Partner swore he didn't use porn, except I've just found him on webcam sites

[EveMarieSaint]

Here we go again with the webcam threads...

I was sexually abused as a child and some of the abuse involved porn. Just the word makes me feel ill. My partner and I had this conversation very early on and I explained that porn would be a dealbreaker for me.

He laughed and said that, although he used to use porn, he hadn't used it for a very long time and would never use it in a relationship anyway.

About nine months down the line, the subject came up again when he said something along the lines of, "I don't watch porn because of you". It confused me because he claimed he had given up porn long before we were together. He claimed to have no memory of saying that. Anyway, he looked me in the eye and swore to me that he had not done it throughout the course of the relationship, that he wouldn't do that to me and, in any case, had no interest in doing it.

So imagine my surprise this morning when I discovered a webcam site on a laptop that he has not even owned for a year.

I confronted him and he got angry, shaking. Accusing me of snooping. He claimed to have no memory of it, that it must have been from a long time ago. I asked him if he interacted with people, if he paid for it. He said no. I asked him to take me to the site and show me what it was all about. Not surprisingly, membership and a credit card were required. He said he hadn't done anything, was just curious, that he used to have an account years ago. That when he used to do it, it was largely about having somebody to talk to. Because he couldn't just pick up the phone, obviously.

I asked him if there was more. He said he didn't know, that he must have done it when he was very drunk and miserable, but had no memory of it. I asked him if he'd done it recently, when he was drunk and alone. He said he didn't know. That he was sorry.

Drip, drip, drip.

I really thought he was one of the good ones, who wouldn't lie to me. I trusted him.

I've recommended he see a doctor about his selective amnesia. And his drinking.

Webcams. Of all the things.

I'm shaking. I feel sick. And in shock. I don't know what to do.

[Squidstirfry]

Sorry you got a bad'un.

There are nice men out there, you really don't have to put up with one who goes on Webcam sites to get his rocks off.

Good for you for standing up for what you want from a relationship.

[Smilesandpiles]

You said yourself it's a deal breaker.

He's lied to you about this a number of times, he's trying to gaslight you and is blaming you.

What is there to think about?

[PamDooveOrangeJoof]

Sorry that this has happened.

Does the site let you see his interactions and history? Has he cancelled his membership since you found out and deleted everything.
Webcam is even worse than porn IMO. Interacting with others ug

[PamDooveOrangeJoof]

And yes yes to the gas lighting/lying and blaming you.

You do know what to do... Bin him or there will be more of this to come you can count on it.

[expatinscotland]

You need to get rid.

[butterflybuttons]

You need to get rid - there really isn't another option. So sorry.

[EveMarieSaint]

I'm devastated. I don't see how there's any way forward with this. How could I ever trust him again? His claims of forgetting are really just ways to avoid taking responsibility, to make no comment. I wonder how deep this runs.

Webcams are truly horrible. Horrible for the women and indeed a step on from porn. From the history he doesn't appear to have clicked on any videos or logged in, but who knows what he might delete or browse privately.

I think the tears are on their way. Why did he have to go and ruin it?

[EveMarieSaint]

He was sorry and remorseful before he left to go to work. He was trying to hug me.

I can't believe any of this. I just don't understand.

[BringMeSunshine2014]

I am so, so sorry for what happened to you when you were a child and how you have been taken back to that place right now x

Do you have a friend who could come over and give you a real hug? You can have lots of virtual ones from me, but they're not the same as real ones - sorry.

What he has done would be a 'deal breaker' in a lot of relationships. Some because he 'broke his promise' & some because of the actual 'thing'.

Both of those 'reasons' would be more than enough on their own. However, in your case I would be leaving him because he has show you how little he cares about you. How could he do that to you knowing what he knows? I couldn't forgive him for 'taking me back there'. I just couldn't.

I don't know you, not even a little bit and I want to hold you and the child you were - I couldn't do something that would trigger you - how could he, if he loved you - properly loved you.

You deserve better than this and you wont get it from him - no matter how many 'sorry's' he says or 'promises' he makes because he just doesn't get it and doesn't care to.

