For those of you who have fallen accidentally or accidentally on purpose pregnant, what effect has it had on your relationship?

[DarrellRivers]

i am interested in your stories, postitive and negative.
for those of you whose DPs have wanted a certain number of children, and then through whatever circumstances, more children than expected arrive.
We have 2 lovely children and i would love a 3rd. DP feels we can only afford 2. I respect his decision on this but we are due another chat re this in a few months, and I would love to hear some stories about expectations being altered by real life circumstances , and I suppose stories from both good and bad sides of the coin would be helpful in discussing this decision with 2 v different viewpoints.
Thanks in advance

[Judy1234]

We agreed before we married I could have at least 7 children and he reneged. I got it in writing. I don't know whether the twins (nos 4 nd 5) were accidental or not really as he was using condoms so I don't see how I could be blamed for them. We're divorced.

[DarrellRivers]

So for you, negative point was him reneging on deal, and 4 and 5 were 'not planned ' in his eyes.
What was his attitude like when you did get pregnant with the twins?

[loler]

I'm nearly 6 weeks pg with a sort of accident (ds hid the condoms so calculated risk). DH said no more, that 2 was enough - I was worried about telling him but he is now very excited and glad we've done it.

Told a friend last night and her DH who was also a no more has started saying what if!

Ask me again in 9 months though!

[NDPWillSpendLessTimeHereIn2007]

You got it in writing ?!

Xenia, the more I read, the more of an enigma you become

[tinselbehindthefire]

We both agreed 2 was enough and then I accidentally fell pregnant with no 3. Although we wouldnt swap him for the world and love him dearly, it has put a strain on our relationship. I am hoping this will ease as baby no 3 gets older.

[lazyemma]

I don't blame your ex for reneging on a promise to have 7 children, Xenia. Perhaps after sprogs 1, 2, and 3 he realised how much work children are, and was (understandably) worried about the financial, emotional and physical strains another 4 would place on both of you.

[DarrellRivers]

Loler congratulations, although i would argue with your DP taking calculated risk, he was prepared for the accident and he was taking some responsibility for the pregnancy so he was happy with the outcome.

[TheArmadillo]

I accidentally got pregnant with ds (our only child). We had been together 4 1/2 years but were only 21 and immature/irresponsible.

The first year was hard - very hard. I went to live with my mum as I needed the support (that I knew I probably wouldn't get). Plus it wasn't just us in our house which made it more complicated.

Dp lost his job when ds was a couple of months old and didn't find another one for 9 months. We had no money, and dp got very depressed.

Now ds is 2 and our relationship is better than ever. When he was nearly a yr old I moved back with dp, who had just got a job- with a reliable company.

HOwever without both our families supporting and helping us, I doubt our relationship would have survived. We needed a lot of support and luckily we had it aroudn us (and still do)

[WideWebWitch]

I don't think it is ever a good idea to accidentally on purpose get pregnant. Accidents happen, yes, but I think accidentally on purpose is bad news imo

[QuootiepieTheHogmanayAss]

7 Xenia? To be honest, I wouldn't have married DH if he said I could only have one or two. Im going to keep going until my body says otherwise

[LadyTophamHatt]

We really only planned to have 2 but once we'd got that far the broodiness I felt was all consuming.
Really...it was all I ever thought about. I was desparate for a 3rd.

After 15 months of pleading, nagging, begging and pleading some more DH agreed and I was PG again within 3 days of him changing his mind!

Ds3 is a absolute joy. I constantly thank my lucky stars that we've got because I never thought I'd change DH's mind.

After he was born I realised I would always feel broody but I promised myslef and Dh that I wouldn't ask, plead, beg, again as I was so thankful that he changed his mind in the first place. I couldn't and wouldn't put either of us through it(the begging etc) again.

Someone had other ideas on whether our family was finished and I'm about produce No4 any day. The shock I felt/feel at being PG again is documented all over MN. I never thought it would happen again. It sounds ridiculous but I was even looking forward to becoming a grandparent because I really didn't expect ever to be PG again.
I was dreading telling DH when I found out, but he laughed and after a few happy "fu*king hell....4 kids" comments he said it would be great to have a girl this time.
TBH I think DH has taken the whole thing better than me. It has really messed my head up being PG again, DH (obviously, being a man) hasn't been that effected by it too much yet....in a week or so I think(or at least I hope) I'll be the one taking it all in my stride (I love the newborn stage) whereas DH will be the freaked out one.


God....sorry to go on

[DarrellRivers]

That is a wonderful story LadyTophamHatt.

I think I am so consumed with broodiness and this desire to have a 3rd child, that I worry that is may just lie inside me and become bitter and twisted over the years, but on the other hand, i know that it would be a betrayal of our relationship to fall pregnant accidentally on purpose and so I know deep down it is not an option, so therefore I must persuade DH that it is the next step forwards we must take together.
How did you persuade him re no 3, any tips?
and i love the story of you falling pregnant with no4, so you can never tell what is going to happen

[LadyTophamHatt]

I had treid for so long to change his mind for No3 that I had a positive arguemnet for every negative but honestly nothing was working. I really didn't know/expect/think I'd chneg his mind because he was just so sure 2 was enough.

