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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

ifidelity

125 replies

moloko · 02/10/2006 09:11

My husband told me last night he had sex with another women when he was away. My baby is 16 month old i'm devastated what to do?

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expatinscotland · 02/10/2006 09:13

Was it a one-night stand?

did he tell you why?

I think he owes you at least that much.

moloko · 02/10/2006 09:15

he did and he desperatly sorry he was drunk and in strip club and then he took her to the room

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expatinscotland · 02/10/2006 09:16

I hate to ask you this, but did he use a condom?

Has he done this before?

Hey, he duffed up, there's nothing wrong w/telling him you need some space and time to mull htings over.

mumatuks · 02/10/2006 09:16

Do you want to forgive him?

Will you ever trust him again?

moloko · 02/10/2006 09:20

That is my point can i trust him again. Never thought it will happen to me

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desperate2bmum · 02/10/2006 10:01

if this was in a strip club....did he pay for it?!

sorry to ask. sorry this has happened

adozenroses · 02/10/2006 10:03

I'm so sorry. How awful for you. Haven't really got any advice, but just wanted to offer support.

mosschops30 · 02/10/2006 10:04

sorry to put a spanner in the works but girls who work in strip clubs/lap dancing clubs, dont generally go home with the men there, they dance, they strip, get paid and go home. This does seem a bit unlikely although there are exceptions to the rule I suppose

moloko · 02/10/2006 10:36

in was in eastern europe and she was a prostitute. What can you do if you had all the trust in man and love him to bits? Do you forgive him? Can you trust again? Or just walk away and make it even worse for you and our baby. If not for my child i would't talk to him just walk away.

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mosschops30 · 02/10/2006 10:39

I dont think anyone should stay together 'for the children'.
Drunk is not an excuse, I dont care how drunk anyone gets you always know the difference between right and wrong, and sleeping with a prostitute is very wrong.

I hope you sort things out one way or another, but if it was me, I couldnt forgive or forget

desperate2bmum · 02/10/2006 10:43

if you choose to stay with him get him straight down the std clinic for a check up. do not put your health at risk for anyone. good luck.

maturer · 02/10/2006 10:51

I am so sorry to hear you are suffering this awful trauma...for that's what it is.It's not just a one night stand it's the ripples that go out in your relationship, your dh in doing this has totally "moved the goalposts" on how you feel about him and your peace of mind and you are probably thinking "how could he, not my dh , why? what have I done etc how could I get him so wrong?"

I know how you feel as my dh nearly 3 years ago now had an affair with a work colleague which went on a few months. Our situations are different in that this is a one night act of stupidity- my dh had afew months when he "lost the plot" and almost lost everything he holds dear.They are the same however in the devistation you feel and the issue of tust.

We are still together and stronger now...all I can say is firts, you do not have to forgive him- some things are unforgivable- but you do have to find a way to make peace with this-or it will eat away at you and your relationship. The only way to try to do that is good honest no feelings spared talking with him and he has to do the same in return. He must tell you everything!!!!

I think it's very important to check your health aspect- if he didn't wear a condom you need honey to get checked out and so does he.

Next I ask why did he tell you? It certainly wasn't to make you feel better- it was to off load his guilt and make him feel better. He has demomstrated complete selfishness in his actions in doing this and in how he's told you.You need to make him realise that he has risked everything and this cannot be forgotten overnight. it is now his job to work hard on putting things right and appreciating you and his family...the trust will only begin to come back if he goes out of his way to reassure you and keep you informed of all his movements.

On the other hand do try to put this in context- if you can belive what he's saying and it was 1 stupid night- weigh this up against what you've ha d with him to date. We do all make mistakes in life you can recover from this IF YOU WANT TO- you are in control- he's risked everything. It's not so much the sex issue- though that is bad enough- the real problem now is his selfishness and the trust and you now feeling you don't know this man whom you thought you knew so well.He has to put that right....All I can advise is to talk talk talk and set aside time for each other every week , make sure you date each other and this cannot be a taboo subject. He will want to forget about it- he will probably accuse you of not moving on when you raise it again and again but it's likewhen you've been say in a horrific accident- the trauma of it makes you replay over and over what happened until you can make sense of it- then only then does it stop being traumatic and you can move on. It takes time believe me but it can be done. Please do not give up...if you think you have a relationship worth fighting for then do that...it hurts but it can bring you closer. take care.

moloko · 02/10/2006 10:51

You can't forgive even if you still love him?

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maturer · 02/10/2006 11:01

I love him so much and I know he loves me but I think what he did was unforgivable. He understands that for me forviveness means saying it's ok and I can't do that yet. However in my actions in standing by him and working at this I am accepting he made a huge mistake and that I can learn to live with this mistake.
Perhaps it depends on your interpretation of frogiveness but what I wanted to say (an I learned through conselling) is that you do not HAVE TO forgive, you can move on and make things better than before and start to get peace of mind again depite the forgiveness issue.

moloko · 02/10/2006 11:29

Thank you maturer it very comforting to know that sombody else had experience and give the advice. Because the first thing you want to do is to cut him from your life but there is so much to relationship then 1 mistake and there is such a history so much love!!! I think you so right i can't forgive him all i want at the moment is to talk to somebody not ready to talk to him at the moment. I don't want anybody to know friends and family can be soo judgemental. Do you think more man do things like that but they choose not to tell?

