Hi I'm new to mumsnet and in need of some help/and or advice.
I have been married for nearly 6yrs and together 7 and we have 4 children (2 are mine from a previous relasionship).
When I met DH he was the most charming, sensative, kind, loving, helpful man I had ever met, and the 1st couple of years together were great. Gradually though he has turned into a lazy, arogant, patronising, boring pain in the back side, and to be honest during the last 2 years I've lost count of the times I have seriously thought about ending it.
It was when I was pregnant with our twins (who are now 2) that I started to realise just what a lazy git he was and just how much I'd been doing. I'm not talking about house work or cooking, I've always done that and he will get the hover out on occasions and load the dishwasher when he remebers its there. I'm talking about DIY, Gradening, managing the money, doing the shopping, fixing and cleaning the car, Driving, well just about everything really.
Its not that he wont do things or can't he just doesn't. I do ask him but he either forgets, or comes up with some wonderful excuses, why he can't or didnt. An example is when I was 37 wks pregnant with the twins I asked him to mow the lawn, as I knew once they arrived neither of us would have time. I reminded him serval times and got "yes I'll do it" anyway I got so pee'd of asking that I ended up doing it myself ( Nesting kicked in) I was 38+3 with twins and got sprung by a friend who popped in, who went mental at DH. His excuse was he didnt realise I was doing it and thought I was relaxing in the garden Two days later I gave birth.
One of my biggest bug bares is he can't drive. He couldnt when I met him (just out of Uni) and he said he would learn once he got a full time job. Well he has been in his full time well paid job for the last 6 1/2 years and he has done nothing about it. I've asked, nagged and pleaded each time he asks "can we afford it" and promises to sort it out. This means if any of us needs to go out I do all the driving.
Its not just practical things. Dont get me wrong he loves all the kids and if I need to go out he will look after them no questions asked. But other than sitting and watching the Tv or playing on the computer with them he does practically nothing with them. In the last yr he has taken them to the park once. He doesn't even play footie with DS in the garden. He doesn't help the older 2 with homework or reading and his idea of spending time with the twins is taking them into town or watching sponge bob square pants.
I could go on as the list is endless.
I've talked to him, argued with him till I'm blue in the face, and he always promises to change but after a couple of weeks things go back to normal. Last year I broke down, the strain got to much and I asked him to leave. We spent 2 weeks apart and in that time we did alot of talking over the phone and I thougt he realised just what he was throwing away and how much he had hurt me. We got back together moved home but things went pear shaped very quickly.
I ended up with depression which didnt help and on the advice of my councillor I stopped doing all the jobs which I wanted him to take care of (which has been hard as I hate things not being done) has he done them NO, my garden is a mess, my car is off the road and also a mess, and because I'm not keeping a firm check on out accounts I have had to increase our overdraft twice (cos he kept buying crap for his PC) he just hasn't tried at all.He was even supose to arrange for us to go to relate as a couple but he hasn't.
I made a promise to myself and him that I didnt want to be living like this by the time I hit 30, well I turn 30 in 8 weeks and nothing has changed and I doubt it ever will.
Thing is I love him (god knows why) he is kind and affectionate and a good man, He is just very slow, dense and inconsiderate, but I dont think he means to be. His dad was the same and its all he knows. but on that note i dont want my children growing up thinking this is the norm either.
I really dont know what to do anymore. I cant live like this but I dont want to break up the family. I've put my older two through a split up before and I dont want to hurt him either.
Please any advice or help would be great.
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Please help Marriage a mess and I'm close to cracking
14 replies
Peanutbutterandjam · 04/01/2007 11:49
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