how do I get my mother to stop mothering MY children?

[bigmouthstrikesagain]

just returned from a few days spending a lotof time with mum, very tired and grumpy so bear with me. six hour train journey with three over tired children and one over tired me and (for the first part) one slightly befuddled grandma.

so we have been visiting the tiwn where mum and my sister (her step daughter) live. my sis has many children and is fun to be around so my children are always desperate to spend as much time as possible with their cousins, mum understands and is accommodating of that. she also helps with the last/first part of the very long train journey (three changes hundreds of miles). all of that is fab, she loves her gc's they love her. all great so far.

But she cannot relax and enjoy being grandma. She is constantly treating me like an ignorant child "sit down there" she barked at me on the train. I had been sitting on a sodding inter city for two hours I wanted to stretch my arsing legs and give my aching arse a break ffs and I am 40! "no you can't have those biscuits" she says to my son when I handed him the mini cheddars... apparently the fact I had handed them to him was irrelevant as she had decided he didn't have time to eat them before we got off the train. I overruled that decision but really?

I could go on with the dozens of petty little instances where mum became the 'one mum to rule them all' and I am relegated to a bit part that gets left on the cutting room floor but honestly it is a bore... suffice yo say it mounts up. I am left with knotted shoulders and a tongue bitten to shreds I cannot keep doing it but how does one broach it without screaming obscenities and raving like a loon over something very minor but toe curling-ly irritating.

still I feel better getting my rant on. Thamk you.

[Terrierterror]

Is she like this during the stressful bits (while you're travelling) or all the time?

[bigmouthstrikesagain]

all the time pretty much - but she is worse when travelling and gets easily stressed and is a grump (always has been)

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Well I would have swiped those mini cheddars myself (I luffs them...)

However, you've obviously spoken to your mum about this, Bigmouth, what did you say and how did she take it? It's not ok for her to boss you around and overrule your decisions but how are you dealing with it?

If she did it when you were travelling, it might have been concern for you, that you'd coped alone on the journey and she was, in her bossy way, trying to relieve you of the mothering problems, but caused you more stress.

Have to mop up that tea...

[Terrierterror]

You could wait until she does a particularly clear-cut one (like overruling you on the biscuits) when she's not overly stressed and just laugh and say 'you're my mum but I'm DS' mum!' Or 'I'm 40. I feel like standing.'

[mustardtomango]

My mum does this... Checking the temp of ds food as I give it to him, trying to intervene when dh plays with him in a way she deems inappropriate, telling him (ds that is, 10 months...) that mummy's wrong, you've not whatever (grown, become able to x, you name it).

Charitably, I think women of a certain age both want to feel needed and also fall back into the mothering role far more easily than they learn the grandmother role. Bloody irritating though.

No great advice I'm afraid, we've avoided direct confrontation and instead shared several rather stern looks. And I've denounced her authority a few times, just as she's tried to intervene, gently but seriously. It's tricky.

Good luck op x

[Castlemilk]

'Repeat after me, me mummy, you Granny' With big smile.

Every single time.

[Middleagedmotheroftwo]

How often do you see her? If not very often (as I infer from the length of the train journey) does it really matter?

[AcrossthePond55]

Been there, done that. I moved back to my parents for 5 months with DS1, then 3, during a career move for DH (he went ahead to prepare for our move). It was a struggle to gently remind Mum that she was Granny, not Mum. I never confronted her, just a lot of "No Mum, I'm his mother and I say yes/no/whatever". I'm sure it was easier for me since I knew it was just a few months.

I know it's hard, but I'd advise just playing deaf when she tells you what to do and saying "Mum, I said DC can have the crackers, please don't tell him no when I say yes" or "Mum, now you relax and let me tend to my children. You've raised yours & deserve to just sit back & let someone else do the hard part!" or words to that effect. It's so hard when you're exhausted to grin and (sort of) bear it. Unless it's a continuing, constant problem (as in, you see her a lot and she does this often and frequently) just try to put up with it as best you can.

[myfriendflickadee]

What is she like with your sister and her kids? Is she a granny "nanny"? Does she look after your sister's children? Or is/was she used to taking charge at work?

