Advice - friend in EA relationship?

[ProfanityMere]

I'm worried a friend of mine may be in an EA relationship and I want to speak to her about it but don't know how or where to start. Quick background, we were pretty good friends who met through work about 15 years ago. She met her DP about ten years ago and tbh, he always seemed like a bit of a cock. My friend is probably the most selfless lovely person I know, but due to a traumatic childhood she has confidence issues.

Friend and I kind of drifted a little just through geography only manage to meet up a couple of times a year over the last few years.

A couple of weeks ago I met up with her and her DP. I was horrified - she tiptoed around him trying to appease him. He put her down constantly and took every opportunity to mock her to make himself look good (so he thought). She also told me she's been desperate for kids (she's given up on marriage hopes) but every time she raises it with DP he says he does want kids but before he could contemplate it he needs to know she'll be more domestic, less grumpy in the mornings, more committed to sharing his interests etc. She told me this as if it was completely normal and because she was "really trying to change". So as not to drip feed they are both successful professionals in their 40s, and they've been living together for years.

I want to broach the fact that I think this might not be a healthy relationship, and that she doesn't have to live this way, but have no idea how to do so, especially as I feel like I've not been a good enough friend recently to have earned that position of trust.

Any advice from the wise MN counsel would be appreciated. I don't want to get this wrong.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You could ask her if she's happy. Is she happy that he mocks her? Is she happy that there are all these conditions to having children? Is she happy that she's expected to make all these personality changes? If he's that unpleasant in public, chances are he's 10 x worse behind closed doors.

I think you only get a few chances to express concern to someone before they switch off, block you out and scuttle back into their cage. This is one of them. If you haven't seen her for a while you're entitled to say that you're really worried about the way he treats her.

[BlackDaisies]

You sound like a lovely friend and you're right to want to say something. Saying that you don't feel she has to put up with his behaviour is good, as is saying that you'll be there for her if she needs a bolt hole or someone to talk to.

Just be prepared for her not to want to hear it, or even becoming annoyed with you. She has to believe there's a problem and want to leave before she can talk about it. If she's talking about wanting children she's probably still deluding herself.

The best thing you can do right now is be there for her. Call or text her regularly, and arrange nights out or coffees. The best support is family and friends who refuse to "go away" and stick around with constant friendship.

[heyday]

Just come out and ask her if she is ok only that she seemed a bit down the last time you saw her. Ask if everything is going ok with her DP. It needs to be fairly low key. Be ready to listen but I very much doubt she will open up. She is probably perfectly used to his rotten treatment by now and just accepts how it is. I can imagine that she is getting quite despondent about the whole baby thing as time is ticking away now for her.
What may seem awful to you may well be perfectly acceptable to her, especially if she has low self esteem and has been ground down over the years.
You are a good friend but you need to accept that you may not be able to help her at all. Just carry on being a good friend as she is going to need those over the next few years.

[ProfanityMere]

Thanks for the replies, I really appreciate the advice and insight. I was wondering if I actually just need to be a more "present" friend for a few months before I broached anything so that's interesting what you say daisies.

The time before last that I saw her (without DP) she said things weren't great and she was going to suggest counselling. When I asked her about it this time she said they'd worked through some stuff but then got to the bit about her having to change - nothing about him changing. Sigh.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's never recommended to go for couples counselling when there is bullying, abuse or similar present. Bullies never believe they are in the wrong and therefore have no intention of changing. They will sit in the sessions falsely appearing to go along with it all whilst, at the same time, gathering lots of juicy info about the other party's insecurities.

One suggestion for your friend (if it comes up) is to consider personal counselling. You say she has confidence issues and that sounds like an understatement.