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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I need to kick him out but I know he won't go

54 replies

greenroom · 16/08/2014 00:48

Have nc for this.

We've been together 19 years, have 2 DS aged 9 and 11, not married but own a mortgaged house jointly.

He's always been an immature and selfish person. He displayed behaviour within the first couple of years which should have had me running for the hills but he apologised (cried sometimes) and so I always gave him another chance. Was a complete bastard when I was pregnant with DS1, even telling me once that he had never wanted him anyway. When I had SPD he told me not to be so melodramatic, that millions of women all over the world were pregnant and basically just get on with it. When I slept in the spare room during this time, that was wrong. Yet when I was crying with the pain while in bed with him he'd complain that I was keeping him awake.

DS1 was born 5 weeks prematurely, and I spent 2 weeks in hospital with him. Partner came to the hospital (a 30 minute journey) every evening after work, but never let me forget how knackered he was going to work every day and then coming down to the hospital every evening. When DS1 was 4 months old I resumed a social activity which provided us with an extra income each week. I lost count of the number of times he would ring me to say that DS was crying, he couldn't do anything with him, and that I should be at home with him because he needed his mother. I did actually continue this activity until DS was 15 months, but then resigned because of the pressure.

Fast forward a few years and we have DS2. When DS2 is around 3 partner starts going out more, then starts becoming secretive with his phone and suddenly becomes happier. I overhear phone conversations which, from the tone of his voice, are not with any of his male friends. He pops out more with the flimsiest excuse, comes home in the early hours (or actually normal waking hours) of sunday morning. When I did confront him, having gathered evidence from his mobile phone account, he starts crying and tells me that because of all the pressure of having to provide for his family he's started taking cocaine and that the number he's been calling (for hours at a time) and texting several times a day, is a dealer. He carried on with his behaviour though, and one night I locked him out, after warning him that I would if he wasn't home by a certain time. At the time we had an outer and inner front door, both of which locked. I heard him trying the main front door, then the back door, then he tried my mobile, then the house phone, then my mobile. Then the shouted threats started. I had 2 young children asleep in the house and he was threatening my life. I called the police. He pushed his way into the house through 2 locked doors and threatened me, told me I was being completely irrational. The police turned up, put him into their car, and came in to assure me that they would put him somewhere safe for the night.

I fucking took him back.

I started another job outside of my main job and he persuaded me to take out a car loan for an audi. We had a perfectly good car that would have lasted us a good few years, but I went along with what he wanted. It cost us £300 pounds every month which was based on perceived income from my second job, but that didn't work out and so we've ended up in financial difficulties, which 5 years later I'm still paying off.

During the time I was doing a second job, he was still seeing this other woman (he denied it but it was pretty obvious). I tried being more attentive, dressing provocatively, sending sexts etc, but I knew that it was still going on. I decided to leave. My mother was expecting me, the car was packed, the kids looking forward to staying with their grandmother for a while. He turned up early from work. Dragged the kids into the house, making the eldest cry. So I stayed. I made it clear that I wanted nothing to do with him, that it was just for the kids. A few weeks later I fell and broke my right arm really badly. I was dependent on him for a good few weeks. Things actually seemed to improve after this. He would still turn things around that I was to blame for the way he behaved, that some past perceived misdemeanour on my part was the cause of his behaviour.

If he does anything to help around the house, he has to have a pat on the back for it - I've cleared the table for you, I've filled the dishwasher for you

By the way, we're still paying for the bloody audi that he wanted, even though it was repossessed.

Over the last few years he has actually improved. I thought he was starting to grow up (he's 45). A couple of months ago he joined a gym and went with a couple of the men from work, which I don't have a problem with at all ( he needs to lose weight). Wednesday, I noticed £20 missing from my purse, when I asked him he said it was for some weight loss supplements that he bought from the boys, who had told him that they were legit. Turns out they are anabolic steroids. I went ballistic, told him what a stupid twat he was, did he realise that if he had suffered a fatal heart attack or stroke because of these that it would make his life insurance invalid, that he wasn't thinking about his children's future at all. His answer was to tell me that when I had taken voluntary redundancy a few years ago I hadn't even discussed it with him, when we'd actually talked about nothing else for a good few weeks. As it was, the voluntary redundancy provided me with a year's worth of income, which allowed me to build up the business which I have now, which provides almost double the income I was on before. Today he slammed down an empty pill bottle in front of me, but it looks like an old one. He told me he's thrown the lot away. I don't believe him.