I'm a bossy boots in stressful situations and used to taking charge. I'd laugh (at myself) if someone pulled me up on taking charge from force of habit though. Same with my super bossy BF who thinks we're all in the military like him. Pull him up and he laughs and says sorry.

If your mum is a nice, normal, thoughtful person who is just taking charge, she'll not mind a good humoured reminder that you're the mum and not a child.

[Bogeyface]

I could have written that. Now she is better but it took years of me saying "Hello! Mummy is in the room!" or suchlike.

It came to a head when I said DS (now 23 but was about 10 at the time) could do/have something and she totally overruled me to the point where DD (6) was in tears and DS was frightened of upsetting anyone. I took the kids home, we live around the corner which is a double edged sword, and then went back alone and "had words".

I can see her biting her tongue these days but I also let more stuff go simply because I know she bites her tongue. She respects me as an adult now and in fact relies on me in a way she didnt before because she realised that I am a grown up and trusts me in a way she didnt before.

I find a calm but firm voice helps "Mum, I have said that he can have the mini cheddars" with a look.

[TheFantasticFixit]

Ah. I'm currently in this predicament as well.

DM has just left after 4 days with us and i lost count of how many times i went to passive aggressive mode to stop her over riding my requests/directions/ideas with my dds. Things like offering cake to DD1 after she'd refused her lunch (and despite my protestations even offered it directly to DD1), giving her a dummy when i'd put it away for the afternoon (we are trying to wean her off it, and DM knows this), rewarding tantrums... etc, which is bad enough. Worse however, is that she decided, during this visit, that she was going to wean my 5 month old and gave her her first taste of food, despite knowing i wanted to wait to 6 months (theres absolutely no reason for DD2 to wean early either).

Argggghhhhhhh. It irritates the tits off my chest!

Could you perhaps gently remind her each time it happens that YOU are in charge, not her any longer? Good luck OP

[kaykayblue]

I think you just put your foot down immediately, every single time it happens.

With the mini cheddars

"You can't eat those"
"Yes you can my darling - (to mum) don't you dare undermine me in front of my own child."

"Sit down there!"
"You seem to be mistaking me for a dog"

[bigmouthstrikesagain]

thank you for all your replies and shared experiences

I passed out into an exhausted slumber after posting but am refreshed now after reuniting with my lovely bed and my outrage over mum stepping on my toes is lessened. But it is still there.

mum has been looking after other peoples children all her life, babysitting, au pair, mothers help, minder. .. then sahm.

She has helped dsis with her children when they were v young but not needed to for years and is to far to help me on regular basis though she will come up to babysit for a weekend if asked.

she is beginning to struggle with physical demands of childcare though and I dont need a 'child minder' I want a grandmother. She doesn't seem to stop even if I am visibly irritated and have overruled / ignored her instructions to me and the children. she doesnt seem capable of relaxing and enjoying her time with the kids she just goes into "Don't do that George" mode and parental worry frown face. Telling them to stop doing things, walking along a lowish flat wall or other perfectly innocuous activities is particularly irritating and rage inducing.

I know rationally that she obviously can't help it seeing as I am regularly telling her to stop or passive aggressive comments are made to dsis in the guise of a joke to lessen the tension. the morning we left - our booked train for the longest part of the journey was in the afternoon. we had a short bus journey and a longish local train journey to make to get to our connection. I was up early and was way ahead of schedule as I hate rushing with over tired children - so when mum arrived at the place we were staying an hour earlier than she said I did not appreciate it. when she made a comment about leaving the front door open so we did not have to fuss about unlocking doors when rushed out (in two hours ) I did not appreciate it. when she was sweeping the kitchen floor while I was trying to pack our food bag I did not appreciate that either. so I am leftfeeling an uncomfortable combination of guilty, ungrateful and immensely irritated.

Being a naturally laid back personality I don't enjoy having to constantly assert my position but I do it. However mum is already missing so much time with the children and for her sake I would love the childrens memories of their time with her to be of the fun activities and conversations they have had, not all the times she has tolf them off, brushed their hair while they cry about it and swept the floor rather than engaging with them. Let me be the bad guy

[Meerka]

Up to a point I don't think you can make her more laid back and enjoyable. It sounds like it's the pattern of many, many years and too deeply engrained to fully break free of.

