how do you get over someone stealing your dream?

[saltytears]

We were so in love. We made so many plans.

Now he is doing it all with someone else. Every dream we had, every plan we made - he is doing it all, just not with me.

They are calling their son the name we chose for our child (I miscarried).
They are emigrating to the country we visited and planned to move to.
He bought the house we looked at - but with her.

And they were MY dreams. Dreams I had and shared with him and thrn they became our dreams.

Now he has taken them all and is giving everything - all of it - to her.

I feel like my throat has been ripped out. Physically. Thats how I feel. We just spoke on the phone for the first time in months and he told me thry are moving in the New year, to my favourite city in the world, the place we planned to make our life.

How can anyone be so cruel? Just how?

I feel like I have to start all over again with new dreams and plans. But I am just broken.

[Vitalstatistix]

Im sorry. That must be painful.
Perhaps it would be best for you to tell him to not contact you again. You dont need to keep in touch.
How long ago did you and he split up?

[TakingTheStairs]

You can be glad that you're no longer with someone who is so clearly an absolute dickhead.

[Jan45]

Take heart, no doubt he will shit all over her dreams too.

You now make new dreams for yourself, you can still have them, with someone who actually deserves to have you.

[saltytears]

I have told him I do not want to stay in touch.

Its been two years. It hasnt been easy. Counselling hasnt really helped. I have found it hard to move on. I am seen as a strong, outgoing person by others but this has changed me fundamentally. It feels like a cruel joke.

[Bogeyface]

Living the dream with her wont be so much of a dream when he realises that none of it came from him. He will be the same person in the new city, he will be just as bad a husband to her as he was to you.

He is stealing your dream in the hopes it makes him into the person he wishes he was. It wont work and the dream will soon become a nightmare. She will learn soon enough what a prize she has, but I pity the child with that for a father.

[saltytears]

We werent married, although together a long time. He has married her quickly.

I paid for him to sit his Bar exams and to do a specialist conversion to practice in the US. Now he is going. He will have a brilliant career, a beautiful home.

It just makes me feel absolutely torn to shreds inside.

[BackforGood]

I'd say a good first step would be to stop following their life, so then you wouldn't know they were doing some of the things you'd talked about together.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I'm sorry you're having such a terrible time. The phrase that comes to mind is 'comparison in the thief of joy'. So yes, you have to drop contact with this person because there is no such thing as Karma or divine justice. Annoyingly, he will not be brought low in the interests of cosmic equilibrium and is very likely to skip off into the sunset and have a lovely, happy life regardless of the pain he has caused you. Who made the phone call telling you their plans? Him?

It takes time, effort, guts and determination to leave everything he represented in the past and forge a new & fulfilling life of your own. You will have new dreams and you will have experiences that are entirely yours. It's all you can realistically do.

[Bogeyface]

But he will still be him. All the careers and beautiful homes in the world wont change him from being a selfish broken person with no imagination. Lets face it, he cant think for himself can he?! He had no fucking idea what he wanted to took the plans he made with you because he couldnt think of anything else.

Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic.

And just because he has moved etc doesnt mean that you cant. Who said that just because he has adopted your dreams as his own, you cant still follow through with them?

[Bogeyface]

BackforGood She wasnt, he called her and told her. She has told him to not contact her again.

[morethanpotatoprints]

It must be upsetting for you and I can't imagine how you must feel.
They were your dreams though, not his, and this just shows how he hasn't an original thought in his head.
he will treat this woman the same as he did you and who knows it may not be a bed of roses when she finds her family and friends are far away.
I would be tempted to get in touch with her or post something on facebook as a friendly jib at him.

Hope you enjoy it in xxx, doing xxx and the house we chose will do you well etc. I told you our plans would work out.

Chances are the ow won't be happy they are planning to do the exact same thing he chose to do with you.

[ravenmum]

How can he do it?

Normally a person would be too devastated to "replace" a lost child, name and all. It would normally hurt too much.

So either he does not have normal feelings, and doesn't feel that hurt, in which case you are better off without him, however little that helps right now - or he does have normal feelings, can't cope with them and is doing all this to frantically tie them down and hide them in the basement. In which case he's not a very well man...

The new woman is not getting much out of this, is she? Many people end up living their spouse's dreams, which is itself a little sad if you don't happen to be as excited about them as your spouse. But she is living her spouse's ex-partner's dreams. Oh dear. Did your ex always get what he wanted?

They're not living your dreams; that's not a healthy dream life, there's something not quite right to it. I hope that you soon get (or already have) some new, healthy, happy dreams of your own, that have nothing to do with him.

[saltytears]

Thanks for all your replies. Having a huge cry at the the moment.

He called out of the blue. I havent spoken to him since January, and that was brief. He wanted to tell me himself that he was going, rather than me finding out from someone else, apparently.

I cut him off on social networking sites, deleted his email/phone number etc months and months ago. I do try so hard to focus on the good things in my life.