It's always been his habit that when he does something wrong today that he will throw in something that I supposedly did years ago.

With this steroid business this week, I really really don't want to be with him anymore.

I've looked on various websites and I think I would actually be better off financially without him.

DS1 is starting comp in September. He is dyslexic, has very low self-esteem (probably from living with such a toxic father - did I say that he's grumpy most of the time and when he's not grumpy he's in a foul mood?)

I used to be an outgoing confident person, but over the last ten years I have turned into a recluse. I have no friends. I have no feeling of self worth. I look at my children and I see DS1 with educational and emotional problems, DS2 is a clone of his father, and I just want to curl up in bed and never get out again.

I'm sorry for such a long post, and I probably haven't even touched on how stupid I feel for putting up with this for so long. I know what I need to do but he makes me feel as if I'm blowing everything out of proportion.

If somebody came to me, or I read it on here, I know exactly what I would tell them. So why can't I do it? Why can't I just tell him to fuck off out of my life?

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LegoCaltrops · 16/08/2014 01:00

He's cheated on you, minimised the problems you had while pregnant, said he wished you hadn't got pregnant, got you into debt, taken risks with his health that would leave you & the DCs with nothing if he died, taken hard drugs, threatened you. He's stolen from you & is constantly in a foul mood which affects your children. What did I miss?

I've no idea why you can't just get rid of him. He sounds a real charmer.

Seriously, you would probably be loads better off without him. Check out the legal situation re the shared mortgage, are you in arrears etc.

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greenroom · 16/08/2014 01:13

We're up to date with the mortage, and I (stupidly) paid off his debts with a windfall I had last year.

I know we'd all be better off without him. I don't think he'd be able to force me to sell the house if I kicked him out, but need to take advice on that, especially as I run my business from home (a private tutor - the main breadwinner).

Last Sunday he took part in a race, which involved me and the boys walking around 2 miles to the finish point, which was fine as we did it in our own time. We hung around at the finish and when I told him I was going to start making my way back because I wouldn't be able to keep up with the others (I still have problems with my hips from the spd 11 years ago). He made out that I was being really unreasonable and I should stay around for the prize giving. Which ended up with me trying to keep up with the group, which included other women, but I'm short and with my hip problems caused me a lot of pain, and I fell behind anyway and wasn't part of the group.

God, the more I write, the more I realise what a prick he is.

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Suziki · 16/08/2014 01:14

Hey greenroom you aren't alone this is domestic abuse making you feel worthless sulking immature behaviour physical threats belittling.... you are not stupid and it is not your fault. You have been worn down. He will crumble without you whereas you will be free to be yourself and stronger. Leaving is the hardest part. Look at refuge.org.uk womrnsaid.org.uk for help and advice. Keep your pecker up you can do this !

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greenroom · 16/08/2014 01:22

Suziki, thank you. The problem is I don't want to leave - I want him to.

I can't believe that after getting the equivalent of a masters degree that I can be so gullible and stupid.

I wonder sometimes if that may be part of his problem. He knows that I am far more educated than him and he feels threatened by this.

I wish I could return to the optimistic sociable person I was 20 years ago, if only so that the kids could see me as the person I was.

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LookingInTheMirror · 16/08/2014 01:30

Wow. OP your situation is so uncannily similar to mine I half suspected when I read your first post that you were my ex, fishing for me. I name change very regularly to protect myself but I have created a completely new nickname to reply to this. I will make it short because I am extremely tired and need to get back to sleep, but I'll post again in the morning as soon as I can.
The situation I was in was horribly, desperately abusive. But I am now 6 months out of it and looking forward hopefully to the rest of my life without Ex in it. You are so brave to post in here. I'm sure you know what all the replies are going to be - that you must somehow find the strength from somewhere to go. Honey it is so, so hard to read such things. It is so easy to say and so terribly hard to do. But you can I promise you. Everyone on here will help you, we have so many of us been through similar. I want you to be able to leave so much I can't tell you. You sound like a strong person so I know you can do it.

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LookingInTheMirror · 16/08/2014 01:36

I consider my ex to be a cluster B personality type, specifically a psychopath. I am not qualified to diagnose him and of course he would never seek a diagnosis, he is after all perfect and nobody is better than he is, but I am pretty damn sure of it. It's something you might have considered about your partner because the behaviours you describe are very familiar. In particular your partner seems completely devoid of empathy.

