Intimacy with new man - no idea what to do

[Chocolate99]

Hello all, I have previously posted and got some amazing advice re leaving my husband and poo relationship. I applied for divorce back in July, decree nisi progressing nicely.
As I had been miserable for a considerable length of time in marriage, friends urged me to trip online dating. have been on 2 dates with 2 nice men but no spark. l have now met a 3rd man who is lovely - flowers on first date etc, texts all the time, very considerate etc.

He is very open about the fact that he is affectionate which doesn't bother me perse, only problem is my husband and I only had sex once in 6 years, last time being 4 years ago, no kissing, cuddling etc at all. This was his choice not mine and something that made me v unhappy, self esteem etc. On recent 2nd date new man kissed me on the lips about 5 separate times, hugged me, hand round waist etc and each time I just froze because 1. I didn't know what to do, 2. not used to this at all and possibly 3, weird because he's not my husband (don't want to get back with him, just habit of him if you know what I mean?!)

Really don't want him to think I am not interested in him but how do I broach the subject of how I don't really know what to do, so out of practice it is untrue! or do I not mention it at all?

Help ladies

[YouLoveItDoreen]

If you feel you need to take things slower, you should talk to him. It is wonderful that he is affectionate but it has been a while since you've had this level of attention. Would it help if you instigated contact do you think? That way he will know when you are ready and can go at your pace.

[Chocolate99]

Thanks Doreen, I feel like a teenage who has never been kissed which is ridiculous, you might be right about that - instigating it. perhaps I need to have a glass of wine, but always driven to meet him but think I do need to relax! feel so stupid and I don't mean to but I just freeze when I know he is going to kiss me, am attracted to him so not sure why?

[Lweji]

Do you want to kiss him or touch him?

[Benedictinemonk]

Just be honest with him. Explain that it's a long time since you've been intimate, and you're a little nervous/shy. A good man will appreciate your honesty and take time and care to help you find the confidence to relax and enjoy yourself.

[Chocolate99]

oh yes I do but just feels strange to be kissed full stop and then I panic and feel awkward!

[Chocolate99]

thanks Benedictine, should I say its been a while or reveal just how long as don't want him to be under pressure so to speak!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Agreeing with a PP, be honest with him about your anxiety. A kind and sensitive lover will not want to rush you into anything. A glass of wine together sounds like a good way to lose the collywobbles. :)

[Lweji]

I think I'd probably explain that you are lacking confidence at the moment.
Would it be better if he backed off physically and let you make the first moves?
Would you feel confident enough to kiss him instead? Or to initiate touching?

Although being touchy feely is nice, it can also be intrusive in the early stages of the relationship.
I do wonder if your gut is not telling something that your brain isn't quite able to formulate.

[Chocolate99]

ha ha not heard that word for ages Cog, very underused in my opinion . okay am seeing him this week so will have a word, I don't think he will be put off but just not sure how to broach it with him without going bright red.. I am very frank about everything else but struggle with this.

[Chocolate99]

thanks Lweji, I know what you mean, but I feel really happy when he texts me, we get on well and I do find him attractive but I think it would take me a bottle of wine to jump on him!

I am not usually like this, I have definitely approached men previously and been very direct but that was all before 6 years no sex! think it has definitely knocked my confidence and when he tells me I am pretty and stuff it just makes me self conscious. the poor man

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If you say your relationship has left you a little anxious about physical intimacy but that you trust him to be sensitive and caring I can assure that he's going to be extremely flattered.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

I'm not sure that the problem is solely with you. I would not welcome being pawed in the way you describe by a man I hardly know, and only on the second date.

[Itsfab]

Don't drink wine to relax until you are happy to do stuff. Alcohol relaxes your inhibitions that are sometimes there for good reason.

There is no reason why you have to have any physical contact at all yet.

Take it at your pace and don't feel you have to do more than you are happy with.

It is all totally fine to be shy.

I was incredibly shy and went out with a previous boyfriend for 6 weeks before we had a kiss at all and there was no issue with him. Wouldn't have been my boyfriend if there had been.

[DoctorTwo]

If you say your relationship has left you a little anxious about physical intimacy but that you trust him to be sensitive and caring I can assure that he's going to be extremely flattered.

I can assure you this sentence from Cog is absolutely spot on. If he's as lovely as you say he'll respect your boundaries and take things at your pace.

[CarryOnDancing]

I don't have intimacy issues but I wouldn't be comfortable with what you describe. Surely he could sense that you weren't comfortable? If not that he's not considering the interaction from your perspective and that would be an issue (and turn off) for me.
On date two I wouldn't want that level of physical contact personally.

I would discuss it as others have said but I would keep it in mind that he may be concentrating on getting physical too early. Some people do just date for sex.

Don't move your own boundaries to suit his!!

[Vicky5910]

He's a bit handsy isn't he for a second date! I think you're feeling uncomfortable because most people would. I would anyway. I'd try and make my body language clear on the next date that it's unwelcome touching right now and see what he does. If he doesn't seem to care, that's not a man to be spending time with...

[niceupthedance]

It sounds a bit suffocating and over the top. I'd tell him to back off a bit tbh, he's coming across a bit desperate!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

A hug is 'handsy'? Blimey... I'm always hugging people.

[wideboy26]

And you can hug me whenever you like, Cog!

[mathanxiety]

I agree with the last three posts and others who have said the same.

I think you need time and you need more exposure to the physical experience of touch, and to sensual experiences in general before you will be ready to start a sexual relationship. Book yourself in for a few massages or manicures and pedicures. Maybe start a yoga class..

Living with someone who doesn't want you in the sexual sense does a number on your self esteem, but so does associating with someone who focuses more on sex than he should at this early stage of getting to know you.

[mathanxiety]

I type too slowly...

[Chocolate99]

Wow thanks for all the replies. I too am a Hugger cog so I am surprised I am bothered so much! He has been out of a 19 year marriage for 9 months and said to me from the outset he was an affectionate person and his wife was not towards the end of the marriage. I think it is because he is the exact opposite of my ex and out of practice but also aware that I personally would not be that touchy feely to a man on a second date. Will see how he behaves on the next date to get measure of him, tell him how I feel and go from there. Other than that he is very sweet :)

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I read it that the OP would really like to get intimate and is simply looking for ways to get back in the saddle, as it were. We've all had 'wham bam back in the saddle thank fuck it all still works after a massive dry spell sex'.... haven't we?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

OP don't worry. I have one of my crisps tenners here that says you'll lower your inhibitions on Date Three, hug his brains out and then (in the words of the Big Bang Theory) kick him to the kerb with a smile on his face and teeth marks on his heiny :)

[Vicky5910]

Cog maybe you should stop feeling up strangers with your random hugging...
I meant handsy as in he kissed her several times and put his arm around her, all a bit much IMO for a second date especially if she froze on the first kiss. A hug goodbye or hello is fairly typical behaviour, but this seems more than that?