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Money money money :(

50 replies

pearsandpickle · 20/08/2014 12:55

Name changed for this.

Short story...

We are spiralling more and more into debt and keep arguing about it. We have more than enough money coming in which leaves us over £100 a week for food etc and dh and I both have equal spending money. Or we did - before something major happened with our home (£5k worth of work) that used all our savings and tipped us into the red.

Now we cannot seem to get out of it. It's just one thing after another and dh and I keep arguing over what is acceptable spending etc and how to manage it.

For example, we have two dc. The eldests birthday was this week (12). We took them shopping to spend their birthday money and also buy school shoes for them. Dc has very wide feet and standard shoes do not fit. We went into 20 shops. We ended up back in a particular shop. The only shoes that fitted properly were £50. I got them for dc because to me it's important they fit well and good shoes will last for school rather than buying several pairs.

Dh visibly groaned and seemed really pissed off. We then returned back to the car and found we had been charged a lot more for parking than we thought. Yes we should have checked but we normally park there and it's never been that much before. We got stung hugely..

Then (!) We came home to find our oven has broken. It will cost about £100 to fix. We have no savings and are already £800 overdrawn so we will have to either add this to the overdraft or to a credit card (owe about £2k on one card).

The main problem I have is dh just totally overreacts in my opinion. Yes it's horrible being in debt and yes I want to sort it out but dh will literally go into a huge rage or massive sulk - leaving dc feeling awful after spending birthday money for example (money that others had given - we only gave a small amount ourselves) and is now hardly talking to any of us.

Yes we have debt. We can manage it if we buckle down to it. I have worked out a budget and I think we can crack it but dh is so negative it's like the world has ended.

Am I being unreasonable to be more laid back about this? He keeps saying I don't allow him to be angry but I just think what is the point of being angry over sodding money when we have debt but it's at a manageable level and we have a tiny mortgage compared to most people (under £200 a month).

I don't even know what im asking. I just feel so fed up with him going on and on about it. And I feel bad for dc about the school shoes when they really needed them and dh will think nothing of spending that much on shoes for himself.

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pearsandpickle · 20/08/2014 12:56

Gosh that sounds like we bought school shoes for the birthday. ... I just meant we did it whilst out at the same time!

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Jan45 · 20/08/2014 13:00

Sorry don't have time to properly reply but your oven might just need a new element, I got mine off the internet for about £12 and you can change it yourself.

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Jan45 · 20/08/2014 13:01

You sound like his mother and he sounds like one big huffy baby, tell him to knuckle down with you and keep to the budget or bugger off, you don't need that, it's his debt too!

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OhMyArsingGodInABox · 20/08/2014 13:01

First if all, open a 0% credit card and switch everything to that, overdrafts are expensive.

Barclaycard is offering 33 months 0% at the moment for eg.

Then sort out your budget including contingencies, and work out how much you can throw at the debt without leaving yourselves short every month.

Then take a percentage of that and use it as savings. It may seem counter intuitive to save while you have debt but having a cushion means you won't accrue more debt so it's sensible.

And then tell your dh to chill the fuck out. Your mortgage is a fraction of most peoples so a bit of manageable credit card debt is not a problem.

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Jan45 · 20/08/2014 13:02

Actually disgusting going in the huff over your son's birthday

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FrootLoopy · 20/08/2014 13:06

Sure he can get angry, and go out fir a run or something and work it out of his system.

He CAN'T take the anger out on the rest of the family - that's not on at all!

You're not taking a chilled approach, you're taking a sensible approach.

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pearsandpickle · 20/08/2014 13:08

Thanks. We have a 0% card. I have been reluctant to put the overdraft into it as crazy as it seems because every month we pay enough into the account to clear it for at least half of it and I thought if we transferred it again we'd just end up in the same situation (this is the 2nd time we've ended up in overdraft again like this).

Thanks re the oven I will have a look for the element thing and see what I can do.

I know part of it is that he seems to blame me for overspending on the house account (we pay everything into a joint account then split an amount to spend equally and I use house / joint account to buy food etc etc). I really struggle to spend less than our budget for the week as with dc at home during the holidays etc and needing things for school it's so fucking hard. He keeps saying he'll give me some of his "spending money" as I often use some of mine but he seems to resent it whereas I just think oh well I'll use it if you see what I mean.

