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Relationships

Please help Marriage a mess and I'm close to cracking

14 replies

Peanutbutterandjam · 04/01/2007 11:49

Hi I'm new to mumsnet and in need of some help/and or advice.
I have been married for nearly 6yrs and together 7 and we have 4 children (2 are mine from a previous relasionship).
When I met DH he was the most charming, sensative, kind, loving, helpful man I had ever met, and the 1st couple of years together were great. Gradually though he has turned into a lazy, arogant, patronising, boring pain in the back side, and to be honest during the last 2 years I've lost count of the times I have seriously thought about ending it.
It was when I was pregnant with our twins (who are now 2) that I started to realise just what a lazy git he was and just how much I'd been doing. I'm not talking about house work or cooking, I've always done that and he will get the hover out on occasions and load the dishwasher when he remebers its there. I'm talking about DIY, Gradening, managing the money, doing the shopping, fixing and cleaning the car, Driving, well just about everything really.
Its not that he wont do things or can't he just doesn't. I do ask him but he either forgets, or comes up with some wonderful excuses, why he can't or didnt. An example is when I was 37 wks pregnant with the twins I asked him to mow the lawn, as I knew once they arrived neither of us would have time. I reminded him serval times and got "yes I'll do it" anyway I got so pee'd of asking that I ended up doing it myself ( Nesting kicked in) I was 38+3 with twins and got sprung by a friend who popped in, who went mental at DH. His excuse was he didnt realise I was doing it and thought I was relaxing in the garden Two days later I gave birth.
One of my biggest bug bares is he can't drive. He couldnt when I met him (just out of Uni) and he said he would learn once he got a full time job. Well he has been in his full time well paid job for the last 6 1/2 years and he has done nothing about it. I've asked, nagged and pleaded each time he asks "can we afford it" and promises to sort it out. This means if any of us needs to go out I do all the driving.
Its not just practical things. Dont get me wrong he loves all the kids and if I need to go out he will look after them no questions asked. But other than sitting and watching the Tv or playing on the computer with them he does practically nothing with them. In the last yr he has taken them to the park once. He doesn't even play footie with DS in the garden. He doesn't help the older 2 with homework or reading and his idea of spending time with the twins is taking them into town or watching sponge bob square pants.
I could go on as the list is endless.
I've talked to him, argued with him till I'm blue in the face, and he always promises to change but after a couple of weeks things go back to normal. Last year I broke down, the strain got to much and I asked him to leave. We spent 2 weeks apart and in that time we did alot of talking over the phone and I thougt he realised just what he was throwing away and how much he had hurt me. We got back together moved home but things went pear shaped very quickly.
I ended up with depression which didnt help and on the advice of my councillor I stopped doing all the jobs which I wanted him to take care of (which has been hard as I hate things not being done) has he done them NO, my garden is a mess, my car is off the road and also a mess, and because I'm not keeping a firm check on out accounts I have had to increase our overdraft twice (cos he kept buying crap for his PC) he just hasn't tried at all.He was even supose to arrange for us to go to relate as a couple but he hasn't.
I made a promise to myself and him that I didnt want to be living like this by the time I hit 30, well I turn 30 in 8 weeks and nothing has changed and I doubt it ever will.
Thing is I love him (god knows why) he is kind and affectionate and a good man, He is just very slow, dense and inconsiderate, but I dont think he means to be. His dad was the same and its all he knows. but on that note i dont want my children growing up thinking this is the norm either.
I really dont know what to do anymore. I cant live like this but I dont want to break up the family. I've put my older two through a split up before and I dont want to hurt him either.
Please any advice or help would be great.

OP posts:
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mellowma · 04/01/2007 12:03

Message withdrawn

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Bugsy2 · 04/01/2007 12:04

Stop talking & start doing. If you turn into their nagging mother, they just switch off.
If he won't do stuff, then arrange for outside people to come in & do it. So you could say to your DH that you realise he doesn't want to do the garden - so you are going to ask some of the neighbours if their husbands would do it for a bit of extra cash. If this doesn't shift his butt, then do it - or get a quote from a gardening company & show it to him.
Being a martyr & doing it yourself is pointless - he'll just let you keep doing it. Why on earth would he change his behaviour. Constant asking isn't going to work either, as he has obviously learnt to tune the requests out.
You have to take action. You could change bank accounts, so that he is not going overdrawn on your houselhold accounts.

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Listmaker · 04/01/2007 12:06

I really don't know what to suggest as you seem to have tried everything. My dp can have similar tendancies and I have to keep an eye on him but he does respond well to the nagging when I get serious or upset about things. I also realise that I am a total control freak and not everyone will do things my way or when I want!

I guess he really isn't going to change much so you are going to have to make the decision to accept him how he is and try and give him small manageable tasks to do with a timescale and hope he starts to improve or just call it a day.

I am sorry for you in this though as he seems a decent bloke and they are hard to find but you need more support.

Hope someone comes along soon with better advice.

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Tortington · 04/01/2007 12:11

if you can kick him out.

lifes too short for this shit.

if he respected you in anyway he would help

he is a lazy arse mother fucker who needs a kick up the arse.

seriously if talking has failed

where you say " love is where we both try to make each other happy blah de blah"

then the only alternative is to say " you lazy mother fucker - get your fucking arse out of this house and NEVER show your face.


I DESERVE BETTER

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throckenholt · 04/01/2007 12:16

print out your original post - give it to him - tell him he needs to get his act together because you can't do it all.

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maycontainstress · 04/01/2007 12:40

I say you force the counselling issue. Make the appointment yourself, organise a babysitter and get yourselves both there. Then you've done all you have. Yes you love him, that's why you're asking for advice.