Suspect this is a case of picking your battles. Letting the smaller stuff go, but standing your ground over who has final authority over the kids. That's the big battle. Repeating some of te phrases upthread helps, on the lines of "mum, I said he can have the crackers, please don't try to overrule that" helps with my adored-but-ahem-strongwilled MIL (and I do call her mum! :) )

[mustardtomango]

Can you sit her down and have a frank discussion? From your last post it reads a little like neither of you is having a great time. Maybe there's a way of reframing her idea of the grandparent role - when you are due to see her you could task her beforehand? 'mum, I'd really like your help with making everyone sandwiches / making sure Xxx has this and that with her / entertaining the children. I've got everything else covered but your help with these things would be brilliant'. She sounds like she feels a little direction-less.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Was her DM or MIL like this? Is she the sort to take advice from others gladly? Maybe you could pick a moment when your DCs are out of earshot and point out she can leave the parenting to you now, focus on being cuddly/approachable/fun granny because it's like a distorted echo if she and you are vying for supremacy.

[toyoungtodie]

As a MIL,PIL DM,and Grannie I know it is not easy. As a Grannie I get treated like an imbecile. Never mind that I have brought up lots of DC successfully ( (three doctors, lawyer, dentist etc) and held down a stressful managerial job etc. I watch my DIL's and DD's doing daft things with their DC. They refer constantly to the internet and if whoever on it tells them, then that is their law. In a few years they will be discussing what they did and ridiculing it,just as my generation do.
But back to your Mum, who I must say sounds amazingly unselfish and kind to you. She needs to bite her lip. The only way is to tell her straight in the kindest and most assertive way you can. She is over stepping the mark, but we all do it. Haven't you had a friend who has done the same thing? But you forgave her? Try and forgive your Mum, please.
Imagine what it would be like not to have your Mum in your life for a second.
Please give this lovely woman who loves you like you love your own children, the opportunity to put it right. Xxx for you as relationships are not easy.

[GrouchyKiwi]

We've been having the same issue with my PILs even though - - we've-- DH has spoken to them about it before. I've decided that I'll leave it because they just won't learn to step back, unless it's a big thing or DCs' behaviour deteriorates again.

[Nomama]

You know that comment you made "And one mum to rule them all"?

Run with it... get her a mug or something with it on, vistaprint or similar.

Turn it into a joke. She won't be able to stop, given her background, so it is up to you to see it differently. Eventually she may get it and relax into being Granny for some of the time.

Oh, and have you told her? Not the "cutting room floor" bit. But the bit where you say your heart breaks to see her miss those golden opportunities for cuddles and kisses and playing games with them.

[Lweji]

Do you have my mother?
Coming to 4 weeks holiday with parents now.
I am perfecting the straight look and raised eyebrow.

Today she was busy preparing breakfast to two DGC and getting me a mug. Why? I think she just goes on automated drive and doesn't think.
Her punishment is having to do most of it as I leave her to it.

[siilk]

I feel you pain. I am a pretty straight shooter so I just say something along the lines if 'No Mum, I call the shots now. I'm their mum'
Especially, with the old chestnut 'but what harm can it do?' As she tries to give them cake as dinner is being served (last week!)
My sister also gets in on the act!!!! Grrr. Luckily my MIL is fab and sanity saving

[madamweasel]

one mum to rule them all!

Love it! Could be my MIL

Totally sympathise with you but have been unsuccessful in trying to convince my DF or MIL to see/treat me as an adult/mother so far!

Good luck

[FrootLoopy]

Oh Gawd, sounds just like my mum!!!

I live on the other side of the world and so when I visit it's usually for about a month. One particularly memorable time she made 53 suggestions/corrections to me about DS in 1 hour - I had been gritting my teeth and counting them. Just shy of 1 a minute FFS!!!!!

We had the biggest screaming match EVER that trip. She accused me of never listening to her or taking her advice, I told her that although I'm sure there were some good bits in there, it was all just noise because she JUST DIDN'T STOP!

She became better after that, but the biggest improvement was when she finally realised that I was a proper grown up, when I made a trip there specifically to help sort some difficulties for them. Seeing me dealing with government agencies and bureaucracies day in and day out and winning when no one else managed finally got it to sink in to her head.