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Relationships

this hurts so much :(

38 replies

jimmijam · 02/09/2014 11:30

Hi,
I'll try to keep this fairly brief.
For a few weeks my dh of over 9 years barely spoke to me. In the end I gave up trying to talk to him too, then I suggested marriage counselling which he said yes to. and a date night (i got a babysitter) which he said yes to. The morning of our date night (it didnt happen) I asked him if he was hiding something from me (thinking maybe an illness), in short he admitted to having an affair. After many many lies turns out it went on for a few months of dirty calls and texts. then within days of us getting back from our holiday abroad (the photos hadnt even been framed) he started sleeping with her-going to work early , coming home late. but at 4am and 1am i was asleep. I work nights, when I was asleep he was taking our 2 year old on dates with her!!!
ive spent years asking for more communication eg let me know how his days going on his break at work (we used to work at the same place but opposite shifts, until i left there just over a year ago), he never did, never replied to my texts etc
yet she got many texts and calls everyday- after i found out i checked his bill-as i paid his bill!!!
i asked and never got, she just got them. apparently because she told him she fancied him. i told him i loved him!
she got off to her on the phone in my bed! which i'm still paying for!

after finding out i instantly gave him option her or me 'i dont know' etc etc
(hes 46 and shes 21 btw, im 28, we have 3 children together)
a few days after throwing him out he came home saying he'd made a mistake and wanted me back. i asked if just for the kids. he said'i dont know'
a few days later still saying 'i swear on the kids lives ill never do it again etc' he slept with her again

oh yes, every time was unprotected and they talked about having a baby together

anyway.... hes still trying to come back and i keep considering it.
but i keep being let down.

i know hes a twat
i can see nothing wold really change

i love him. dont know why but i still want him.
is it because he was my 1st? because we have 3 children together? because i had completely trusted him? because we were together virtually my whole adult life so far?
i know no-one can answer this.
its been nearly 7 weeks now!

:'(

has anyone else got back together with a cheating partner and its worked?
i know those who have and some where it hasnt worked.. but none of them did it to the extent my dh did.

im now depressed (i am seeking help for this)
one day calm the next angry, the next i cant stop crying.

how long and how to i sort myself out please.

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chaseface · 02/09/2014 11:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lunatuna · 02/09/2014 11:42

I can't see it working out. He is clearly an idiot. Keep going, try to put as much distance as you can between yourself and your ex. At 28 there is a better life out there for you without him dragging you down. I'm depressed just thinking about how he has treated you and how you would still consider taking him back. That is the depressing bit.

Life will be hard without him, but it will be honest. Get all the support you can and start your new life where you can be true to yourself

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/09/2014 11:45

"how to i sort myself out please"

I'm sorry you're going through such a horrible experience. I'm also sorry you're married to a lying shit who thinks you should be grateful for his presence.

Have you confided in someone IRL?

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ftmsoon · 02/09/2014 11:46

I think you need to concentrate on you and the children. Have a clean break from him, sort what you want, continue to get help with your depression and then reassess whether you want him back or not. There are several threads on here about women waiting for him to 'see sense' & come home.

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headlesslambrini · 02/09/2014 11:51

I think you know that he is unlikely to change so your options are:

  • to keep living with this hanging over you ie every time he talks to another woman you will be wondering if she is the one - do you really want to live your life like that?
  • go through the pain which you are going through now, you are grieving a relationship which will take time to get over. The first year is the worst whilst you are learning to depend on yourself and not him but you will come through it and in a years time you will look back and wonder what you ever saw in him


FWIW if you go with option 1 this time, it will only be postponing option 2. Dont waste your life on him. If he cant respect you now, he wont in the future.
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Matildathecat · 02/09/2014 11:53

I just so sorry to read such a litany of disgraceful, twuntish behaviour. He took a two year old over on 'dates' on the sly shags ?

Please hold on tight. He's a total and utter bastard and you are truly better without this in your life. Cut all contact to a bare minimum and I mean bare.

Do you have good support? Use it and get all your rage and hurt out with them or on here, never with him.

Then get good legal advice and take him to the cleaners. You are 28 and have your whole life ahead. It will be better without him.

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Ohbollocksandballs · 02/09/2014 11:53

Some people aren't capable of change. I have now realised this and 'd'P has gone for good.

Only you can decide what to do. But he has sworn he won't do it, and has done it again.

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Iconfuseus · 02/09/2014 11:56

No one is going to say that leaving him will be easy because it won't. It's horrible breaking up a family. However you've given him the chance to keep the family together and he has spoilt that chance.

I don't really see what else you can do. He swore on the lives of his children that he wouldn't cheat - and then cheated.

