Divorcing a Persuader

[lanadelray]

The very short story - alcoholic, porn and escort addiction.

We've been separated for a couple of months but he's absolutely refusing to believe it's over. I'm bombarded with messages of love, threats to move back into the marital home, suicide. He's told DS that hopefully he'll be back soon. I've been contacted by in-law's telling me how bad he is, he can't cope, can't I just try again, he's had his wake up call? He's told me he's ill, lost weight (I can't see where from!) He's begged me not to start divorce proceedings as this will tip him over the edge. He's an alcoholic, I should be helping not divorcing, etc, etc.

I bought the Freedom Project book last night and can see that he is a classic Persuader (as well as other things). The book is great in that I now understand these are all empty promises and threats but how should I proceed? Should I go NC? How does this work with access to DS? Should he even have access if he's threatening to kill himself? The book says that he could threaten to hurt me or those I love and I'd like to think he wouldn't do that to DS but what if I'm wrong? I've been wrong about a lot of stuff. Or perhaps I shouldn't go NC as this could wind him up more and now I'm wise to his games they don't affect me anyway.

Argh so many questions! Any insights gratefully received.

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

If he's an alcoholic I wouldn't allow him to see DS alone anyway.

Can you block him on your phone and create a new e-mail account and ask him to use that to contact you only? Then you can sit down at a time to suit you and read them all?

You'll need firm boundaries here and to sound like a broken record as you keep repeating over and over the same things until a new status quo is reached and he gets the message but it'll take time. Al anon can be helpful for advice as well.

[Squidstirfry]

I would say total NC for you and your dc. He can't be responsible for a small child if he's an alcoholuc, and suicidal.

He is not your oriblem anymore and is probably messing with your dc's head too.

[Fairenuff]

As long as it's still all about him you know he hasn't changed.

Block and ignore. Get legal advice. If he turns up at your house causing a disturbance call the police.

[lanadelray]

I didn't think of that Dontstep. I suppose his drinking has become normal to us. I'll definitely research Al Anon.

I have said that the only messages he should be sending are about arrangements for DS and they should be on an email. He just carried on spamming my phone with texts. If I don't respond he contacts DS and family telling them he's just worried about me. Which of course makes them worry about me. Tedious arse.

[Fairenuff]

In that case, OP, report him to the police for harassment. They take this very seriously and will speak to him about it. That should be enough to make him back off.

[lanadelray]

Thank you Squid and Fairenuff that's really helpful. You see if I tell him to back off he says he can't help himself, it's only because he loves me so much that he needs to know how I'm doing. Then I feel like I'm overreacting. He's so manipulating.

[Meerka]

Keep a record of every single threat and unpleasant incident because if you end up in an access tussle over your son, the courts / solicitors will need to see outside objective evidence of his behaviour.

If you absolutely cannot handle any more, set up a special email account for him and get him blocked from your phone and his emails directed to Spam on your main account.


Threatening suicide is an extremely manipulative trick. And very low. Give him the Samaritans number and tell him that if he's in extremis he needs to ring 999. Call his damn bluff, because suicide threats are almost always bluff to manipulate the other person.

Remember you are entitled to end the relationship and your decision has nothign to do with his family! He's been a shit and who in their right minds wants to be with a shit? Plus its a dreadful example for your son to grow up with. Your ex has not changed - if he was sincere about change, he wouldnt be making suicide threats even if he felt that way. He'd be trying to do something to improve himself and not pressuring and manipulating you. He'd be going to Alc Anon.

beyond that, hopefully more experienced posters will be along. But you do need solicitor's advice quickly.

[WellWhoKnew]

Yes to NC. Change your phone so you have a 'him' phone and a 'my friends, family, work phone'. Check your phone only when it is necessary, e.g. when your children are with him, and just before to confirm arrangements. No need to be switched on any other time.

Yes to divorce. It's his family's problem now to help him cope (should they choose to accept that problem) - they do not call you to get you involved as it's not their place. They too go the way of NC, I'm afraid.

I find 'all is well, have a nice weekend/holiday/day' effective to send a very polite but firm 'thanks for your text but go away'. Generally works. After that, texts get ignored.

I also use 'I'm sorry to read that' whenever someone is trying to engage me on matters relating to STBXH's issues. It is superficially sympathetic and simultaneously unemotional in stating: thanks but I cannot/don't want to get involved.

When you go through the divorce process, it does escalate attention-seeking shitty behaviour. But remember, a divorce absolves you of responsibility as a spouse. The divorce process is a training period to get ready for independence. Use it well.

[Fairenuff]

You see if I tell him to back off he says he can't help himself, it's only because he loves me so much that he needs to know how I'm doing.

He is stalking you and he is actually breaking the law. Call 101 and ask for advice.

[lanadelray]

Thank you Meerka. I'm googling how to download text messages as I'm afraid they'll disappear if I block him.