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maturer · 02/10/2006 11:56

moloko I found that there was lots of pressure (from society etc) to "kick him out" "don't let him treat you like that" etc etc that people take a very black and white view until they are in the situation living with the person involved, loving them and truely knowing them...then you learn life is grey and in many respevts the hardest thing to do is not to push him away but to try to get closer and to face the "demonds" straight on and not hide or duck the issues.this option causes pain but I feel in the long run is the healthiest approach if you want to move on. marriage is not always easy- I think we all fall into the trap of taking things for granted ( and to a certain extent you have to) but we are all human and I have learned form my experience that I believe men (huge generalisation coming here) are weaker than women, more selfish and much more able to put their life in different boxes with lids on than most women can. so yes I do think more men do this.

It wasn't until my dh had an affair that I started really to take notice but LOTS of people experience something alomg these lines at some time in their relationship. How they handle it thereafter I think determind how destructive this is to their relationship. I found at the time I found out I couldn't belive it, I wasin shock but I also knew deep down this wasn't what my dh wanted- we hadn't been unhappy infact we'd had very little trouble in our relationship and we'd been together 20years! So I decided to fight for it- as painful as it was to wait for him to see sense, he did eventaually and then my anger cme out and even now there are times the pain, anger and saddness haunts me but we have moved on.
All i can say is try to get closer try to make sense of it- he must do that too- the fact that he's tols you probably indicates he can't live with the guilt and he too can't make sense of what he did.Please talk to each other. Fight for all the goodness and the love you obviously still have in your relationship.

moloko · 02/10/2006 12:11

thank you.

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DublinMummy · 02/10/2006 12:37

You poor thing.

Your love for him is not going to evaporate overnight no matter what he confesses to. If he is prepared to commit to you and to proving his love for you, ultimately it can be ok for you. I know what you mean about not wanting anyone to know, and while it's obviously good to talk, I think you can keep this private in your "real life" because your morale doesn't need any more of a battering. If you believe he loves you, despite his mistake, you can forgive him and you can learn - perhaps over a long time - to trust him again. Your world will be shaken but it doesn't have to be shattered over this.

Words of comfort seem so pathetic somehow. I wish I could just give you a hug.

maturer · 03/10/2006 21:53

moloko- been thinking about you, just wondered how you are?Take care.

fei · 03/10/2006 22:15

I'm sorry to hear that. Just wanted to say that a friend found out that her husband was cheating on her through an annonymous person. He finally admitted it after she confronted him over and over again. He was very repentent and regretful but one wonders if he would have been if he hadn't been found out. She chose to stay and work things out.
Now their marriage has come out stronger than ever. She will never forget what he has done and will never let him. But they have moved on in many other ways and come out stronger, closer, etc.
I agree with Maturer. Although I haven't got any words of wisdom, I just thought my friend's experience may give you some comfort in knowing that in these sad and angry situations, happy endings do happen and I hope you do not lose all hope.

moloko · 06/10/2006 22:44

we trying to talk through it and it takes time and as maturer says it not about forgivness you can't forgive but you can slowly move forward. He done terribble mistake he realise that he nearly lost everything that matters to him in life me and the baby. We desided that he can't drink without me he will go to therapy he has problems with deppression and we have to spend some time together just me and him. So will see. For me it was never a physical part its the betrayal itself we never had problem talking or sex and we did talked about other peaople infidelity and i"m pretty confident women and we have been madly in love for 6 years thats why it was such blow. Just shows that you can never be sure in anything

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trinity2 · 06/10/2006 23:19

Hi moloko, maturer advice really is worth listening to. My dh had several affair at the begin of our relationship 4 years ago and while I was pregnant and we went from that to having another child and getting married. I was totally devasted but something just told me to stick with it. I have wanted to walk away many times and I still can't let myself trust him, I find myself looking through his phone or wallet, I never find anything, but I just need the reassurance it won't happen again. I found that it made me lose all my confidence as I felt stupid for not seeing what he was doing at the time, and for trusting him, that is what I found the hardest to get over, the way that he made me feel about myself.

I used to think about it all day long and have a cry at least a dozen, now I don't think about it much and our relationship is stronger than ever.

Best wishes for whatever you decied to do

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moloko · 06/10/2006 23:32

The thing is i did start to saying him maybe after the baby my body is not that firm ike it used to be and went to this whole insecurity staff and he immideatly stop me and told me that what happen its not about you its about him. And you know what i don't think they geting younger either.

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janepain · 11/10/2006 10:52

Hi

My husband of 14 years has just recently told me he has had 3 one night stands. trying to put some words down to help you.

The thought process for me went, the obvious choice is to leave him, but did I want not to have him in my world (sorry if that sounds a que for a song) I knew that I wanted him with me and need to work through it. I read lots about it listened a lot. I knew that most people who decide to part(because of this reason) regret it. That the marriage can get stronger and move on ( I hang onto that thought) I looked at this site before and saw words from Maturer so I know it can be done. There are good days and bad. As long as he understands that one day you will be level headed the next 'lost the plot'. You need some guidance, dont tell all friends and family as they try to help but are too involved and the more you tell it seems to not help. I will shut up now gone on too long. All the best. Lots of love lots ot strength. Smile. Thanks to Maturer for putting your thoughts down they helped me.

moloko · 11/10/2006 12:11

Thank you janepain. We talked so much about our feelings and it still raw but i think i cope much better then him. He is very depressed and i just busy with a baby don't have much time to think about it. You wright it will get better i know it. I don't want to lose my family cause of one stupid mistake. As soon as he learned his lesson.

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