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LookingInTheMirror · 16/08/2014 01:45

Certainly the situation you are in is one of serious domestic abuse. If you haven't already, read Living With The Dominator by Pat Craven - it's pretty inexpensive to did bola on kindle, or maybe someone you trust could order it for you if he looks at your online purchases. Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? is also a must read but a bit more expensive and not available as an ebook so far as I know. I have signed up to do the Freedom Programme, which is something else to consider - but it is twelve sessions over as many weeks and not something I could have attended while I was still in the relationship. You can do an online course though.

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LookingInTheMirror · 16/08/2014 01:46

*did bola? Download that should say!

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ladyblablah · 16/08/2014 07:07

I have 2 ds's the same age as yours and an ex-h the same as yours.

Instigating change is always hard, but if I try and explain the difference in my children not being brought up in that house, it may go some way to motivating you.

I was a shell of myself, I was also obsessed with external things....like how well the ds's were doing at school, diet, bedtimes. I guess it was because my whole life was out of control.

DS1 was socially struggling, too quick to anger. Ds2 was quiet and people pleaser extraordinaire.

FF 3 years and the 3 of us are unrecognisable. I parent according to my values, not according to what mood ex-h was in, so we firstly and most importantly have peace. Don't underestimate the power of a peaceful mind.
And as it turns out ds1 isn't 'angry boy', he's a sensitive, sweet, funny, focused boy who is very unlikely to get angry.
Ds2 is creative, thoughtful, cuddly, happy, and just sweet.
I have had people who don't even know me very well notice the difference in them.

Leaving was hard, but by god it was worth it. Just make it happen OP, life is too short and your ds's need you to do this.

Weirdly, after a shaky year or so, the ds's also have a great relationship with exh. He actually makes massive efforts, loves them in a more healthy way and they love him too, possible because they have developed their own resilience and awareness of proper boundaries, even in a parent-child relationship.

Do it OP.

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Mumof3xox · 16/08/2014 07:25

Hi green room

Sorry to hear you and your dc are going through this.

I don't know if it's always like this but at the moment there seem to be quite a few women on here trying to make the break from such relationships, there are a good few threads on it.

I am a week seperated from my dcs dad. I feel he is less abusive than the partners of the other women I have spoken to on here recently to be honest.

There have been a few occasions he has got aggressive with me when he's had a skinful. Apart from that he's just a bone idle selfish twat tbh.

What a lot of the women on these threads (myself included) have in common is that these issues have been going on for years. In my case I have seperated from the dcs dad many times but he gets back in with me because he does sad face and I end up pitying him!

The support I have recieved on here in the past week has been fantastic. It is great to speak to others going through similar and also to hear from the ladies who have been there and broken free!

If you don't want to be with him you do not have to be.

A massive realisation I had that is helping me is that of I sit here and I take his shit. If I accept the way he speaks to me, his drug use, the way he does fuck all to help around the house. What message am I sending to my dc?

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butterflybuttons · 16/08/2014 07:50

if you do the Freedom Programme online they send you the books for free

www.onespace.org.uk/elearning/courses/freedom-programme

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wotoodoo · 16/08/2014 08:34

So pleased and excited for you OP because you are in a chrysalis stage. You are already shedding off your old life by being aware it is so toxic.

Getting to that stage is the first step to change.

You have done it, well done.You are not married. You need to record every single abusive incident from before and now, you need to tell everyone let the police know and get legal advice and change the locks asap.

You are easily swayed by his charm in him manipulating you. You need to realise that and practice assertiveness so that you are armoured against him doing that.

You need to visualise how you want your life to be and take your new direction step by step.

Most important step is ZERO tolerance to any behaviour or atmosphere that is disrespectful.

You sound so lovely, a beautiful, butterfly will emerge from your chrysalis like shell. You need legal advice and emotional support to make it happen.

Good luck op! Your new life is not far away.

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greenroom · 16/08/2014 09:33

Thank you all for the replies. I have work today but will check back in this evening when I have some time.

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Squidstirfry · 16/08/2014 09:43

The freedom program should help propel yourself onwards. You already know you need to kick him out. DO IT. Get the advice of a lawyer, you can get a free initial session, try more than one! They will spell out the groundwork and you will get the confidence to do it.

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Squidstirfry · 16/08/2014 09:45

He will go. Dont u worry. With the law on your side he will have no choice.

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SolidGoldBrass · 16/08/2014 10:06

Women's Aid will be able to help you. I think there is a pretty good chance you will be able to force him out of the house (at least one incident of violence on record already) and get an occupation order in place which will prevent him from returning - though he will still have to contribute towards the mortgage.
Good luck. THings will get better from now on.