He know the suicide threats don't work on me. I literally knock off my phone and go to bed. It's his choice. But he's started contacting his family as a cry for help and they think I'm a total bitch for ignoring him. I'm not bothered.

I'm calling my solicitor tomorrow. The paperwork is done and good to go. She thinks, though it'll inflame things, I need to just get started. I suppose I'm just scared and wondering if there's a way to do some manipulating of my own so things can go a bit smoother. He's becoming more and more desperate and I dread to think what he'll be like when it finally sinks in that it's definitely over.

[lanadelray]

I respond too slowly!

Thank you for replying WWK. I've been following your thread and applaud your bravery. I sometimes use a quick one liner and usually get "Why do you hate texting me?" Err do you want a list? I'll get a new phone tomorrow.

I never thought of it as stalking Fairenuff but it is isn't it?

[Meerka]

if you've asked him clearly to stop texting you and he's still doing it (discussoin over your son excepted), yes it's harassment.

Actually thinking about it, if you answer him only over your son ... would he make your son the battleground?

Your son is the real prize in all this. Is your ex involved with him at all? It sounds like he might be a really poor father givne the alcohol and the suicide threats. Is he involved with your son's upbringing at all? will he want access?

If you do think he might make your son the battleground in order to hurt/control you, then you may be better off letting him carry on texting about non-son stuff. Keep his attention on you. Let your son fade into the background and out of his awareness. In a back handed way, it would be better (if he's a bad father) for him to completely forget about him. Very sad, but possibly safer for your baby.

[Meerka]

Hrm. that was just an idea that occurred, about keeping the attention on yourself rather than risking your son becoming a battleground. It might not actually be the brightest idea ever!

[lanadelray]

That's a good point Meerka. He is texting constantly when they are together, I know what they're doing, eating, sending me pics, asking if I'd like to join them so we can be a real family. He's never been bothered with him before but now he wants to see him all the time to the point that DS (he's 12) has started saying no. It's the most time they've spent together and I don't think he really "gets" DS.

[lanadelray]

Even before all this DS would say "does Dad have to come?" And usually he wouldn't anyway because it interrupted the drinking and porn. Or he'd be rushing us out of wherever we were so he could start drinking.

[Fairenuff]

The trouble with people like this is the more you give, the more they take. You have to be extremely strict with the minimal contact or they see it as encouragement.

[WellWhoKnew]

I had this moment of enlightenment the other morning, which I would love to send STBXH - but perhaps you'll appreciate it more:

Dear STBXH

Just because you have a dick and an arsehole doesn't mean you have to be one.

I don't have a female dog.

Yours, WWK.

Perhaps you can understand the mentality.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

What you're describing isn't persuasion but shameless manipulation and attention-seeking. The only way to combat it is to cut them off i.e. complete NC. Do not engage. Do not respond. Any messages other than those strictly essential for practical reasons like contact or finances say have to be ignored, or logged and then ignored if they are abusive or threatening. Anyone passing on his sob stories, cut them short and say it's not your concern any more. If he threatens self-harm call his bluff & alert the emergency services. If he threatens to harm DS or if you think there is a risk, keep DS at home.

Otherwise, deal solely with your solicitor, get the divorce wheels turning and focus on the future.

[lanadelray]

Sorry, abandoned my thread but took the advice on board by going NC Cogito. He's a crafty bugger though. He knows the suicide threats don't work so has started texting that my NC means he's worried about me so will be visiting. Then when that was ignored that I must really care for him and he'll be moving back tomorrow. He will say anything to start a dialogue and I hate myself for being sucked in but kept it a short - NO and switched my phone off.

Love it WWK!

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

Well done Lana

Can you change locks?

[lanadelray]

I have thought about it dontstep but thought I'd end up letting him anyway to not cause a scene in front of DC. I think the house will have to go in the divorce anyway. Seriously thinking of an apartment with a doorman!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Please don't let him in and tell the DC that's what you'll be doing so that there are no surprises. Find a plausible explanation for the texts - kids are not daft - but keep him out of the house.

[Meerka]

lana he's so damn 'persuasive' that you might have to face causing a scene at some point.

It sounds like your son has his number anyway.

[tipsytrifle]

oh my, lana please don't let him in!

If a scene is caused then someone may call police and have him removed from the doorstep. That someone might be you. This might get the message through to him. He is NOT a safe person to be around at all. He is obsessive, stalkerish and that means predatorial too.

You cannot be complacent about the person you used to be happy with. That isn't him now. Just my worried opinion ...

[Romeyroo]

Don't let him in. When my not quite xH yet was harrassing me and threatening to come to the house, I called the police on 101 and told them what was going on. I then told him in writing that I would not hesitate to call the police if he turned up. The point about this strategy is that you have to be prepared to follow it through.

It is a horrid, horrid situation to be in, and 18 months on, xH will still not sign the necessary papers to allow me to divorce him (we are not in England therefore different laws here). It is all about control, and the only way out is to maintain your boundaries firmly no matter what is thrown at you.