Gifts for my DC from NC sister

[Sootball]

I'm feeling utterly overwhelmed. Two years ago I went NC with my whole family after a rocky few years before that when I tried (unsuccessfully) to stop them bullying me - every meeting left me unhappy and miserable and with 1 child and another on the way I eventually reached breaking point. I was in counselling for PTSD and was advised by my doctor to think seriously about what the stress levels were doing to my unborn baby.

In the past 9 months I have started to rebuild bridges, slowly, very very slowly. I have no interest in reinstating a relationship with my sister and the thought makes me feel sick. Recently at a family wedding she barely spoke to me but spent the whole time with my eldest child who I couldn't keep her away from, I was seen to be utterly unreasonable and my name was mud among the 200 guests - despite every member of my family telling me at some point over the past 2 years that my sister is a controlling condescending cow

My problem. My sister insists on buying gifts for my DC, they are cheap, tacky and fall apart (unsuitable for very small children) and I am under huge pressure to invite her to parties, to accept these gifts. I DO NOT WANT THEM.

Or her pitiful puppy dog eyes staring at me. I am on strong ADs and seen regularly by MH services - I am feeling overwhelmed and shaky as another member of my family has asked when I will be taking delivery of these presents - and why I'm not making more of an effort.

[Guiltypleasures001]

Hi op

You seemed to be doing so well at first in your post, you had gone no contact and things were getting back to an even keel.

Your GP has warned your about stress and you are being treated for PTSD.

So now your building bridges? Why? And now your back where you started and she's on the scene again and your beside yourself.

Stop taking the calls, NO is a complete sentence No thank you slightly longer but still effective, if all else fails oh do fuck off dear .

Please find your inner bitch and bring her out to play, this has to stop and if I were your therapist ide be questioning why you've got yourself involved with them/her again and what you get out out of it?

May I also suggest the stately homes thread for extra support

[Sootball]

Thank you for your support.

I have started to build bridges with my mother after a mediation process whereby she agreed that her behaviour had been appalling for many years - I wasn't clear - so that is who I have been building bridges with. My immediate family life is a tad chaotic (without wishing to say more) and I could really use that help from my mother if we were on good terms.

There was no escaping my sister at this wedding although she spent no time with me she hijacked my older child for the whole afternoon to play doting auntie.

I have not been building bridges with my sister - and it is other members of my family who have been putting pressure on me to do so, she hasn't been in touch directly except for a text which went unanswered. She has blocked me on Facebook completely thank god

[Quitelikely]

Can't you tell her that you want no contact from her at all. I'm thinking she has done something terrible to you so much so that you don't want her to contact your dc? Or could you ask your DM to intervene?

[SavoyCabbage]

Tell the member of your family that you are not going to be seeing your sister or getting the presents. And you are definitely not inviting her to parties.

From your OP it sounds to me like you are happier when she is not in your life, and that's ok. You mustn't let other people push you into seeing her or "making more of an effort" as you have already decided to have no contact with her.

[Sootball]

I am so weak. I got railroaded into meeting my sister at a yet to be agreed meeting in the next few weeks.i hate being bullied.

Now extremely upset and very very overwhelmed after what should have been a lovely weekend.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I would tell the "winged monkeys" who have come to the aid of your sister here to firmly back off. You should really not meet her under any circumstances; it will serve no positive purpose and will only give your sister further opportunity to put the boot into you.

You managed to go no contact with this lot before; you need to do so again.

I would also second you posting on the " well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages for extra support.

[inlectorecumbit]

You can change your mind anytime to a meeting.
No is a complete sentence
You will probably feel a lot stronger if you could say that word to them.

[SavoyCabbage]

Oh Soot, you poor thing. I really hope you can find the strength to get out of it.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

Stop taking the calls, NO is a complete sentence No thank you slightly longer but still effective, if all else fails oh do fuck off dear

Please find your inner bitch and bring her out to play, this has to stop

Best. Advice. Ever. Must remember this myself.