[Smilesandpiles]

Have a cry and then get angry.

Dust yourself down, toss that idiot on the scrap heap and do something you love. DO NOT LOOK BACK.

He's only sorry because he got caught, ditch him. He's a waste of time, you could get hit by a bus tomorrow. Do you really want to spent any more time mooning over that pathetic excuse of a man?

[BringMeSunshine2014]

I would have had more respect for him if he had just admitted it. Then I think you might have had a small chance of 'getting through this', but he took the cowards way out making this even worse for you.

If he can do this, knowing how devastated you would feel when you found out, no matter what he promises he's never going to stop wanting this in his life. He might be able to 'resist' for a while, but one quiet night he'll be back there again and in the meantime you will be worrying/wondering if he is and it will be something you spend too much time thinking about :(

How long have you been together?

[EveMarieSaint]

Thanks, it's really helping being able to talk on here.

He claims he probably did it when he was very drunk and miserable, that he doesn't know what he's doing when he gets drunk. He cheated on an ex partner twice while very drunk - I think I am seeing a pattern emerging.

[EveMarieSaint]

And yes, if he just admitted it then that would be... er... something. All this amnesia bollocks. All it does is sow more seeds of doubt. And it's cowardly.

[Smilesandpiles]

I can see of change in attitude in your posts already.

Yes, there does seem to be a pattern doesn't there? As for the "being drunk" excuse, pur-lease, how many times have we all heard that one before?

[EveMarieSaint]

Ugh, the thought of him interacting with the women on there. Christ. I never thought he was like that. He might as well have just cheated on me - I might have found it easier. Bastard.

[BringMeSunshine2014]

Oh he just gets better doesn't he! :(

Did you know about him cheating on his ex 'when he was drunk' before now or is this the first you have heard of it?

[EveMarieSaint]

No, I knew that already. We were close friends for a couple of years before we were together. He confided in me one night and told me about it, how horrible he felt about it and how he is a different person now who wouldn't do something like that.

[BringMeSunshine2014]

Have you had a drink today (I mean water/tea/juice not a vat of wine!)? Anything to eat?

How long have you been together? What do you think you're going to do?

[EveMarieSaint]

I have just checked the default settings for history on internet explorer. We have exactly the same operating system. History is deleted after 20 days by default. He doesn't know anything about computers. This is recent. Oh god.

[EveMarieSaint]

We've been together 18 months. I have no idea what I'm going to do. I'm now in shock again at my most recent revelation.

[Smilesandpiles]

You know exactly what you are going to do. You're just not quite ready because you're still suffering from shock, dissapointment and being let down. Again.

Turn your phone of for the rest of the day, cry, have a bath, treat yourself then tomorrow, kick him to the curb where he belongs.

[Smilesandpiles]

off*

[EveMarieSaint]

I have Bipolar Disorder and this sort of thing is not good for it at all. I'm a wreck, and this is only the beginning.

[Smilesandpiles]

Even more reason to get into action now while you still can and he can't guilt trip you or manipulate you into forgiving him.

[Castlemilk]

Look, you are clearly a switched-on and sensible person - as you say, here we go again with the webcam threads...

So you know the score. If you stay with him, you're shitting all over your own dealbreaker, and basically saying 'I know I said I had boundaries, but I actually don't. I'll say it to sound in control, but actually I'll put up with any shit to be in a relationship, even an utterly pointless one.'

And it IS a pointless excuse for a relationship. You know what you don't want: he's now exposed as the very thing you don't want. 18 months is not long, so there's probably worse in store as you go further down the line.

If you'd bought a car which proved to be a dud, would you keep it? No, you'd sell and get another one. Short term pain for long term gain.

If you stay with him, you turn your back on the chance of finding the person who fits you, as you want to be, in favour of a thoroughly third-rate option.

There's no need to do that. You don't even avoid pain, as you will know every minute you stay with him that you've made the wrong decision. That's before the pain in store 2, 3 years down the line and the inevitable (drunken) betrayals.

So be true to yourself and your aim of happiness and end it with him.