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Guiltypleasures001 · 16/08/2014 10:32

Hi op

Sorry you are going all through this, I would say that the steroids are the most pressing problem at the moment.

They can cause rages and paranoia and serious mental health problems, do you know which ones he is taking at all?
The pill of choice seems to be one for treating cancer and is particularly nasty. I would make plans to get out seriously I would, if he's bad now the steroids will make him dangerous. Thanks

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greenroom · 16/08/2014 12:10

Have got a spare few minutes.

The steroids are winstrol and I've looked it all up online. He told me that the boys in the gym had told him they weren't steroids, that they would help with weightloss and lowering cholesterol (???). When he told me on Thursday he showed me the container and I'm positive it was white plastic. He took the DS's to karate in the car, leaving his van in the drive. I wanted to see what it was he was taking but he had taken the van keys with him. He leaves for work at 7 in the morning, but he rang during the day yesterday and told me he wouldn't be taking them. He came back and thrust an empty container down in front of me, saying he'd thrown them all away. But the container is slightly smaller and made of glass. I might be wrong and it may be the same container, but he didn't get rid of them in front of me, which is what makes me suspicious.

I'm going to look at the Women's Aid website this weekend, and hopefully contact them on Monday. I'm definitely going to be contacting solicitors on Monday.

I'm so glad there is a site like this, with other women in or having been in similar situations, offering advice and support to others. The only person in RL I could confide in is my mother, but her health isn't great and I don't want to worry her. I worry about my DS's too, about the effect this will have on them. Partner has never been physically violent to any of us, but emotionally bullies us. Eldest has been saying for over a year that he wants to give up a sporting activity, but because partner is the coach, he isn't allowed to give up (he's cried several times over having to go). The youngest also gave up this sport a couple of years ago. He tried it (was made to go) for a year and absolutely hated it. The only reason he was able to stop was because his team split from partners team and started being at different venues to DS1's team and I refused to take him when he hated it so much.

A couple of months ago, I started doing the activity that I had given up when DS1 was a baby. I thoroughly enjoy it, and it's part of what I've worked so hard towards all my life. It also provides extra income for us. Since then, partner's behaviour has become what it has again. He was fine for a couple of years, while I did nothing, but now that I have a little bit of a life outside the home he's reverted.

Wotoodoo, thank you for your lovely words. They made me cry this morning when I read them. And thank you all for the words of support and advice.

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LookingInTheMirror · 16/08/2014 12:13

Good morning greenroom I hope you're feeling ok today. Financially and certainly long term you will probably be better off if you can make him leave. I don't know anything about the mechanics of making him go but from what pp are saying, it sounds like it's an option for you. Well done for involving the police - I have wished many times now that I had called the police or done anything at all to create a record of his violence, drinking, abuse, drug use. My DC isn't old enough to talk but I have to send him off with ex unsupervised. And I can't begin to tell you what a poor father ex was up to the split.

Personally I "took the coward's way out" and "ran away in typical style" because I am "so underhand and deceitful". Ha! But at least, having kept possession of the house and contents and the car, ex must feel he has little to harass me for - particularly as I am still paying half the mortgage and all the debts are in my name. But every situation is different and there is no guarantee as to how your partner would react if you left him. One thing I read that I think is really good advice is "you know your abuser best". If you start researching and reading online, you will find some terrifying worst case scenarios as well as all sorts of conflicting advice. I have been getting all sorts of well meaning advice from friends and family as well. In particular a lot of people tell me I must stop him seeing DC, which makes me feel like a terrible mother. It's helpful to keep going back to the fact that I know him best when people are causing me to doubt my decisions.

The most important thing I did in retrospect was telling everybody the truth. It was a relief to finally tell the truth because in a situation like this you end up lying constantly to everyone, about why you can't visit, why you have to be home for a particular time, why your partner is the way he is, justifying his bad behaviour all the time. It's exhausting and soul destroying. But more importantly I told everyone not to let me go back - and that was really key. I told everyone: friends, family, my boss, the occupational Heath service, my GP, the health visitor, lots of people online, various call centre assistants! I do think that made the biggest difference.

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greenroom · 16/08/2014 14:46

He just popped home for ten minutes.

I was frosty with him, so he asked how long I was going to be like this for this time. He said he made a mistake with the tablets - he genuinely didn't know. Then he said that the only thing I cared about was the money, I couldn't care less if he died just as long as I got the life insurance money. I know this was said so that I felt guilty, that yes of course I care about him. But after reading so many threads on here and getting support here, I'm trying not to let his comment make me feel guilty. He said I didn't care about him and asked me if this was true. I said yes.