[Meerka]

but spent the whole time with my eldest child who I couldn't keep her away from

You absolutely need to keep her away from your child(ren).

And you need to keep away from her. I'd say from the whole family becuase naturally the more you're in touch, the more pressure will be on you.

Keep strong and keep away for the sake of your children. And please, keep your child and Bump away from her. She sounds like she's starting the manipulatoin. There are some desperately sad posts on here now and then from children who've been poisoned by relatives like this.

I hope you can find the strength. Remember, your doctor's told you to avoid stress for the health of your baby!!

[springydaffs]

Like you, I have gone NC with my family - this means no family weddings, no events, no 'do's. I don't go to any events because I would be mercilessly bullied, their bit of fun, but unable to respond because it would 'spoil the party' ("there she goes again spoiling everything - she's so selfish/narcissistic/mad')

But I do see my mum and, by extension, my dad. I see my mum on her own - though she is so old she has to have my dad as chaperone; he barely speaks to me (and that's fine by me). I go to her (their) house but I keep the meeting short. I see her because she's old.

My mum has stopped putting pressure on me re the family. In a way my family are frightened of me now because I have followed through and it is quite clear I will do, am prepared to do, whatever it takes.

If you need your mum for practical support, this puts you at a disadvantage re making a stand with your family, as she could blackmail you with her support. (btw you are probably in a shit situation BECAUSE of your family background: we are attracted to, and accept, what we're used to).

I could tell you a heart stopping tale about keeping your kids away from your toxic family. Suffice to say, do. not. foster a relationship between your family and your children. Absolute zero. Do not go to family functions. I have been to some key weddings and funerals, in the congregation, but left before the reception/wake.

Your poisonous sister is trying to drive a wedge between you and your daughter/kids. Don't underestimate how far she is prepared to go.

[Sootball]

So I said no.

And unleashed a torrent. I am making myself miserable and everyone else. I also have to enable contact between my older daughter (younger not mentioned) and the wider family.

I replied they should not presume I am miserable, and legally they do not have a right to access.

Fucking batshit crazy.

[Meerka]

sootball congratulations on saying No. It must have taken a lot of courage.

Keep strong, keep posting if you need to.

Again, well done. Overwhelming family pressure is so hard to stand up to.

Have you got a supportive partner or a very good friend you can talk to and draw strength from?

[temporarilyjerry]

Do you have a DH/DP/RL support? You know that you are doing the right thing for you and your DC.

[temporarilyjerry]

I don't know how I X-posted with you Meerka. I obviously type very slowly.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

You did the right thing. Deep down, you can feel this, yes?
Saying "no" gets easier every time you do it. People that create a shit storm can wallow in it all they want. You do not have to take any ownership of that or participate in that dynamic at all.

My sister told my dd to come to her first when dd was 13. That was my "enough is enough" point and we are NC. It has been 6 years and dd says she barely remembers the toxic aunt. Sorted. And dd is studying psychology at uni so will have her sussed if any future contact is made.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

Not as slow as I do, temporarilyjerry

[Sootball]

DH is neutral but supportive. By which I mean he doesn't Bitch about my family, but he is angry about the way I have been treated in the past.

[Meerka]

it sounds like he'll support you in your No stance then? even if it's unobtrusively?

soot it's so hard to be without family but it sounds like by rebuilding contacts with your extended family, you've opened the door to extreme stress and almost misery. It can't be easy on your partner seeing you like this.

[Sootball]

Yes - he isn't about to start providing access behind my back.

It leaves me really anxious, my sister has never been a part of either DCs life, ever, but it was the demanding nature of her 'rights' that shook me.

[Meerka]

She sounds kind of scary! It's a real pity that your extended family call her controlling but still pressure you to be in contact .

Keep strong!

[KleineDracheKokosnuss]

Stay strong. No is a complete answer. You have every right to make your own decisions.