He also risked getting the OW pregnant which would have a massive impact on your lives if it happened. He dishonoured you by discussing having children with this women.

I'm glad you are seeking help. If you can, get some talking therapy.

I wish you happiness.

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hellsbellsmelons · 02/09/2014 11:58

What a horrible thing for you to go through.
He's a lying, cheating, scumbag.
Stop doing the 'pick me' dance and cut him out totally.
It's hard with DC but the only communication is regarding the DC and access.
He needs to understand loss, and while you keep taking him back or are thinking about it, he has no incentive to 'choose'.
21 - haha, she'll get fed up with him before long.
Let them have each other. It won't last.
Stop engaging with him on anything other than DC.

Your emotions will be all over the place for a long time yet.
I used to curl up in a ball in a corner somewhere and cry for hours on end.
The tears never seemed to dry up.
Did it on and off for months and months.
But the time spent crying becomes less. The time between cries becomes longer.
You get there in the end though.
It certainly won't feel like it now, or next month or the month after.
But slowly things improve. Slowly you start to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Suddenly you look around and your life has changed. Often for the better once a lying cheat has been removed from it.

Don't think you should be 'over' this anytime soon.
Take each day as it comes. Do ever day at your own pace.
Get through each one as best you can.
Look after yourself and live well. That's the best revenge.
Make sure he has the kids for his fair share.
Make sure he has them overnight at least every other weekend.
Let her spend time looking after 3 kids.
Let him be a 60 YO with a teenager to run around after.

What has your solicitor said. Will you be OK financially?
Make sure you get adequate maintenance payments in place

As the song goes.
'Wish him luck as you wave him goodbye'!

Thanks for you!

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Anotherchapter · 02/09/2014 12:02

What an arse hole.

No he won't change because he is an arse hole that doesn't respect or love you.

My BIL and SIL have just divorced after 18 years. He cheated every single year. He swore it would never happen again but it did. Then he started telling her he was only there fir the kids and this kind of gave him carte blanch to do as he pleased. It was really sad because in her words ' she adored him'

She just got a big pay out in the devorce.

YOU and your KIDS deserve better. Sils three kids (18 - 11) have seen their mother cry over their dad's bit on the sides. And they all accepted it. The 18 year old has gone NC now though. I hope it doesn't have any lasting effect on what they think healthy relationships are like.

OP get angry! get very angry and don't ket him back. Take control of your life and go be happy else where, because you will be in time.

Flowers

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jimmijam · 02/09/2014 12:19

Thankyou all :')
Another reason I'm wondering if I'm not letting him go- I know he'll go straight off with her. & make her pregnant. (How she isn't already I don't know ) seeing him play daddy to someone else's baby I'm certainly not ready for.
Seeing someone else playing mum to my kids I'm nowhere near ready to even consider :(

I'm being assessed for talking therapy next week to see which would be right for me.

Hoping I'm over the suicidal thoughts now . My kids kept me alive. Literally.

Wow, the thought of a whole year of this!

At a recent work ball someone asked me to dance, I did , I thought why not, but I felt like I was cheating even thou him single. Makes it worse that he did everything he did while we were still a couple!!

I know if it were a friend going through this if be worried & telling them to stay well away & not take him back. Which is why I've been too ashamed to tell my friends my thoughts or what's been happening.

I told one close friend I need 'help with my head' though. So we've set up a just giving page & are going to do a walk to raise money for mind . I'm hoping once I get through this I could train up & volunteer to help others with depression. Whilst still working in the job I'm on now which I love.

The first days eating made me I'll, I lost 10lb in just a few days (I'm tiny anyway). I then went to comfort eating and have already put it all back on,. Today the thought of food is making me feel sick again.
It's amazing how much something like this messes with you in so many ways! I had no idea!

Yes I am making the mistake of sharing my upset and anger with him. He insists they're over, we'll be different, how he'll change etc etc

Do any of you have any tips or words of comfort please?

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Anotherchapter · 02/09/2014 12:28

Don't believe a word he says. He is a liar.

If he does go off and make a family with her - so be it. You can't control what this dick head does. Just hope he has deep pockets to pay for the kids he already has. And the OW has not got a catch, the silly bint has caught herself a cheating bastard! What a prize!!

Go and see your GP and discuss the feelings your having and well done you getting involved in mind well being.

You are young enough to get over this ( and you will!!!) and start enjoying life and meet some one eventually who will treat you like a queen, like I did.

Look forward to the future. He is broken biscuits right now. X

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Guiltypleasures001 · 02/09/2014 12:31

Yes lovely I do,

Get angry really angry, he got with you when you were still a teen you gave him 3 beautiful kids at such a young age even still and this if your payoff?

