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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Can you give advice

11 replies

MorphineDreams · 01/08/2014 03:15

I will say in advance before you reply just so you don't think I'm ignorant, I don't want to reply back to this thread I'm just hoping to read back on things. If thats okay. Any clarifications can be asked via pm but hopefully you wont need them

I've not spoken about this except to one member of this forum..


I brought my brothers up because my mum had severe depression.Bought them clothes, fed them, etc. I stopped going to school at the time, but still got excellent results because I was 'gifted and talented' and it just sunk in to be honest.

My mum got better. I got older, started higher education, I got a lovely partner and was happy. Mum used to profess she was jealous but in a light heated way.

Mum was always used to people being scared of her. She used this as power. I was TERRIFIED of her when I was a child. But as I grew older I stood up to her unreasonableness. She doesn't like it, she gets mad.

I stood up to her a few weeks ago. This resulted in her punching me. She burst my lip and made my tooth go wobbly. I admit I went to strike her back - the way she has brought me up - but we got split up. I am so ashamed.

I went home.

Since this, I have tried to get in touch with both my mum and my brothers. They;re all ignoring me. It hurts so much. I have tried again and again.

I am so happy with my partner, but feel like something is missing because of my family. My real dad died when I was a child, I dont know if this has something to do with my want of a relationsip.

What do I do?

Its taken a lot for me to write this, because I'e not spoken to anyone. I don't want to reply but I promise I will read. Please reply.

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Shia · 01/08/2014 03:30

Understandably you are hurting but they are losing out by cutting you out of their lives.

Your mother punched you in the face, resulting in injury. This is a serious offence. A grown woman losing her self control and attacking her own daughter is terrible, just terrible.

People have been killed from one punch. She didn't pull it, she fully intended to hurt you and to do you damage. She could have slapped you, but a punch, an actual punch is shocking.

I presume she punches or attempts to punch others? This is a way of life she has been allowed to continue behaving like?

I'm sorry, but I would have her charged with assault.

Regarding your brothers, I would write to them and say that you understand their loyalty to your mother but you still want them to be part of your life. Continue to send birthday and Christmas cards etc but if they choose to take sides, there isn't anything you can do.

I don't think your mother will ever change her ways but you have to think carefully about how far she will go when she loses control. She has now gotten away with pinching you. Next time she could pick up something and use it as a weapon.

She cannot rein her temper in, but by reporting her you are sending her the clear message that her behaviour is unacceptable. Fear of a fine or prison may make her think twice in the future.

Violent people are violent because they are allowed to get away with it.

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MorphineDreams · 01/08/2014 03:38

I just wanted to say I've read what you've wrote and thankyou. My heart is breaking.

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wallypops · 01/08/2014 03:39

I just want to say that don't give up hope. Your brothers might be under her sway today but it's unlikely to always be the case. It might days, weeks or years but they are unlikely to remain under her influence forever. Patience is your friend. And in the meantime try to find yourself some good therapy.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/08/2014 08:47

Abusive bullies like your mother rule through terror. That she has a history of depression is no excuse for aggression, intimidation or physical violence. I don't know how old your brothers are now, if they live with your mother or if they know about the assault, but the chances are that they are as frightened of her as you are. If they are under 18 you could get Social Services involved for example. If you get attacked for simply standing up to her, they are unlikely to risk getting in contact.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/08/2014 08:53

" feel like something is missing because of my family"

It's love. However old we get and however happy we are in our adult relationships, it's always good to know there is a group of people who love us unconditionally, regard us as special and who we could go to in a crisis. People who grow up without that unconditional love ... maybe they've been in care or similar... can feel disconnected and rootless if that role isn't filled by a foster/adopted family or another significant adult. Your brothers had/have you as their parent. Who did you have?

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Quitelikely · 01/08/2014 09:05

Firstly you've had a crappy life, do not let that define you. Keep marching on in the right direction, keep achieving and bettering yourself.

Well done for standing up to her. Violence is wrong on every level but in this instance you squared up to your bully. She is scared now because she has got no hold over you. She knows your not scared of her. Unfortunately she has ruled by a fear of violence and on that basis it's no wonder you gave it back.

No doubt she will say how can you hit your own mother, well guess what you reap what you sow.

It's highly likely she will be influencing your brothers to stay away from you but I bet it's not what they really want.

Have you tried to contact your brothers?

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MorphineDreams · 01/08/2014 14:25

Thankyou everyone.

I think it has had an impact on my life all this, I've always thought my history of depression was 'just because' but now I think this could all be why.

I've tried to text, facebook message and speak to my brothers. They just don't reply. It hurts because I've done so much for them, yet they can just dump me like this.

I'm extremely lucky because I have an amazing partner. His words are 'you'll never forget whats happened, but we have each other and we're going to make our own family now' :)

Thanks again everyone. I needed to get it out. I didn't realise I was actually holding onto it so tightly it feels better now I've written it down

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Twinklestein · 01/08/2014 14:43

Your brothers should have backed you up, given everything you have done for them and that your mother was clearly in the wrong. But they probably didn't get the true story and they're clearly scared of her.

I wouldn't feel hurt by your brothers' behaviour because they're clearly manipulated by your awful mother. Don't take it personally, it's just an expression of her malign influence.

You don't have to have her in your life if you don't want to be around her.

I'm sure in time you will be able to heal your relationship with your brothers, but you are under no obligation to do so with your mum.

I would focus your energy on building up solid friendships around you and your partner to take the place of your dysfunctional family.

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Nomama · 01/08/2014 18:51

Please do leave the door open for your brothers. One day one of them may make his own escape bid, and you will be needed. You know they will have been equally scared and cowed by your mum. Blame her for the majority of their snubbing you.

I almost cut myself of from my sister because of my own family dynamics. But we have recently spoken and are taking good steps to rebuilding our relationship.

Then again, DH holds out olive branches and keeps in touch with his sibs and gets bugger all back... 14 years and counting...

But we both left the door open for them...

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Itsfab · 01/08/2014 18:56

Chances are your brothers so want to contact you but are too scared too in case your mother punches them too.

I would report her to the police. A severe talking too would do her good and sounds well overdue.

Send cards, etc to your brother or message them, however you would normally and wait for them to contact you but don't beg.

It is shit when you don't have a family but with your partner being a good man you have more than some.

You did nothing wrong. Self defence is acceptable. What your mother did was not.

I have no family and I hate it but none is better than a violent abusive bullying mother.

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tribpot · 01/08/2014 18:57

I take your brothers are adults. They will have to make their own break with your mother when they are ready. Please don't make any further attempts to contact them - each time hurts you and hands her power. She knows you will get increasingly desperate and thus more likely to accept her bullshit when she chooses to make contact again.

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