Every thing we buy he looks at the price and seems surprised by the cost...! Dc got something yesterday (with a voucher that dhs parents gave by the way- not even our money!) And in front of dc did commented how expensive it was!

Yes stuff costs! I do shop at aldi and on ebay etc but some things I've had to buy - one dc is going up to high school and their uniform alone has cost £150.

I just keep thinking would other people behave like he does? I think people have far worse situations than us for gods sake.

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Jan45 · 20/08/2014 13:10

Sounds like YOU are putting in all the hard work whilst he sits back and criticises, what an absolute drain he must be to live with.

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areyoubeingserviced · 20/08/2014 13:15

Next time let him do the bloody shopping. He will realise that you are not being frivolous with money.
Then you too can complain about the spending

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Frontier · 20/08/2014 13:15

I imagine he feels very stressed about the whole thing and maybe, as husband/father feels the responsibility is his to provide better which adds to the pressure. I know he shouldnt but if that's how he feels telling him he's wrong won't help.

Of course he mustnt behave like that in front of dc - if my ds1 had head that he would offer us his birthday money which would be heartbraking.

Is it possible to have a proper talk about how he's feeling, acknowledge that those feelings are real/understandable and find better ways to deal with them.

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PurpleWithRed · 20/08/2014 13:19

He's being a knob. Being angry is fine, being sulky and angry with all you lot is unacceptable.

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pearsandpickle · 20/08/2014 13:21

Funny enough I actually said to him last night if you think you can do a better job with the house account then have the card and off you go. Funny enough he didn't say much! I don't think he has any idea how much it costs generally just to live. Last week dc were away on a trip and dh wanted a roast dinner, fair enough but there was only the two of us and £7 for a joint is ridiculous when he also ate it in one sitting so none for left overs etc.

I admit some of the spending is down to me. I do probably spend too much on stuff for dc that are non essentials but at the detriment of myself - I have one pair of shoes (!) And about 4 tops!

I'm going to re do a budget tonight and see if dh is willing to talk. I'm dreading seeing him to be honest. When he's like this the most I will get out of him is a "yep" if I ask him if he wants a tea.

God I sound like an absolute doormat.

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Bogeyface · 20/08/2014 13:21

I have noticed that some people think being angry means you have the right to have a go at anyone in the vicinity. I agree with the PP that said he has the right to be angry but he doesnt have the right to take it out on you.

We cant help how we feel, sometimes I get angry at the shit situation we are in, but I dont blame anyone (well, apart from the cunts who made H redundant illegally) and I dont take it out on anyone.

I think you need to make it clear that you acknowledge how he feels but that you will not accept you and the kids being balled out everytime he gets pissed off. And pull him up on it everytime he does.

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pearsandpickle · 20/08/2014 13:22

One of last nights best lines was "I'm sick of it, we're playing at middle class and we're not middle class at all".

I mean who the fuck actually cares.

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GlaceDragonflies · 20/08/2014 13:27

Wait until you have got more money and then get the oven fixed rather than going into more debt. You can cook lots of lovely meals on the hob - fajitas, bolognese, stir fries, casseroles, home made soups etc etc.
We only use the oven when we're doing pizzas, the occasional lasagna and if I am making bread.

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Bogeyface · 20/08/2014 13:28

Bollocks, what he is playing is the wounded victim with no actual wound and nothing to feel victimised about.

Shit happens, and it really winds me up when some people take that as "the whole universe is out to get me!" Really? You think that you are that important that the powers of the universe broke your oven? I dont think so!

My friends DH is like this, I dont know how she lives with it!

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Chunderella · 20/08/2014 13:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Imbroglio · 20/08/2014 13:37

He sounds stressed.

I get very tetchy when things feel out of control and maybe he just can't see a way through this at the moment.

I don't think being angry with him or dismissing his worries is going to help matters.

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Frontier · 20/08/2014 13:39

Pears, i can (kind of) see what he means there. Eg 50 for school shoes might seem normal and sensible to you for the reasons you set out and if you're from a family where that was the norm (like mine). However a good proportion of families it would be out of the question.