We were driving to dorset on boxing day to visit his mums and I started talking baout again. i can't remeber what I was saying, propbabaly something I;d said 100 times before. Anyway there was atiny few second pause in the conversation and he said "what are you thinking about Em?"

I just replied "you know what I'm thinking abaout...it's what I always thinking about" I honestly had no idea I was going to cry but saying that made tears well up in my eyes. I didn't know they were coming but it really was all I ever thought about.

He told me it was that sentance that changed his mind. He said seeing those tears in my eyss had made him realise more than anything I had said over the months how important it was to me to have another baby.

I was pregnant by 29th december!

Do you know? I moan about him so much on here but i love him with every bit of my heart and I'm sooooo unbelievebaly thankful to him for changing his mind to make me happy.
He's an absolutley FAB dad and pretty damn good husband too

[DarrellRivers]

Well , you've just brought tears to my eyes.
Thanks for your words, I've just sent him an email(!), he's just gone back to Germany for the week, but I've written it all down and countered all the negative arguments with positive ones , and explained how hard I find trying to explain this desire in spoken word and how much I would love a 3rd.
Who knows what will happen, I suspect not much immediately but who knows with slow and steady pressure.
I must also work out ways to deal with it if it all come to nought.

[SenoraPartridge]

like www says, I think "accidentally on purpose" is a bad idea and in most relationships the truth will out eventually I think.

[IntergalacticWalrus]

DP didn't want children when we met. He had a shitty childhood, and I think he was worried about his children going through the smae thing.

We had been together 9 months, and DS1 was conceived. He was a bit shocked (as we both were) but once he came round, he was really excited, and is a brilliant dad. We have had another acciodent since (DS2, bless ghim) and DP was slightly more shocked, but soon came round. (after telling me to have an abortion I think that was a definite heat of the moment thing though. DS1 has just turned 1, and we had had a terrible year emotionally, and financially.) He said to me a few weeks ago that having our boys was the best thing he's ever done.

As for our relationship, yes it's put pressure on us, as it does everyone. It has brought us closer together. We had only been togther a short time when I got pg, but we had a good relationship to start with. If I had got pg with any of my previous fuckwit bfs, it would have been a different matter.

It's never good to get pg "accidentally on purpose" though.

[Judy1234]

Yes, I wanted a large family from when I was about 14 so he signed a piece of paper about it before we married. He added to that that we could always have as much sex as he wanted in return.... I still have it.

On the cost I pay for them so he can hardly complain about that. As for the twins he said they'd ruined his life and wished he was dead. He tried to kill himself. None of it was much fun but I expect he would have had similar to my mind mental problems whether they had been born or not and they're delightful and in my view his fault as he was the one using contraception.

[DarrellRivers]

Well on a flippant note, i know I am not a good enough lier to ever get away with accidentally on purpose, so it really is not an option.
I suspect that if you end up going for the accidentally on purpose option it doesn't really say much for the state of your relationship.

[nothercules]

Xenia, I am aghast that someone would have an agreement where one had to have sex whenever the other wanted in exchange for having 7 children. Words fail.......

[DarrellRivers]

marriage is about compromise!

[LadyTophamHatt]

it's so hard isn't it?

It consumed every single waking thought. I;d imagine myself walking to the shops with 3, going to the park with 3, visiting firends with 3.. I just condn't imagaine my life as a mum of 2...it had to be 3.
I'm sure all my friends were sick to death of hearing about it. I'd occaisionally think I was getting somewhere with changing his mind and I'd jokingly ask (being to scared to ask directly) and he's be totally amazed that I thought I was changing his mind.
I was soooooo desparate that I'd twist the smallest little thing around in a conversation into a "yes lets have sex now and make another baby"
It was madness.

I hope you get your wish, its' the best thing to ever happen to me

[giddy1]

Message deleted

[KentuckyFreudChicken]

I've recently had our 3rd baby who was unplanned and a total accident. I was on the mini-pill. Was a bit nervous telling DH as our 2nd was only just 12 mths and DH was adament 2 was it (although he did say enough for now....). I had a feeling we'd have another but it wasn't the huge broody burning desire I felt after having my first.

My DH is pretty easy going though so he just laughed and got on with things. Our baby is a delight and although unplanned was still very much wanted by us both.

[Judy1234]

Well he shouldn't have agreed to it then, should he?
Also having more and not having more and both choices and issues. It isn't that you shouldn't have another unless the other person agrees. The marriage vows promises before God which most of us say and presumably mean say marriage is there for the procreation of children,. Most people don't add "but only two" do they? So the default position should be to have them and someone stopping you particularly if you're the one bearing them, breastfeeding them, sorting out their child care and paying for them for 22 years and you're paying for him to have cleaners and nannies and most of the mortgage, is not in a very strong moral position in my view and if he'd wanted to stop at 3 he should have had the snip or something.

[DarrellRivers]

I suspect if i used that argument, DH would rush out to get the snip