Sorry for the long post, this is the shortened version but I really need help so I guess it's only right that I give you the background/context.
For the last 30 years my mum and I have had a very strained relationship. From when I hit my teenage years I knew I had a very difficult road ahead of me in terms of carving out a future for myself, being happy, meeting someone and settling down etc. i.e. the simple things in life.
My biggest problem is one that is completely out of my hands and pure fate; I am the youngest of four children, the only girl and have a muslim background, my parents were born in pakistan, so cultural ways/social status/other relatives views play a very strong role in 'my' upbringing compared to my brothers who were allowed to do exactly what they wanted growing up. We grew up in London, neither my brothers or I practice islam but my parents do.
My parents, mainly driven by my mum did everything in their power to get me to live their dream which consisted of getting married to a decent muslim man early on, moving back to pakistan and having babies and being a home maker. I have nothing against this, however, having had the opportunity to grow up in London, I wanted a different life and knew there was more out there.
Growing up we used to play outside most days with the other kids and have lots of fun. However, when I hit my teenage years that all stopped and when I asked why my mum would always say 'you're different' you have to stay home, but my brothers could still play out. I never quite knew what she meant until my first trip to pakistan when I was 13 that I noticed all my girl cousins would only go out to attend school, otherwise they would stay at home and only then it dawned on me that it was because I was a girl 'I was different'.
Throughout my school years I was often sick and absent from school which I put down to my very stressful and restricted home life. I was diagnosed with IBS at 17 years at a time when no one really new what IBS was. Throughout my life up to then my parents never encouraged me to study or have hobbies and I was quite a depressed teenager. From the outside you would never know, but on the inside I had very little confidence, was lost as my future looked very bleak and had no idea what to do. I was seeing a counsellor by now. My brothers were too busy enjoying themselves to bother about me.
Further down the road my brothers had girlfriends, brought them home to meet the family, but whenever I even suggested the same for me my parents would say 'no, you're different you cannot do that' and this had a huge impact on my confidence. I did have relationships but none of them lasted long as my parents would interfere and make it difficult.
Despite all this I managed enroll into colleague and start a diploma/work experience course and this is when my parents felt very threatened because I was educating myself and had my own money. Around half way through my course and as they saw me changing and gaining more independence, my parents and I went on a family holiday to pakistan that lasted 3 years. In these three years they wanted me to get married and settle. Despite immense pressure and I mean immense as it is suddenly the interests of the entire extended family that I should do as your parents wish I managed to return to the UK. The years/decades that followed this were horrendous and coupled with a lot of counselling, I found it near impossible to wrap my head around the fact that the two people who I am suppose to trust the most betrayed me on such a level. I no longer knew who to trust and this had quiet an impact of relationships. On returning to the UK one of my brothers was very supportive and helped me settle but the other two had moved on and were busy with their own lives.
Throughout my life I have always helped my mum whenever she needed help in the hope that one day she would just accept me for who I am, love me and we would have a healthy relationship, but her love has always been conditional and based on very unreasonable conditions in my opinion. My brothers have never really featured as they can never do any wrong and I am sick of seeing them and their families (my brothers have married non asian muslims) being fully welcomed into my parents home and cooked for etc.
I have spent half of my life trying to get my mum to love me for who I am; hard working, respectful of people and always willing to help others. My brothers have no idea what I have been through and am going through and have never thought to intervene and help my cause. At the age of 40 I met the man of my dreams, of course my mum did not approve as no one will be good enough for her in her eye, I married him and we now have a gorgeous cheeky daughter of 3 years. I decided it was time to move away completely and start fresh away from all family away from any opinions/history and negative energy.
I stopped nearly all contact with my mum as it just got horrible and she is an expert manipulator. I have contact and good relationships with relatives in pakistan as they know my mum can be stubborn. What hurts the most is my brothers who have done the bare minimum to help her have full regular contact with her and she welcomes them into her home. Whereas whenever I muster up the energy to call her I just get abuse about how I am such a bad selfish person and a total disappointment. My brothers fail to see the expectations that she put on me where just impossible to meet and even if I did exactly what she wanted there would be another list of expectations. I know I am partly to blame as I let her treat me like this for so long, but I guess it is every girls wish to have a happy relationship with their mum especially where kids are involved. My mum refuses to acknowledge my family and refuses to meet my daughter.
My problem now is that I find it very difficult to move on? What is the conversation that I need to have with myself to push this whole experience to the back of my mind and put the lid on it? Apart from write a letter to my mum but not post it (advice of previous counsellor) are there other things that I can do to ease this pain? Also I would like to maintain some kind of relationship with my brothers (I think) but find it difficult as they could of done a lot more. How can I do this?
Has anyone else had similar experiences? Thank you for reading and any advice.
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Fall out with mum, pls help me to move on??
twinkletwinklepops · 19/08/2014 11:45
Your brothers have been victims of the cultural stereotyoping the same as you have and while they are are now grown men and could stand up for you more - they have been brought up to believe that you were different.
I worked with a muslim girl of Pakistan origin, she lived in a different part of the UK to her family and was incredibly lonely, but couldn't move back to her home city as to do so and not live at home would be shameful to her parents - even though she had lived independantly for many years at that point. Her parents loved and supported her in her work, but still would not accept her living close to home as a single woman and away from the family home.
I think she was a pioneer, and that you are too. 50 yrs ago in the western world women were very much undeducated compared to men and expected to be homemakers - it took brave and determined women to break away from the norm to start the cultural revolution for equality.
For muslim women living in western societies this process is very much still in it's infancy, but I believe things will catch up. You are one of the brave determined women branching out and your actions will make the world a better place for your DD and many others - be proud 
As for your Mum, she is struggling with the 2 cultures and it's horrible that her own insecurities and confusion affected your upbringing and confidence, but they are HER issues and possibily something she will never manage to reconcile. I have no real advice, but wanted to know that you should be very proud and like I said, you are a pioneer.
twinkle I've not spoke to my mother in 12 years. I do however get pangs where I miss her, but in reality I miss the mum I should have had.
I had to tell my self (and it took along time for it to sink in) that my mother was toxic, I couldn't change her, she was toxic towards my dd1. That my life was better off with out her in it. That she brought no happiness to my life, no matter how many times I tried to 'fix' it.
I had to remind my self that even seeing my mother for a very short time or a quick phone call I was in emotional turmoil and often took it out on my family.
I didn't have a big flare up, I just stopped calling and she actually ever called me back. She sent word through my db that she was angry, upset , ill ( which is a firm favorite) but I ignored. My db later went nc with her and were are very close now.
I some times get upset I don't have the cosy Dm you see on the adverts but now I'm older, 35, I've realised id rather have no relationship with my mother than a mother that is toxic and horrible.
Toxic parents is a great book. Hope your ok 
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