sites.
I don't know what they have told her about it all so I can't apologise properly in case I land myself in it again. i wouldn't be surprised if they denied it again.

[Listmaker]

I agree with wannabe. It's awful that it came out this way but secrets are never good and lying to kids is always a recipe for disaster in my book. Things should have all be out in the open years ago - when he split from exw or something? The bm and your dh are all thinking about themselves here and not the best interests of all 3 dds.

Apologise like mad but then let them deal with their own mess. I agree that it's good that this came out.

[Pages]

Out of interest, what were you annoyed about when you wrote it? Were you upset on your DSD's behalf? I think your DP and DSD are incredibly lucky to have you care so much and be so involved in your DSD's life -even though she is not your child you love her like your own. How lucky is she! My SD hated me and made my life a misery.

As for what you did you are human. It is ok to make mistakes, that is what we humans do. You have accepted reponsibility and apologised. Your DP, on the other hand, hasn't accepted responsibility for any of his part in what led up to it and I agree with the others that he has behaved in a far from perfect manner.

[Tallie11]

I feel sad for you, you didn't mean for this to happen..... it will all blow over eventually.
I don't think the blame should be placed entirely on you, just because DP has put of telling his daughter about her sister.
Hope it all works out.

Tallie xx

[typhoonsmum]

I was annoyed because I had just got off the phone to my SIL who is friends with DD2 mum. She was telling me all the stuff I already know about DP telling DD1 but not listening when I told her it isn't my place to say anything. I had to wait until Dp and BM told DSD b4 I could do anything. We were going round and round in circles and she wasn't listening.

[Pages]

So really you were having a difficult time keeping the secret, DP was putting you in quite an upsetting position. You were involved whether DP liked it or not.

I think it is very hard to be asked to keep secrets which you know are affecting your nearest and dearest, and maybe when it has all blown over everyone will realise that it was best that it came out into the open. I hate having to keep up a lie/pretence - it puts you out of touch with reality and you are forever watching what you say and to whom. Takes a lot of energy.

[Blu]

I would write a letter of unreserved apology to your DP, the BM and DSD, (one letter to them as a family group) telling them that you are sorry, you understand that you did something that you had no right to do and you understand that it has been terrible for DSD to fin out like this, bloowing her family secrets to freinds.
Tell them that you love DP and DSD.

I absolutely agree with many of the ppoints about she needed to know, and that your DP is probably angry and embarrassed because he knows he should have told her....but this isn't the moment to say anything about ;it's fro the best in the end' or point the finger elsewhere - that will only make them defensive and more angry. Just put it in writing, a heartfelt, unreserved apology. I am sure you have said all thi, but seeing it written in your handwriting will give them a sense that your regret is permanent and deepfelt.
Poor you - a horrible thing to happen.

[suzycreamcheese]

like already said, a blunder on your part, but hey, much much bigger on his and fool for him and bm thinking this was good route to go and 'secrets' have way of outing themselves
shame for dsd to find out like this but it may have a good effect in long run - hope so x

[typhoonsmum]

Spoke to DP and he has calmed down. He agrees that at least it is all out now and I have actually saved him a job.
DSD may call down this evening to talk it thro. That will be a horrible evening. DSD and DP aren't the issue to me now. I know I can talk to them and they will calm down and understand. It is BM. She is liable to fly off the handle for stupid things. She will always stand up for her daughter when it means she gets to shout and bawl at someone. Namely me.

[ginnedupmummy]

Message withdrawn

[lazyemma]

I don't necessarily think your step-daughter has a right to know she has a half sister. I have a half sister that I'm not supposed to know about, that my mother had when she was 16 and put up for adoption before she met my dad. If it hadn't been for my dad's drunken tittle-tattling, I wouldn't know now. I feel bad that I do know. I don't think kids have an automatic right to know these things and I absolutely respect my mum's decision not to have told me. I don't know if she ever will speak to me about it, but I'll live.

[shimmy21]

Don't be too hard on yourself. Secrets are better out than in.
Dh and I deliberately told a big family secret once. We told the father of dh's sister's baby that he was a father. He had no idea that dsil had even been pg before that and dsil was basically too afraid /embarrassed to tell him. Dh and I discussed it long and hard before deciding to do it and we were prepared for the flack when it was done. It was a bloody hard phone call to make and dh told sil expecting to be thrown out. Instead she hugged him because she was so relieved that the secret was finally out.

Granted - your method of spilling the beans was not good at all but the end result will hopefully be better for everyone, dsd, bm and for the secret dd who doesn't have to be kept secret any longer.

Keeping out of bm's way sounds like good advice for a while though