Suicide terrible circumstances - is there more I could have done?

[paula5246]

A man I knew in my 20s (20 years ago) has killed himself after having been accused of child sex offences. I suppose we have no way of knowing if he was guilty as the case didnt come to court, but the sheer volume of accusations lends weight to the idea that he was very guilty indeed. The case has made the papers but i don't want to say too much about that side of things.
I knew him via a youth club we both volunteered at so obviously I have the concern that our young people there were put at risk, although all the allegations were much more recent than that so hopefully he was not offending at that time.
I am really concerned though that I was not very nice to him and not just me, no one was nice to him. He had all the attributes of a cool person, intelligent, nice looking, car, cool job, but he was extremely odd - as a young person I percieved him as very creepy, though he never did anything wrong. He used to ask me out but the idea repulsed me and I dont think I made any great effort to hide that. His case reminds me a bit of the Elliot Rodger case in the US.
The mans life was pretty rubbish looking back, but I don't know if we despised him because maybe subconsciously we were suspicious of him, or if maybe it is more the case that the more he was ostracised for being a loser, the more damaged he became, ending up doing these terrible things. Obviously there are loads of other things at play here, but I'm feeling very sad about how he was treated by my friendship group, what became of him and about all those children. How does someone become a child abuser?
Not expecting any real answers, just thinking aloud I guess...

[SoleSource]

I don't know the answer to your question. I guess people find children sexually attractive, their genitalia is sexy. appealing. They have urges they cannot control and their fantasies become real, by abusing real children. I guess some people cannot control themselves, I don't now. I worry for my lovely DS as he is very vulnerable and since his birth I realised just how vulnerable he is to abuse.

I myself have imagined how he could be abused and made me sick. I have thought about how he might be taken to the bathroom to be changed by a staff member and how easy it could be for a cunting pervert to abuse him.

It is the dark side of being a Mother to a very vulnerable child. Nobody really talks about it. I try and imagine how the offender might look or act around me and my child, but it is futile and would have driven me nuts. So far - touch wood- no pervert has harmed him, i hope!! If they did I am sad to say I might rot behind bars for my stupid vengeful actions.

I am always on the look out and extremley protective as much as I can be.

[Vivacia]

I think your reply is a bit worrying SoulSource.

OP I have never heard of any research suggesting that a child abuser's behaviour was caused by the scenario you describe.

[lanbro]

Solesource, I agree that your response is very worrying. I hope that most parents are not constantly worried about abuse occurring? How is your child very vulnerable? Yes, be protective of your children but the idea that a child molester is hiding around every corner seems ott to me.

OP, I think many things can be dictated by your early years but an indecent interest in children is deep rooted and not something that is caused by being ostracised as a young adult. More likely that your subconscious did make you wary, and obviously rightly so. Don't beat yourself up about it, I doubt anything you did made him a paedophile.

[lolalotta]

Sole, you sound creepy.

[Horsemad]

I think Solesource has recorded her thoughts and fears which she's entitled to do. Her thoughts are quite valid.

Op, it's difficult to know why people become child abusers: for some it's their background, others not.

I think you need to stop worrying that your attitude towards this man caused his behaviour. It is very likely that his 'creepy' behaviour was what put you off being friendly to him. Instinct is there for a reason.

[lettertoherms]

No one becomes a sexual abuser of children because they didn't have friends. Some abusers experienced the same type of abuse. And many are just fucked up twisted people to begin with. If your worry is that you're somehow responsible in some small way for the crimes he committed, I don't think you have any reason to be at all, not unless you knew some hint of it, but I assume that's not the case. Being his friend would not have stopped him being an abuser. Arguably, the only thing that may is if he recognized his problems or his own history of abuse (if he did experience that) and sought help.

If the evidence points so heavily to him being guilty, I wouldn't lose sleep over his death at all.

[OneDreamOnly]

There are different issues in your post.
The way you reacted to him all those years ago is highly unlikely to have any relationship with the fact he was a child abuser.
The fact you were uncomfortable around him is totally ok. Some people will creep you out and it doesn't mean they are child abusers and you should have been more careful.
I do think that sometimes some people make you uncomfortable and the easier way to deal with it is to push them away by being 'not that nice'. And I can see why that would make you uneasy in retrospect because yes it probably made his life harder.
Whether this or the guilt about what he has done is the reason for his suicide is a different issue altogether.

[OneDreamOnly]

And Se is expressing her own fears which is completely acceptable. And the fears if a lot of other people too.

[Egghead68]

OP you are not remotely responsible for what he (allegedly) did.

Obviously you were picking up on lots of red flags about this man that told you to stay clear.

And yes, he will have been perving/grooming/abusing at the youth club. People like that don't help out in youth clubs because of their social conscience. They do it to get their kicks.

[Edenviolet]

Sole source you don't sound creepy, just very very anxious about your dc, I don't know your circumstances but it sounds very stressful having to leave a vulnerable child in the care of others

[prisonerofallisurvey]

i think that there is often a "guilt by association" in the people who knew the person who committed suicide ime.

I also agree with other posters that having few friends or poor upbringing causes someone to abuse children.

[SomethingVicardThisWayComes]

i think its a bit off to now be wondering this - this man was never proven guilty in a court of law (when i last checked you were innocent until proven guilty) and the man is now dead - he cant say one way or another but his family can presumably read anything on the internet that is slanderous and do nothing about it but hurt and agonise over what people now think of their son/brother/uncle/friend.

what if someone he knows reads this?

how would it make you feel if it were a relative of yours?

there are some fairly identifying features given.

sorry but this op isnt helpful, its quite thoughtless in respect of those he may have left behind.

