This can't be right...

[allwornout]

I am a regular but have changed my name as this is quite personal.
2 weeks after our second baby was born my DH came into the room saying something had happened and an ?opportunity? had arisen which should be considered while I was off work for the next few months. He then proceeded to tell me that he had come across an adult chat website a few months ago and had got into conversations with a female with a view to a threesome.
I was gobsmacked ? we had a new baby. He had joined this website under the guise of it being his wife ie me looking for a threesome. When I said there was no way I would do this and expressed my disbelief that he gone this far he said it was because years ago I had led him to believe that I may be up for this sort of thing. He is referring to fantasy talk we may have had during our own sex. For me any talk like that ( it was like over 10 years ago) was pure fantasy to spice up our sex life never an intention to go through with. I think those situations are very dangerous for relationships. We had a heated row after which I felt like if I didn?t go along with it I would be neglecting to nurture our sex life and to take it beyond the ordinary. The subject was dropped for a while but resurfaced several times over the past few months with questions like ? Are you ready for your affair?? If I just said no we would have to have a long discussion/argurment about why I should.
Admittedly the months previous to the baby being born were fairly quiet on the sex front (not completely absent but I felt sick pretty much the whole of the time and frankly just not up for it), but after this discussion I made more effort to the point now where I feel if I am not up for it (and proactive in making it more interesting like dressing sexy etc) pretty much every day I get a huffy hubby.
Anyway the long and the short of it is I feel pissed off to be under that kind of pressure and wonder whether I am justified to be pissed off about it.
I could go on with a lot of background but that might bore anyone who may have read so far and might feel like commenting. I?m happy to fill in details as asked.

[rickman]

Message withdrawn

[suzywong]

Get him a jumbo box of Kleenex and and firm lock for his computer room door

Blimming cheek

[HeavenisInherwinterunderwear]

JUst because 10 years ago you might have talked about a three some, it doesn't mean you still want the same thing now.
You need to tell him how you feel and you would rather do other things,like dressing in sexy clothing. Tell him you have no intention of being ready for your affair.
If he doesn't like it, then I would say your relationship has more problems than if you have a three some.

[NotQuiteCockney]

He sounds like a jerk. Couples often talk about things in a "fantasy" way without any intention of ever doing them. To think he tried to sort out a threesome, without your involvement, two weeks after you'd had a baby ... and felt it was worth doing while you were off work!

The huffiness sounds tiresome. Can he not amuse himself if you're not up for it? You shouldn't feel obliged to have sex any more often than you want to.

[foxinsocks]

dear oh dear

ask him whether he fancies a threesome with another bloke and see what he says

what is it with men and lesbian fantasies? Seems like you are really making an effort for him.

[Carmenere]

It is not very loving behaviour really is it, emotionally blackmailing you into regular sex.

[sandyballs]

Jeez, this would be horrible to hear from your DH at any time, but 2 weeks after the birth of your baby . I'm shocked at how insensitive he sounds.

[Rhubarb]

What a twat!
I can't believe you could even be doubting yourself over this! Tell him in no uncertain terms that you are not going to go along with this and if he doesn't shut the fuck up about it you'll chop off his willy and shove it down his throat!

Can you not see how insensitive and wankerish he is being? Did you honestly think he had a point at all?

[allwornout]

What a relief. I was beginning to feel maybe it was me who was being boring. Heaven, to be fair I did say to him there was no way and he said he wouldn't pursue it any more as he wasn't going to force me into doing anything I didn't want to. But he has this line of argument that makes me feel guilty or abnormal. He often relies on the argument that because 1. I didn't have a father around I didn't see a marital relationship as role model and 2. Because I was sexually abused as a young girl by a neighbour I am now sexually repressed. Possibly, but I don't think that has as much to do with it as he thinks. I just think I plainly don't necessarily fancy sex as often and as much as he.
Anyway what's more is he said he'd left the sight a couple of months ago when I'd said I wasn't interested but one night when he fell asleep in front of the computer I saw a message from the site confirming his deregistration only a week or so ago. Also it really pisses me off that he pretended to be me in the profile he wrote to meet people and he showed some people (once they got chatting)nude pictures of me (no head shots thank god. These were pictures I thought were just for us certainly not for the internet.

[HuwEdwards]

of course you are justified. tbh, if my dp acted like this I really would be wondering if we had a future.

[HuwEdwards]

showed nude pictures of you??? WTF?

I would be abso-fucking-lutely furious

[allwornout]

Foxinsocks, I did. I said why didn't he think a foursome with another couple was more fair and he said he wasn't sure if he could handle me with another bloke.
It is men isn't it?

[NotQuiteCockney]

You don't sound sexually repressed, you sound like you're quite open-minded and inclined to indulge him in what he wants! I don't think most women go for threesomes!

I do worry that the fact of your sexual abuse makes you more likely to give in to what your DH demands of you, whether you want to or not.

[NotQuiteCockney]

Wait, and he grew up watching his parents go of and have threesomes, he's saying?

I'm getting more and more at your DH tbh.

[Blu]

he thought you should use your maternity leave as the perfect opportunity to get involved in a threesome from an internet chat site?

I think I have heard everything now!

[Carmenere]

A normal marital relationship usually doesn't involve shagging strangers or posting nude pics of your wife to strangers either.
Just because a neighbour abused you as a child is no reason why you should do anything you are uncomfortable with
He sounds really unkind and not a very nice person, sorry if that offends you.

[NotQuiteCockney]

Blu, you noticed, too?

I think a more normal "opportunity" for marital leave is something like learning a new skill, eating lots of cake, or redecorating a room. Not a threesome!

[NotQuiteCockney]

Hmmm. I said marital leave, when I meant maternity.

I think you may need some marital leave though ...

[Sugarfree]

He put nude pictures on the web without your knowledge or permission?On top the other stuff which is pretty unreasonable imo.
Seriously,his bags would be on the other side of a locked front door by tonight.
I would be incandescent with rage frankly.

[HuwEdwards]

allwornout no, that is where you are so very wrong. It is not men per se.

it is your man

[NotQuiteCockney]

(I feel obliged to insert, in my role as Sex Doctor, that there is nothing wrong with threesomes, as long as everyone is sensible and careful, and as long as everyone involved wants to do it!)

[NotQuiteCockney]

Yes, definately not men, just yours.

[allwornout]

NQC the huffiness is tiresome and it's not just about this. Sometimes I feel I can't do right in anything. I'm by no means perfect but I'm sure I'm not that bad. He says he loves me.
Huw, we already split up once for 6 months about 31/2 years ago after the birth of our first baby. We went to Relate and got back together but the issues never seem to go away properly.

[Rhubarb]

So, because you were sexually abused he thinks he can exploit that line now to show how "repressed" you are?

I'm sorry, really sorry but I think your dh is a complete and utter prick who has no thoughts at all for what you want, he just wants his own depraved way.

He uses your history to emotionally abuse you into thinking you are repressed.
He pretends to be you on adult sex sites.
He posts nude pictures of you without your permission on these sites.
He targets you when you are most vulnerable, i.e 2 weeks after the birth of your baby.

He is a user. I would walk.

[fireflyxmasfairylights2]

He sounds like a man I would like to slap the goddamn face of, tbh. I cannot see what sexual abuse in your childhood has to do with anything.. he sounds like a bully to me!!