He has traded you in for dare I say it a younger model, what sort of and I'll uses the term man loosely does this sort of thing ? You won't kick him in to touch because he might go to her? You haven't kicked him out yet he's there anyway. You have no control he has, it's about time you pulled on your big girl pants and looked at those kids and think what the fuck how dare he.

He isn't some prize to be passed on he is a bullet you've dodged and she hasn't , go get tested for sti's lovely then go find your self respect and wrap it around you like a blanket.

This is a half life for you and the kids and no way to live. Thanks

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/09/2014 12:31

He's already with her, I'm afraid. He has a flat of his own for a reason and you can't influence his behaviour. You didn't push him into anyone's arms and you can't pull him back either. It's frustrating and upsetting but this was his decision alone.

Please focus on yourself and you DCs. What you're experiencing is a grief process and it takes as long as it takes. Talk to your friends and get all the help you need. Talk to your GP if you're really struggling mentally. It's going to sound like a cliché but this really does pan out one day at a time - some better than others. Make the most of the good days, look after yourself on the bad days and eventually the good days will be more frequent than the bad.

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Fudgeface123 · 02/09/2014 12:32

If it's not her it will be someone else, if you go back to him you're giving him permission to do it again and again and again...for the rest of your life

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Anotherchapter · 02/09/2014 12:33

I cut my hair. Got a new do and that felt as if I was cutting him off.

I blocked his number and changed the locks.

At first I spoke through a third party regarding dd1 and access.

Got myself to the gym - the endorphins did wonders and I put my stress in to running.

Starting getting in touch with my old friends and started going out.

The worst thing to do is stay in licking your wounds.

I was very kind to myself and gave myself daily talks to myself in the mirror about, how I was getting through this! how well I was doing.

Book a holiday.

Of course there were days when I just burst out crying when I thought I was doing well, in the street, cooking tea or watching tv.

When you start getting better and he sees the change in you, he will be crawlng back. The hardest part is not talking him back. Surround your self with good friends xx

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AnyFucker · 02/09/2014 12:34

I am trying to find some words of comfort, but if you keep hoping he will change into a decent man, I am afraid I have none

The only sane thing you can do, for you and your kids, is to detach from him. Yes, he may go to her. But that is all the more reason to cut him loose. Please don't cling on to him so he doesn't go to her...that is the ultimate act of demeaning yourself. he won't have any respect left for you at all if you do that, and neither will you have for yourself

Your kids deserve better than this. You two are showing them a terrible example of what a loving relationship should be like. Him for being a cheating arsehole, and you for giving the impression that this is all that women can expect.

Tie a bow on his stupid head and send him to her. You will move on. He will always be a second rate kinda person.

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Anotherchapter · 02/09/2014 12:40

tie a bow on his stupid head and send him to her -

^^ absafuckinglutley

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rainbowinmyroom · 02/09/2014 12:51

Does he have form for this? In his past? Because he will just keep repeating it until he gets too old for women to pay him attention.

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jimmijam · 02/09/2014 13:59

Hello.
He doesn't live at home, he's renting a room from some other people in their house. (But they're behind on the rent so be interesting to see what he does when they're evicted)

I like the using a 3rd party for access idea!
Suppose I don't want to let go because it's not how I though we'd ever be :'( I'd always thought wherever we ended up, even in a cardboard box, that we 'd be together as a family.
I'd always felt proud my kids would grow up in a 2 parent family (I don't know my dad). All of that is gone . It's a lot to let go of. I know I need to cut the ties. I just can't bring myself to do it x

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/09/2014 14:02

Sadly it's not a case of bringing yourself to do anything. This has been imposed on you and you have very little choice. Your DCs still have a 2 parent family, it's just that one of those parents lives in another location.

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jimmijam · 02/09/2014 14:07

It still feels surreal.
And yes it does feel like grieving for a marriage. Only I've never grieved over anyone like this before. X

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jimmijam · 02/09/2014 14:08

It sort of doesn't feel like the choice has been taken away at this point though.

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AnyFucker · 02/09/2014 14:43

this isn't a "family" though, is it ?

he is dipping his wick elsewhere, risking your sexual health (have you booked that STI test, btw?) and making the mother of your children utterly miserable

what is remotely "family" about that ?

better a one parent family where the single parent is not treated
like a piece of shit

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AnyFucker · 02/09/2014 14:45

Well, I suppose you do still have a choice

  1. devalue yourself and cling on to a man who is using you until something better comes along]

  2. take control and decide you don't have to tolerate this, and give your kids a better example of how to live a life with integrity

    It's a choice
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