I felt such rage initially, maybe a year ago. Now I just feel overwhelming, aching sadness.

[saltytears]

Cant shake the feeling that I was a practice run. A crutch while he was doing all his career development. Financial support. A nice, devoted woman by his side through the hard times.

Then he got what he wanted - his career took off, his green card came through and he was off. Off with the woman he was waiting for. Not me.

[Jan45]

Sally, after today's self pity (totally justified btw) you dust yourself down and start again, people break up, future dreams are shattered, it's shit but it's life - and yes, he is still the same horrible person inside so you've lost nothing.

Don't give him any more of your time and tears, I doubt you were a practice run, it didn't work out, end of.

My ex went on to have a fabulous career down under etc, I didn't feel jealous or bitter, no point, you have to make yourself happy not look to others to do it for you.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Of course you're sad. The man sounds utterly thoughtless, very arrogant and extremely cruel. He didn't want you finding out from someone else? You mean he thought he was doing you a favour making that call? Pompous twat.... (A bit of rage might help here)

You'll get past this set-back, I'm certain of that. You never have to speak to him again if you don't want to - although I'm sure that's cold comfort at the moment. Fill your diary with interesting things and people who, unlike him, are capable of original thought. One day you'll thank your lucky stars you're not stuck in America with him. Good luck until that point.

[saltytears]

Thank you FabULouse.

Yes - it feels exactly like having my 'self' stolen. Thats it, exactly.

I have good friends and family. I have a son (not his) that I have to keep going for. I have a nice home and some financial security. I havent cracked up completely.

But my sense of enjoyment in things, my confidence, my sense of self and my sense of judgement - they're shot to bits. As soon as I am alone, I feel spaced out and it all still feels unreal. I feel robbed. Mugged, sort of.

I think he called out of pity, almost. He knows - senses - what this has done to me, but I dont think he has any idea how this has shaken me. He sounded guilty and cagey. I was very quiet. The call ended quickly as it was awkward.

I havent stopped crying since.

[areyoubeingserviced]

OP
You will have new dreams.
I know that it doesn't seem that way ATM , but you wait and see.

[saltytears]

I had the rage stage for a year after we split. I was absolutely furious, consumed with anger and hatred. I thought that was bad. It was so damaging to me. In the end I kind of burnt myself out with all the anger.
The sadness and self pity is much worse, though. Fuck. Its awful.

I know I need to get a grip. I am not a teenager. I cant waste my life mooning about over a man. But Jesus, its hard.

Thanks again all xx

[losthermind]

I completely empathise with you salty, and there are no words of consolation I can offer you that will make you feel brand new and over the trauma, don't let him win in making you feel inadequate and unworthy of fulfilling your dreams, think of the excitement of making new ones for yourself, and eventually letting the right person share them with you, he will be a distant memory to you one day, not worth thesis on the bottom of your shoe.....CHIN UP xx

[Owllady]

Oh saltytears, that all sounds very hard. Be kind to yourself xxx

My dad moved a woman into our family home and we all had to move out. He gave my mum some of her stuff, but this woman moved in, took my.mothers place almost, Sat on my mums sofa, polished my mums ornaments. She was like a robot. I never really understood their motivation. It did last that long, surprise, surprise. My mum moved on, met someone else and she is happy. She does what she wants to do. He's a miserable as sin and blames everyone else.

I know it's painful now, but with time it will get easier. It's just such a betrayal

[orangefusion]

Don't post anything even as a jib on FB or anywhere else. It will look like you are bitter. And you have every right to be bitter, every right but he does not need to see it and you dont need anyone else to see it either. He has pissed on your dream and made it your nightmare to have to see him doing it all with her.

I really feel for you, it feels so unfair and so cruel. The only thing that works is to cut yourself free of them and that means forgiving them- I dont mean that you have to minimise the hurt or make out that it is OK really. Forgiveness is an active choice, not a kindly feeling. Forgiveness is actions you take FOR YOU that cut the ties that still cause the pain. It allows hate to become indifference. You do not have to turn your cheek to be hit again, you turn your cheek AWAY from them and towards what is good and healthy for you.

Forgiveness feels like letting someone off the hook, or pretending that it was okay that they did what they did. But it is neither of these, it is the release you need to become free to love and trust again.

The irrational fear is that if we forgive, someone else will do “it” again—but the truth is, whether or not we forgive has nothing to do with controlling another person’s behavior.

People do what they do. The only person to let off the hook is ourselves, by not concerning ourselves with monitoring someone else’s behavior, or replaying the past.

Forgiveness is not reconcilliation, forgetting, condoning or justice. It is for you, to allow you to get on with the next part of your life free of the burden of pain.

All very nice words. The big step is how to do it? Make the choice, when the anger comes, push it away, when the temptation to "pick the scab" comes, ask it to leave your thoughts. Have no contact with him. Find new things to do and new dreams of your own and pursue them.