I don't anymore. For the last few months, every time he comes near me I tense up. I haven't found him attractive in a long time. I don't go places where I have to be seen with him, because I hate admitting that he's my partner. He bores me. We have nothing in common (apart from the kids and we have completely different approaches to parenting).

Anyway, my feelings for him are another matter. He then asked me if he should be looking for somewhere else to live. Before I could answer properly, he told me I'd never be able to keep this place running, I'd never be able to afford it. I asked how he would know that considering he leaves everything financial to me. He admitted he didn't know how much the mortgage, council tax etc cost, but that was because he trusted me to deal with it because I'm better at those things than him. He then told me that I never support anything he does. I told him that over they years I had been to every family function of his, weddings, funerals, parties and that his usual reaction to news of a death in my family is "you don't want me to come do you? I don't know anyone, but I'll come if you really want me there". Not that I said it to his face, but the response in my head was "don't bother". He's never been to any family function of mine.

I'm going to have a long weekend ahead of me I think. I'm determined not to back down this time though.

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SolidGoldBrass · 16/08/2014 14:51

The only thing I would really worry about is the steroids, which can cause unpredictable and very violent behaviour. I would strongly advise you to 'make nice' with this cock until you have a clear plan in place to either chuck him out or leave. If you think there is a chance of violence when you tell him to pack and go, you can have a word with the police DV unit and warn them that there might be trouble. If there is trouble, they will come and arrest him.

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greenroom · 17/08/2014 02:11

He took DS1 out for the afternoon today, probably trying to show me what a good father he is. They got home just after 9 tonight, managed to make small talk with him in front of the kids. Got the kids off to bed at 10 and came straight into this room to watch something on iplayer. He went to bed without saying a word at around 11.

I've been looking at and working through the freedom programme tonight, and realise that he is so many of these types rolled into one.

He's just come down stairs now, wanting to know why I'm taking the piss with so many lights on (the house is in darkness apart from this room). He told me I'm selfish, not thinking of anyone else. I told him no, this is nothing to do with me, it's all about him. He stomped off upstairs without another word.

I feel like my eyes are finally opened to what is going on around me, thanks to this site.

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43percentburnt · 17/08/2014 07:55

Morning green room.

Well done for doing the freedom programme. You will start to notice how his comments are designed to make you do what he wants.

I would report his illegal drug use to the police. You may feel its harsh but it but you may wish it was on record later on down the line. Presumably he has been driving on these drugs. He may take your kids in the car on these tablets. Please report to non emergency today. Say you are afraid he is on them, you are afraid they are in your house, you don't want any association with such substances and it is not right for him to have drugs in the house or in his system round the children. Let the police do what they consider is right.

This man may argue he will go for 'custody', he will 'fight you all the way' they rarely do but a drugs charge will make it harder. Do all you can to protect your dc's.

Good luck op. Sounds like you are doing great.

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greenroom · 18/08/2014 13:39

Well, I got through the weekend. We barely spoke, but yesterday he went out of his way to show me what a brilliant father he is. Took the kids for a long walk (so I could have some peace and quiet), came back and played with them for most of the afternoon.

He's just phoned to ask what I'm doing this afternoon. When I told him I had some errands to run while the kids were swimming, he paused and then said he was hoping I'd be able to pick him up from work because he's feeling ill and not up to driving. I can see exactly what he's trying to do - make me feel sorry for him, and if I pick him up from work he will feel as if he's still able to control me. Well no more.

I finished the freedom programme last night (and signed up for the parenting and assertiveness courses) and it has opened my eyes to so much. I have Lundy Bancroft's book on order.

I hope no-one minds, but I think I will use this thread as a diary. I'm going to write about all the things he's done to me in the past as well as what's happening now, and hopefully by getting it all down in black and white, and reading it through, it will give me the strength I need to do what is right for me and my boys. I read on another thread about how another posters dog was afraid of her partner - mine is too. So I'm going to do this for all of us.

I have a vision of myself in a year's time - slim again, not relying on wine to get me to sleep at night, a patient mother, and having a little bit of self-confidence at least.

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hellsbellsmelons · 18/08/2014 13:56

Wow - you've come a long way in a very short.
You've been so proactive and strong.
Well done on completing the Freedom Programme.

You know what to do now.
Solicitor, CAB, CSA.

Good luck with your new exciting future without this fuckwit controlling it!

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