My parents hate my ex

[Freebirdy]

So, tiny bit of background. I was with my ex for 4 years, we lived together and had a DC together. A few weeks ago we broke up (his choice but I agreed it was right). Very amicable, we're both happier single, have actually had some nice days out together since and he's started counselling as he's depressed.

My parents were furious when we broke up (totally with him, thinking he had dumped me for no reason blah blah). I got no blame at all. I tried to set the record straight when my dad asked how furious he should be and I explained, we just have fallen out of love and are happier being friends with a child.

They're still being really difficult, for example, dad was meant to be helping me do some house stuff but now won't in case he bumps into xDP. Never mind that me and xdp are ok... I don't know how to explain to the parents that they shouldn't hate him!

Dad and him were like best friends before this happened. I suspect it's partly because my parents have been together since 16 and don't understand why every relationship isn't like theirs.

It was kind of down to mn that we split up. I suddenly realised how controlling he was as a partner!

I was going to put this in AIBU. But I'm scared of them.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

Maybe they're trying to let go of the son-in-law relationship in the only way they know how to. For some people, there has to be one party in the wrong to bring a relationship to an end, and as they're your parents, it can't be you.

[Freebirdy]

Hmm, true. It's making things really difficult though. I really need to be friends with my ex for DC sake of nothing else. Gah!

[MirandaWest]

My parents pretty much hate my XH tbh. Although they weren't best friends with him either. There have been some occasions when they've needed to see him and it is very awkward. I wish they'd be a bit more grown up about it but I guess that they are always going to side with me.

[Freebirdy]

But there don't need to be sides. That's what is doing my head in. Would they prefer we stayed together just to make them happy? We don't live each other.

[toyoungtodie]

freebirdy this situation has happened to you and also happened to your parents as well. It hasn't happened in isolation. You and your DP were probably discussing it for months beforehand. To your parents it may have appeared to happen suddenly. Perhaps they need a some time to get used to the idea. Your Dad may feel angry and embarrassed and not know what to say to your X.
Over the years ,as a lot of people are not marrying until they are older , you meet many of your DC's prospective partners. As parents You are expected to get on with them and welcome them into your home.
Then, when your DC breaks up with them you are not allowed or expected to have a relationship with their X however close and fond of them you have been. It is not always easy if you really liked the girl or boyfriend.
I think your parents will get over this,they just need time.

[Freebirdy]

Thanks too young. You're right, it has happened to them. It would just be so much easier if they listened to be.

[cailindana]

I think you just need to ignore any childish behaviour as much as you can and keep reiterating "this is the best thing for us, we are happier this way." For some people relationship breakdown (either for themselves or family memebers) is very shameful and embarrassing and they automatically look for blame. It is probably hard for them to imagine a situation where two people get on perfectly well but don't suit each other as partners. Also as toyoung said, their situation has been changed unexpectedly too so they're reacting to that.

Don't get into any discussions about it, just carry on as you are and keep the door open for them to come back to normal when they've got their head round everything.

[heyday]

Wonderful post toyoungtodie, very wise.
I suggest that you sit down with parents again and re iterate that this separation is what you BOTH want and that you and your ex are still very good friends. Ask them very clearly to treat ex with respect and say that they have no reason to be angry, they have every right to be upset though and you need to recognise that. Many parents are so happy when their children settle down with, what seems, the ideal partner, they feel that their job of provider and protector is over. This illusion has now been shattered. Many parents do not realise how the modern world works and that women are perfectly capable of looking after them self in all ways.
They feel very protective of you and feel that your ex has broken up with their beloved daughter. As they have stayed together for many years then the concept of a woman being by herself is very alien to them.
Perhaps you could have more success with a heart to heart with your mum who may then be able to get the message through to your dad.
It might be worth putting ex in the picture incase he does come in contact with them again.
Life has suddenly changed, what they thought was secure, infact isn't. Keep talking to them, try to listen to their point of view too and just give them time to come to terms with it all. They obviously love you to bits but they are struggling with this at the moment.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I don't think you can dictate how other people should feel. You say he was a controlling partner & you only realised after reading something on MN. To me, that's not someone you really want to be especially friendly with as controlling behaviour tends to carry on long after the official relationship has ended. Strikes me you were dishonest with your Dad if you said you'd simply grown apart. Why haven't you told them the truth?

You may think you're all OK with it now and acting quite voluntarily but if you wish to carry on having a relationship with your ex is driving a wedge with your family, and you're covering up for him then those are fairly classic ways that controlling men retain control.

Be careful he's not still running your life.