Flashbacks to abusive relationship 6 years on

[NoArmaniNoPunani]

I'm happily married to a wonderful man but 6 years ago I was in a horribly emotionally abusive relationship with a man who did his best to destroy me.

I've had counselling and moved on but just occasionally I'll have flashbacks to things he's said or done and I'll cry about it. Just the sheer cruelty that someone could show to another person. There's no feeling of love or wanting to be with him.

How can I move on from this? It's not affecting my life or relationship in a major way but I do feel on some level it's a betrayal of my husband that an ex can still illicit such a response from me.

[NoArmaniNoPunani]

This is one of the few serious posts I've made on here but I didn't want to name change.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I'm sorry you had such a nasty experience. I think it's quite normal that you still remember some of the events. No amount of counselling can make you forget or make you 'un-feel' the injustice or - as you say - the misery of knowing that one human being can be so consciously cruel to another.

Does your husband know what happened? Friends? Family? Or is it something that you have largely kept to yourself and your counsellor? Was the man who abused you ever brought to book and paid for his treatment of you or has he gone on to lead a charmed life?

I think 'move on' is possibly not the right term in this kind of situation. It's going to be more about acceptance I think. Accepting that something horrible happened and you were very unlucky to meet such a person, but that it is part of your life experience, it hasn't destroyed you and you have gone on to make the best of the hand you were dealt.

[myfriendflickadee]

Sorry to post and run, try googling EMDR - you might find that helps you deal with traumatic memories.

[NoArmaniNoPunani]

My family know some of it, as does my husband but I don't think I want to admit how much it still affects me. I feel that after all this time I should be over it more.

The man in question doesn't live in this country and I don't know how his life panned out.

You're right, I need to reach acceptance. I feel a bit of a failure that I'm not there yet.

[cailindana]

I was abused as a child and I get flashbacks. It used to be more often but they've calmed down a lot now, usually only once every few years, but they are awful and hit me like a ton of bricks. Acceptance is a very tough thing, I think, as it is basically accepting that someone can and will hurt you very badly, even when they claim to love you and care about you.

I have found that telling people about the abuse has helped. It's less burdensome and loses some of its mystery and secrecy which makes it less scary. Also, seeing other people's reactions to what happened was very healing, mainly because my mother's reaction was to dismiss it. Seeing other people get upset and angry confirmed to me that what happened was out of the ordinary and wrong and that not everyone would do those things. It reassured me I suppose.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think you should trust your family and your husband a little more - unless you have reason to believe that they would be unsympathetic. If you'd been in some horrendous accident or survived a very dangerous disease six years ago, I don't think anyone would suggest that you should be totally 'over it'. Doesn't make you a failure or disloyal if it still affects you every now and again

I have a particularly good friend who was on the spot when I was having the worst experience of my life - 20 years ago now. We don't talk about it as a matter of course but if I get the flashbacks you describe, I tend pick up the phone to her and we have a short conversation. It's enough reassurance for me to talk to someone who remembers what happened. Otherwise it's quite a lonely feeling. Does that make sense?

[BertieBotts]

I also left an abusive relationship nearly five years ago now and although most of the time I'm fine, I totally overreacted to something that happened the other day because it reminded me of an incident with XP, and also the other week I had nightmares about XP chasing, shouting and threatening me after watching a programme with an unexpected (and unnecessary, IMO, but that's for another thread) scene of male violence against women.

It's horrible :( I'm glad that they don't affect me most of the time but it's just shit having to still live with it all these years later.

[NoArmaniNoPunani]

Cailin: I've read posts from you before and feel humbled that you've posted here. You are amazingly strong to survive what you did. What I experienced is no where near what you have.

Cogito: you're right. My husband would be totally sympathetic and I should confide in him about it.

Thanks for posting, this is the first time I've posted about something serious on MN and it's really helpful to get such a caring response

[cailindana]

On a serious note, there is a real tendency among survivors of all types of abuse to say "it wasn't as bad as..." One important aspect of acceptance is acknowledging that it was abuse, it was bad, and it shouldn't have happened. Telling other people can help a lot with that as their reactions say a lot.

If you would like to talk about it here, there are always people to listen, including me.