Its not going to change overnight but give him things he HAS to do (like the gardening). Just keep on and on and on until he's done it. He'll soon get bored and do it himself. In my experience, lazy gits seem happier when they actually pull their weight a little at home.

It doesn't sound like its going to change very quickly but the third party telling him how it is may help.

Good luck. X

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collision · 04/01/2007 12:46

just for once Custy, speak your mind and dont hold back!!


I do feel for you though Peanut. I would get someone in and pay for it and then show him the bills.

I would also ask him to sort himself out and help out more with the kids.

I dont think it is worth giving up on the marriage though. He sounds OK but a bit dense as you said.

Why dont you book driving lessons for him and make sure he does them on a Saturday morning.

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eefs · 04/01/2007 12:51

you have just described my ex-P. Fabulous life and soul of the party, great fun to be with - until those pesky kids came along and changed our life and had to be minded. I had the same situation with driving - the first time he drove was when he drove me in labour to the hospital to deliver ds2. Even then he drove only because I threatened to ask my father to do it and ex-p does not like to lose face. The same situation with the lawn (he happily watched me climb stepladders at 39 wks doing essential basic house maintenance). and so on and so on.

Well, I put up with it for years in the belief that my children deserved their father around, but I turned into a nagging fustrated shrew. Eventually I saw the light, gave him a number of final chances, kicked him out and have never been happier. I still do everything in the house but it's not a problem as there is no lazy lump in the sitting room watching TV. Best decision I ever made.

You deserve more, and you deserve to be treated as the most important thing in his life - I forgot that over the years and know it to be true now.

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Peanutbutterandjam · 04/01/2007 13:00

Thank you for your quick replies.

Bugsy2
I have pretty much stopped talking now, he knows what needs to be done. I have also delegated work out, I paid my brother (who has a family and house of his own)last summer to come and do my garden and cut the hedges and my stepdad came and replaced my break light etc. I agree that he knows I will do these jobs, which is why I've stopped but it hasn't made any difference. I think having separate bank accounts might be an idea though.

Custardo
You made me smile. I wish I felt strong enough ,cared and loved him less as it would be so much easier

Listmaker
He is a good bloke deep down and after my last relasionship I apreciate that quality in him but I do need more support from him.

throckenholt
I think I'l do that anything has got to be worth a try.

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DetentionGrrrl · 04/01/2007 13:04

you poor thing. you and your kids deserve better, and if kicking him out didn't change him, perhaps it is time to move on.

could you go to CAB for some advice on rights / what to do when splitting ? (unless you can afford solicitor obviously)

i couldn't spend the rest of my life with a man like the one you've just described. can you?

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Listmaker · 04/01/2007 13:05

Does he seem to feel bad about letting you do everything, does he have good intentions all the time or is just oblivious?

Being a nice bloke on its own just isn't enough. If I were you I'd start to feel that if he loved me he wouldn't treat me that way. That's what happened with my ex and I lost all respect for him as I knew I deserved better. I wouldn't see someone I loved struggling on their own.

The trouble is he knows you will sort things in the end or maybe he just doesn't care that much about the garden etc so he can't see why you want it done etc.

Does his mother spoil him? He sounds like a big kid!

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Bugsy2 · 04/01/2007 13:21

Counselling is probably worth a go, but at the end of the day he will only change if he wants to.
I think you have to come to some kind of acceptance that you have married a very lazy person who is not bothered if he lives in chaos. Then you have to make the best of that, so it doesn't drive you mad. If you have a reasonable income, then start paying for stuff to get done. Get some separate bank accounts sorted out & tell him that he will have to make a greater contribution financially as he can't or won't help out practically.
I think you have to take steps to make this work for you - I'm honestly not sure he will change.

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Peanutbutterandjam · 04/01/2007 14:17

Sorry for not replying very fast the twins are ransacking the house whenever I turn my back, roll on next friday when they start playgroup

maycontainstress and collision
I have to admit I was trying to stand my ground with the councelling and driving, that he had to arrange them not me, but its been almost a year since he made the agreement to do so I dont know ??

DetentionGrrrl
I have to admit yesterday was the 1st time I actually started looking into things just incase because I really am at a loss now.

Listmaker
All of the above I think, I know he feels bad, he always makes promises to me and the kids but never keeps them, and is oblivious to what family life entails. His mum does spoil him, and although she knows fine well what he is like and the effects its having on me and the kids she just blames his father and thinks his thyroids are underactive and that he cant help it

Busy2
I think I have have to come to some kind of acceptance about what DH is like. I feel so mentally tired part of me doesn't care anymore, but then the other half of me is fighting inside as this isnt how I want to live and its not how I want the children to live. To be honest I'm a coward. I know I'd be fine on my own, I'm just scared of the effects it will have on my children (especially the older 2) and as much as I resent dh and his lack of actions is killing me inside I dont want to cause him any pain.

Jesus I am a fool to myself I know deep down the only way out of this for me, I just a coward

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madamez · 04/01/2007 16:59

He's not gong to change. Why should he? He's what VIz magazine calls a cock-lodger ie a bloke who moves in with a single mum so he can sit on his arse all day in return for the occasional bunk up. He regards you as a domestic appliance that whines occasionally but can be sorted out with a good servicing every now and again. And if you throw him out, he will move on and find another woman who will put up with anything just to have a man around.

Now, the thing is, if you think that, despite everything, he has sufficient good qualities to be worth keeping (I wouldn't touch him with a sh*tty stick myself), then you have to accept that he's not going to do anything useful and, if the household budget can afford it, pay to have stuff done. But if at all possible, make sure that the payment comes out of his pocket ie he loses out on some sort of treat or indulgence every now and again.
The choice is yours - you haven't got another adult in the house to help, you've got an extra child to feed and maintain. If you;re not happy to cope with that, kick him out.
Best of luck.

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