[heyday]

We had a guy who used to run a kids group at my local church several years ago. He was somewhat odd but nobody could actually pinpoint anything terrible about him, just an oddness. I later heard that he had been abusing the boys in the group. Sickening. Most child abusers come across as decent and ok human beings. However, some abusers are these odd characters that we all come across from time to time.
To try to understand why someone abuses an innocent child is way beyond the realm of most of us. Hopefully, we can start conducting research into the mind of paedophiles so we can have some hope of helping them to stop this corrosive behaviour.
Sounds like you and your friends may have been a bit unkind to him but perhaps many people were because he was weird. It's history, nothing you can do about it now. If you had been friendly with him then he may have tried to groom yourself or your friends and you may have ended up becoming abused yourself.
It's a sad case but if this man is guilty of the crimes he is accused of then he is in the best place right now.

[TheDietStartsTomorrow]

Sole's response is creepy:
I guess people find children sexually attractive, their genitalia is sexy. appealing. They have urges they cannot control and their fantasies become real, by abusing real children. I guess some people cannot control themselves, I don't now.

WTF is that about??? WTF is sexy about a child's genitalia???

[Horsemad]

TheDiet, I read that as Sole's opinon of why people abuse children, not that she thinks that.

[OneDreamOnly]

Hold on, it's not because someone is 'creepy' that they automatically are child abusers!

And YY to the fact he hasn't been proven guilty so atm we don't know for sure. It might or it might not be the case.

[Batmansbuttocks]

I think people over think paedophilia. I believe it is the sexual attraction to children of varying age groups to different people.

In the same way I am attracted to and seek out sex with adult men, my male friend is attracted and seeks out sex with other adult men a paedophile is attracted children and will try to (but will usually try to suppress the urge) seek out children for sexually pleasure.

I feel such sadness for paedophiles. They are not evil by the thoughts they have in their head but by the damage they do.

I believe there is no cure/treatment in the way I could not be cured from heterosexuality. I believe it is a more common 'sexuality' than we want to believe.

I have no answers. I would also want to kill someone who abused my child but also recognise the futility.

I'm sorry about your friend. I suspect it was guilt and shame that ended his life. Can you imagine living with those thoughts in your head every day? I'd probably end my life too

[lougle]

I think sole is trying to rationalise the view of someone who is a paedophile, rather than saying that children's genitalia is sexy in general.

DD1 is very vulnerable (SN) and I often worry that when she is older it will be harder to protect her. Having said that, stranger abuse of children is rare. It's the media coverage that makes it seem all so common.

[Batmansbuttocks]

Solesource I got you completely.

[MaccaPaccaismyNemesis]

That whole thing about finding someone creepy is instinctual and should not be ignored. I work in a hospital and some of our patients are sex offenders or psychopaths. Sometimes when you look at people they can give you an ominous feeling, and it's hard to explain but we always document it.

Sole source is not being creepy. Not being sexually interested in minors how can we understand how they feel sexually about children? They do find them sexually attractive in a way that is abhorrent to others. Listening to a grown man telling me that a child 'wants to have sex with him' is not something I want to hear or acknowledge but it does happen. A more vulnerable child may be more easily led or groomed.

As for the suicide, you will never know what he was thinking. But one thing should be very clear- it was not you fault. You could never have prevented it and you are not to feel guilty.

[Batmansbuttocks]

BTW there are reams of research about paedophilia. But most (all?) people reject it and just demonise paedophiles. Therefore they can't come 'out', can't seek treatment, they just find support from each other. And we all know where that leads.

[Fairylea]

Sole is trying to explain what an abuser might think, not that she thinks that!

Personally I think having a sexual attraction to children is something a person is born with - in the same way someone is heterosexual or homosexual, but obviously (unlike being gay or straight where a consenting adult is involved) paedophilia is completely wrong and unacceptable in every way. I do think people are born like it though and for this reason I don't believe they can be cured. I think it's extremely risky trying to rehabilitate them. I don't think they ever stop finding children attractive.

[Vivacia]

Sole is trying to explain what an abuser might think, not that she thinks that!

That's how I read it, although I'd change "explain" to "imagine". I found her reply worrying because it read as though she has dwelt on this a little too much, for too long and in too much detail and it plays on her mind.

[lolalotta]

I'm not saying that sole is a child abuser just that the graphic detail in her post creeped me out!

[elfycat]

I agree with Soul. I always, always consider this with anyone looking after my DDs, including the nursery staff, family memeber etc. This hasn't stopped me having a male babysitter but my risk assessment over this is very high. I imagine opportunities that paedophiles could take to be near vulnerable children, some choose to go into lines of work where they have contact with children, others befriend parents of potential victims, grooming the parents as much as the child.

However it doesn't occupy my every waking moment, is a quite handy imagination for when I want to write a gritty short story - yes my thought can get that detailed, I think you'll find anyone who has ever written something grim does too. It doesn't make us all that odd.

I think that our instincts should not be ignored. I believe the brain had the ability to spot several small, minor things and link them together in a non-conscious way. A look here, a hand gesture there, the use of a specific word to describe something which all adds up. I try to always trust my instincts. There's someone I don't want my children near and I would not be able to justify it to anyone. He works in a role where he has contact with vulnerable people of all ages and a little flag went up in the back of my head the day I met him.