What to say to DCs

[Notexactlymarthastewart]

STBXH was an emotionally abusive, controlling bully.

Have bitten my tongue to not paint him in a bad light to our DCs (7 & 11) but they keep asking why we split and he has told them:
Mummy made me feel unwelcome in my own home so I had to leave
and
Mummy blamed me for everything, even bumping into her with the shopping trolley (!!!?!?!?!###??!?!)

They bring it up time and time again, and either accuse me of lying when I try to explain that is not true, or start crying and say they don't know who to believe. "Daddy wouldn't lie to us, he promised."

Suggestions please??

[Iconfuseus]

Sorry to hear you are going through this, that's awful.

Is there someone you can speak to for advice on this? Do you have someone who mediates between you and your DH?

My instinct would be to say something along the lines of. "Mummy and Daddy don't agree about what happened. We both see the situation differently and cannot agree about it. Sometimes that happens and adults can't always agree. However it is nothing to do with you, it isn't your fault and you don't have to worry about it. It's not something for children to worry about. What matters is that we both love you very much, we always will no matter what and you are the most important thing in our lives."

I think it's best if you take the issue off the table. I appreciate that it isn't you who is putting it on the table, but I would try to make them understand that it isn't for them to worry about.

[Notexactlymarthastewart]

Thanks Iconfuseus
I have tried saying similar, but as they are getting older, they want more details and are no longer satisfied with the "not something for you to worry about" answer. We have been separated over 3 years now.

It just keeps resurfacing :-( and in this circumstance I don't think that complete honesty would be the best policy.

[Notexactlymarthastewart]

Sorry, and no. No one mediates between us.

[PacificDogwood]

"Daddy and I don't get on anymore."
"We've fallen out and you know how when people are cross they say bad things about the other party."
"I am sorry that you are upset by what daddy is saying; all this is very hard on you, isn't it?"
"I love you - I will always, always love you"

Don't apportion blame, don't become defensive, don't offer involved explanations.
They might become more upset and angry with you as they grow up , but will hopefully eventually make up their own minds.

I don't support no contact is something you want to consider?

[Notexactlymarthastewart]

NC for DCs? No. Wouldn't consider that.

For me? That would be ideal, but isn't really practical. Contact is limited to kids related issues only already.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think you need to tell them an age-appropriate version of the truth. Particularly the 11yo - not so much the 7yo. Otherwise what they're hearing is that Dad is this great guy & why would you get rid of a great guy? Won't make any sense to them at all and that's why they keep casting around for an explanation.

So you have to make it clear that the relationship broke down, you can't go into details but both of you were very unhappy, and the decision to split up was a grown-up one that they can't influence. Does your 11yo remember arguments happening? If Dad remembers it differently, it's because people's memories of the same event can vary.

[LadyRivers]

Hi, I'm a long time lurker on the relationship boards and am currently going through the same thing with my exP and DDs 8 and 5. They come out with things like "Daddy is very sad and wants to come home" and "Daddy is trying to make you happy". I mean wtf??? I am just saying to them that Mummy and Daddy didn't get on and how we are working together to make the best of the situation for them. That our issues aren't their problem, we both love them and they make us very happy. I don't like how he is trying to get me or pull at my heartstrings through the DDs and all it is doing is reminding me what a tube he is and why we split up in the first place.

It's do hard trying to be the reasonable one when the other parent is being so rotten and causing unnecessary hurt and damage to the two little people you are trying to protect.

[LadyRivers]

*so hard

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

DCs will often be looking for ways to make their parents happy. It's not break-ups that distress children so much as unhappy parents. He may not be deliberately pulling at heartstrings and may not have said those exact words, of course. They could easily see a problem... 'sad Dad' (and he's allowed to be sad) .... and superimpose their own simplistic solution... 'comes home'.... largely because they'd be happy if he was at home.

It's always worth having a chat with the NRP and comparing notes.

[Notexactlymarthastewart]

Sorry, was at work. Thanks for the replies.

I didn't get rid of him, he left me and did me a favour by doing so

DS(7) keeps asking why so that he can fix it so we can get back together (not happening, ever!) and I've tried explaining to him that I'm very happy with new DP and don't want daddy back even if he did fix some of the problems. Yes, both DC love my DP, but he's not their dad at the end of the day.

I am close to explaining a few things to DD(11) as she is old enought to understand but still reluctant to make him look bad as he is still her dad, regardless of how he treated/treats me, and I don't see how I can explain without making him look selfish and worse...

[PacificDogwood]

I understand why you'd not want to go NC - I agree that that would need to be a last resort.

I don't see why you cannot factually tell your DD what happened: "he did not treat me well" is a statement of fact; I'd avoid "he's a bastard, your dad" - not that you would, I am sure.

I'd also discuss with them that this is not something they can fix or should consider in any way shape or form their 'job' to fix.

[Notexactlymarthastewart]

Hi Pacific
Yes I've made it clear to them that it cannot be fixed, by anyone. DS is just a little too young to grasp that yet, and can sometimes cling to the hope that we will all be together again despite me telling him otherwise. I don't know how to make it any clearer to DS tbh, he knows I don't love his daddy any more and don't want him back. It's frustrating as we've been separated for almost half of his life now, but I think it's partly because DS is older now and the reality is sinking in - he was too small to understand when we split.

I think we have both made it clear that the split was nothing to do with DCs and they both know that we love them.

I object to being made out to be the bad guy who forced daddy to leave, when that wasn't how it happened at all!!

[OvertiredandConfused]

My niece and nephew were 11 and 8 when their parents split up - husband had affair with son's best friend's mum.

What worked best for those children, who did have some understanding, was to explain that their dad could be a great dad and still be a bad husband. My niece actually told her dad that. Maybe a similar approach could help you to be a bit more open about what happened?

[Notexactlymarthastewart]

Hi Overtired
I quite like that. It's quite simple to explain and the roles are clearly separated between his relationship with them, and his relationship with me.

I think I might give that one a go, although I'll need to have a few examples ready (20 questions in my house!!)
Thanks!