Time to let go for good?

[blueeyedbabe7]

Hi all, long story short, i think its time to let go of my partner once and for all, we have been together a number of years but its been tough for a while he says it comes down to his job, he got promoted about 2 years ago and pretty much lives at work. It gives him no right to treat me so bad though, he talks to me vile and has been violent, we stupidly recently went on a family holiday with our dc it went well but as soon as we were back he talked me down again, people around me do not understand why i put up with his childish moods and the way he is. He recently rang a councillor but told me he couldnt tell them that he hit me or they would get ss involved so im not sure him seeing one now is not enough as they dont know the full story. My mind is made up i think about telling him its over for good , how do i go about this ?

[however]

How are your finances arranged? Do you rent or have a mortgage? Are you married? You have kids, right?

Can you leave now? Like right now? Go to a friend's place, or family?

[however]

....because if he's violent, I wouldn't tell him I'm leaving, and then leave. I'd leave, and then phone him and tell him.

[kaykayblue]

Yes OP. I'm sorry that you have been together with this person for so long. NO-ONE ever deserves to be hit by their partner. Even he knows that, as otherwise he wouldn't be hiding it from his councillor.

Counselling is not recommended for people in abusive relationships/abusers, so if the councillor doesn't know that he is physically abusive, then there is no point.

Please do leave. You are right that he doesn't get to treat you like this. Please also think about your children growing up in this environment. You don't mention the ages of your dc, but hopefully they are young enough so that they won't be permanently damaged from this.

Both they and you deserve a safe place to live. Please please don't subject them to this. You have a choice whether to stay or go - but they don't. They have to live with whatever decision you make. So please make the decision which puts their safety first.

Did you ever report any of the abuse to the police? Did he say out loud about not being able to tell the councillor that he hit you, or was it in an e-mail?

[blueeyedbabe7]

Rent, but i have made a appointment for monday to see what if any financial help i can get as i do not work at the moment and he does full time. I have thought about texting him but i feel abit guilty as does he not deserve more than a text or call after years together? i do not have many friends but could stay with family for abit if needs be. I do still love him but its not the same the last yr its more i love him as a person im definately not in love with him anymore i think that started to fade the first time he hit me. Earlier this year he lost it and beat me, and for me i cant forgive him for that and get past that, obviously he says he is sorry and that it was my fault because i told him i didnt love him. We have one child yes.

[Lweji]

Make sure you are safe, primarily.

Plan for the break up. Get legal advice and financial advice, get financial help sorted and accommodation, if you need.
If you want to stay in the home sort out an injunction (do you have evidence of his abuse, particularly violence?).

WA is your friend, and I'd advise you to call them for specific and practical help.

And gather real life help.

Either leave and then tell him, or get someone with you when you do.

[Lweji]

i feel abit guilty as does he not deserve more than a text or call after years together?

No, because he beat you!
And could do it again.

My ex got told by the police. :)

[Finola1step]

Do not tell him it's over. He has been violent and telling him face to face is very dangerous for you.

You owe him nothing.

Please talk to Women's Aid and get proper, safe advice.

[blueeyedbabe7]

Thank you i will definately ring them and hopefully my app monday will go well so i can get some financial help in the short term. Our child will be going to school next week so it will be easier to sort everything out. I will have to sort out meetings for him to see the child etc there is alot to sort out but i think its the right thing to do.

[temporarilyjerry]

I will have to sort out meetings for him to see the child.

You will have to make your child available for contact; it is not your job to organise the contact.

[Mini05]

You need to get things sorted behind his back with regards to
Where your going to live
Benefits

Do not say anything to him, last time you got a beating for telling him you didn't love him
Just think what you would get telling him your leaving!!!! NO NO

You can do a benefit calculation on the Gov site

[blueeyedbabe7]

i am starting to do things behind his back starting with the app on mon then after that im going to think about telling him that we are done for good and there is no more chances.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Please make sure you call Womens Aid.
They will tell you how to exit safely.
'Telling' him, isn't going to work.
He is an abuser and he won't accept it.
It could endager you.
But Womens Aid can tell all about this.
You owe him NOTHING after what he has done to you.
You need get away but your safely and that of your DC is paramount right now.
WA then CAB then CSA and then get your exit sorted out.

You're being very strong.
I'm glad you realise this is not OK and you are worth more.

Not sure what your DC is but imagine your daughter telling you all this.
Or if a son, imagine his wife coming to you to tell you he's abusing her.
That is basically what will happen if you stay with this vile, abusive man.

[kaykayblue]

Oh love. You owe this man absolutely nothing.

He raise his hand to you. He doesn't love you. People don't do that to people they love. And of course you can't forgive him - how could you forgive someone who did that to you? You should never, ever feel that it's okay for someone to treat you like that.

Please don't tell him in person, or in private that you are leaving. It is dangerous.

[newnamesamegame]

You owe this man nothing. He forfeited the right to that consideration when he assaulted you.

Your obligation is to yourself and your children.

As others have noted, warning him ahead of time that you are planning to leave is also dangerous.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Another one stressing how important it is that you are safe FIRST. If he is already violent, you telling him it's over is very likely to trigger another assault. Please don't take that risk. Several women each week are killed by violent partners. Be prepared, get safe - call WA, call 101, go to a place of refuge - and then let him know.

Good luck

[blueeyedbabe7]

I know your all right its just hard he has been my longest relationship so it will be hard to adjust to single life. I stupidly have been leaning on a friend emotionally the last few months and that i need to stop as well. Next week is the start of my new start with my daughter. Like i said i am going to get financial advice monday and ill also contact WA and explain im wanting to leave the relationship asap and hopefully they can help provide advice on the best way etc. i do feel like ive wasted a good few years of my life being unhappy but this time my mind is made up for good.

[Lweji]

Somehow I adjusted to single life without twat husband really well.
You will see how much easier your single life without him will be.

You may miss having someone around, which is natural, and you may confuse that feeling with missing him, but he is not good for you. He is not worthy of your love at all. Keep remembering all the things about him that you won't miss.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I'm sure the friend you've been 'leaning on emotionally' would be very pleased to help you turn your plans into reality. It can be quite frustrating for friends to listen to all the woes but see no action, but very rewarding to see someone go from 'leaning' to 'leaving'... :)

[blueeyedbabe7]

Think im really going to break his heart why am i the bad person having to do this? sometimes i think it would be easier if someway he ended it, i guess that would never happen though

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Someone has to have the courage to take responsibility and take the initiative. Doing the right thing may not always be popular or easy but that's not the same as acting out of malice. It is not being the bad guy to stand up for yourself

[Adarajames]

A man who beats his wife doesn't have a heart capable of bein broken, he just hates the loss of control he has had over her!

You are doing the right thing, safety for you as your child, talk to WA, stay safe and you will find a better life, the one you deserve x

[Lweji]

Think im really going to break his heart why am i the bad person having to do this?

You cannot break the heart of an abuser. Despite their claims. They recover surprisingly quickly. and don't even manage to kill themselves as often promised

[hellsbellsmelons]

I hope today goes well for you OP and you get some good financial advice.
Hopefully you've also managed to get in touch with Womens Aid.
Good luck this week.

[blueeyedbabe7]

Today went well, i can get some short term finanicial help in the form of benefits whilst i find my feet and a part time job. i felt bad going behind his back but i actually feel abit better now its done and knowing theres support and help out there.

[Adarajames]

Well done! Taking first steps can be very scary, but you're on your way, good on you ??