I can be prone to the horror at what things cost. It's not really that I'm shocked that the person bought it, it's that i know what that money cost me - how hard i worked to earn it and how much the family budget would miss it iyswim.

Fwiw when we were in a similar position we stopped all spend except food and absolute essentials for dc. I wouldst be buying and bits and pieces fir dc or having spends until sorted. You'll find dc don't miss it - we do it for our benefit , not theirs really.

He's very wrong to behave the way he is but i can see how he's feelings

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teacherwith2kids · 20/08/2014 13:41

Just as a brief question - why does your DH have 'spending money' (as in non-house, non-dc money that is 'his to spend') if you are in such difficulty in terms of managing house, food etc?

What does he spend it on? if it is ptrol to get to work, for example, that's obviously fine. If it's 'sandwich money' for lunches at work, then it might be better to pay it into the household pot and take sandwiches in from the household food. if it is 'personal clothes and beer' money, then you can't afford to give him his spending money at the moment......

If you do a budget 'from the ground up' (as in, putting every penny that comes in into the 'money to be accounted for' pot), then once

  • Mortgage
  • Utility and other bills
  • Servicing unavoidable debt
  • Food budget
  • Essential clothes budget
  • Travel money

and a small amount of contingency
is taken out, then you have 'discretionary money'. It may be that you choose to use muych of it to reduce your debt. It may be that the vast majority of that is spent on your DCs (but you have to decide that together). It may be that you get an amount 'for anyone to spend', which could include an amount for you to 'spioil' the dcs a bit, and an amount for your DP to spend on himself.

But it may be that you have no discretionary money, in which case your DP will have to give up 'his spending money' and you may have to give up purchasing anything non-essential.

Detailed budgeting is very, very boring, but sadly vital!
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DocDaneeka · 20/08/2014 13:43

I'd second not bothering with the oven till you have the cash. It's cheaper to cook on the hob anyway.

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BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 20/08/2014 13:44

Getting out of debt should be a Number One Priority, and anyone who doesn't think so is a bloody fool. Clawing your way out of debt is hard, hard, hard. But if both parties in a marriage aren't pulling together in the same direction it will feel like it's not worth it. If you're spending your share of the disposable income on essentials then the housekeeping budget isn't enough. So, he needs to sacrifice some of his discretionary spends just like you have done.

By the same token, the kids can't have anything they don't absolutely need right now. Everyone needs to do without some of the things they want for a bit.

See if you can get by without the oven until next pay-day at the very least. While it's not working you won't be able to splash out SEVEN QUID on the meat for one meal for two people. I'd say that's just crazy under current circs.

Moaning and sulking is easy and actually doing something about it is hard. He's not your child, he's supposed to be a man. He should try acting like one some time.

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pearsandpickle · 20/08/2014 13:47

Yes you're right. He is stressed. Maybe I am being a little unfair. I admit I'm using this to rant and I will take a deep breath and try and have a proper discussion later.

I am stressed too however. I don't mind the debt that we have but I don't want it to get any worse!

He doesn't have a clue what anything costs. He's just generally a misery I think. Dc has a friend over today and dh has already moaned to me about it (not in front of dc). I'm not super keen on friends coming round either but I smile and get on with it because it's important to dc. He will come home from work with a face like a sour lemon instead of being positive etc.

I just feel worn down with it all. I know some of it is that dh is unhappy at work, he is applying for other jobs. I am also looking for work - I used to earn more than dh but then I got made redundant and then developed serious health issues and so I haven't worked for the last 3 years. I'm not even sure if I can physically work - I am still quite unwell to be honest but if it takes some of the pressure of dh I am willing to give it a go if I can.

I just don't want to argue every single time I get my card out!

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pearsandpickle · 20/08/2014 13:50

Thank you for all your replies. And I appreciate the ones who have also given me a nudge as well. I know it has to be a joint effort.

The spending money was something we started before we had the debt and you're right it needs to stop really. It is daft having spending money at all if there is debt to be paid off. Dh then comes out with he doesn't think life is worth living if he can't have the odd treat as well... (melodramatic but I get what he means).

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Chunderella · 20/08/2014 13:56

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