he can see both sides of the issue--mazel tov!

[matildasquareded]

I'm completely fed up with my husband at the moment. Baffled at this weird inconsiderate behaviour he's showing.

At the moment I'm having a hard time at work. There's an external partner, with whom I'm running a joint programme, who's acting quite strangely, generally being uncooperative and weird. I'm supposed to be mentoring her too. It came to a head today. I've got it under control, had a good talk with my supervisor today about how to address it, took some steps. Supervisor was surprised it's gone so far--this person is seriously jeopardising some clients' best interests with some weird/bizarre behaviour. Can't get into details, but trust me.

Key point: some of the weird behaviour has manifested as weird rants directed at me in regards to what I ought to do/how I ought to be professionally and I guess just generally. As the mentor, I have to respond in this super-diplomatic, I'm-sorry-you-feel-that-way way. It's all been kind of tiring.

Anyway, my husband takes a normal interest in my job and so I've been telling him a bit of this and that for the past few weeks, telling him that I thought things were getting a bit weird.

His response has been to sort of chuckle and say, "Of course having worked in a similar field to hers, I can see both sides of it [insert some rationale for the way she's acting]."

Me: "There's no way you'd have done what she's doing when you were working in that field for about six months, eighty years ago"

Him: "Well, you're so straight-laced, all about the right procedure. She's just [insert more weird rationale]. I can totally see her side."

Me: "There's no planet on which [doing bizarre activity to detriment of client] is normal."

Him: "But she's just thinking..."

Me: "Forget it."

Today as I was on my way to work I sort of said, "Ugh, all day with [troublesome person]. Really will have to set some boundaries."

His response was to chuckle and say, "Oh ho you two don't get along at all! You're just so straight-laced! She's probably saying the same thing about you right now!"

I'm afraid I just left without saying good-bye to him and haven't texted him all day. (In our little world, that translates as "fuck you.")

What condescending crap. If he doesn't want to hear about work problems, he can just say so. I just don't understand that detached, let-me-demonstrate-my-intellect nonsense.

What really pisses me off is that in the past few months he's had some crap directed towards him in relation to this voluntary work he does. Really, it was a handful of jerks taking issue with a judgement call he made, and then emailing him late at night to impugn his character. They were being bullying meanies. It really bothered him.

My response was to be supportive, hug him, tell him they were not worth his time and consideration.

I guess I just should have just sat there chucking. "Well, as someone who takes a balanced view of everything, I can absolutely see their side. Did you not consider [insert douchey rationales and appercus]?"

But no, I can't even joke about that. It would be so mean and weird.

Maybe I should be more like him: freak out and collapse whenever someone is mean. I'm sick of being the one who copes.

If you read all that you should get a prize or something. Thanks for listening. Don't tell me to LTB please. I'm crazy about him.

[matildasquareded]

My post was too long.

tl;dr: Getting some bullyingish crap at work, husband being weird about it. I've supported him in similar situations. Feeling mad and fed up.

[Lweji]

His position would make me think that he was actually like her and can actually see her side because he has done or does something similar.
Are you sure he was such a victim in those recent events?

[matildasquareded]

No, he really is not like her.

I've worked with him on lots of projects and he is actually a joy to work with. It's not just me who says that. Efficient, cool-headed, smart. He's very mild-mannered, maybe doesn't stick up for himself as much as he should. Hence the bullying from these people recently. And this was because he'd taken over a volunteer duty that no one wanted to do! It was a case of no good deed goes unpunished.

No, it's more like this sense of detachment he gets sometimes. Like it would demonstrate softness if he were too sympathetic to me. He wants to show off a bit and be Mr. Analytical, or something? Not sure.

There's also something that's hard to describehe used to be a scriptwriter for a long time so he has this habit of seeing a conflict from all sides. Sometimes it annoys me because it feels like detachment. There isn't always a golden mean. And anyway, it's mebe on my side!

[AtrociousCircumstance]

Hmm yes perhaps he has behaved similarly and feels motivated to defend her due to projecting his own unprofessional ways onto this person you're describing?

Either way he's being self-absorbed and unsupportive. It's not ok.

It boils down to:

You: someone is upsetting me.

Him: (chuckling) well I can see their side.

Not ok. On some level he is trying to make a point.

[matildasquareded]

Now see, Lweiji, my reaction to your suggestion that he might have been a little to blame for recent events. Even before I could think of the context/reasons, my gut reaction was, "No way! Because he's him, and awesome, and they're unreasonable douchebags for being mean to him."

I'd like a little of that loyalty myself. Damn it!

[matildasquareded]

I really can't imagine him acting the way this person is. He's just too empathetic and I've never in my life seen him be pushy/aggressive like that.

And Atrocious, I know, what sort of point is he trying to make?

Is it relevant that he's retired? (He's older than I am.) Missing the agon/challenge of work and so trying to be the elder statesman with the advice?

[GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt]

Sounds like he's using your issue as an ill-advised intellectual exercise.

You're not wrong to find it upsetting, it matters to you and isn't a theoretical scenario.

Also, there's something teeth-grittingly infuriating about the "oh you two just don't get along" kind of statement. It implies that the problem is half your fault.

[matildasquareded]

THANK YOU!

I just realised he does this with the garden/neighbour stuff too. I'm not a dick, really, but I do have a nice vegetable garden and on a few occasions I've had to (very very politely!) have a word with football-playing children to be careful of the greenhouse.

He sort of sits in the kitchen and chuckles, "Oh, there goes the football again, Matilda is gonna be mad!"

Why is this only my problem? He says he likes the garden too. Should I go and put his music stuff out there and then chuckle when kids tread on it?

[thestamp]

he sounds like he is taking on the identity of twinkly, clever, but passive old man in his retirement years.

unfortunately, twinkly, clever, but passive old men usually require go-getter, assertive women to make their lives easier/be the foil/get things done.

[thestamp]

and btw yanbu, this would annoy me very, very much

[Meerka]

it would annoy me too!

"can you stop being so detached and clever for a few minutes and actually consider how it feels to be on the receiving end of her weirdness??"

or "please put your objective pov to her. Intellectualizing it isn't helping me"

[matildasquareded]

Yeah the twinkly absent-minded professor emeritus.

Fuck you, professor. You get an F.

[matildasquareded]

Yeah it is like I get to be the assertive one!

The other night some neighbours a few door down were really taking the piss, waking us up.

I went out in my bathrobe and said, affably but pretty directly, "Hey, you woke us up! Could you be more quiet?" They were.

He sort of twinkled and joked about it. Neighbourhood harridan! General Matilda! hahaha! But the thing is, we both got the benefit of the quiet and sleep.

[matildasquareded]

I'm thinking more if we do talk about it again I'll just say, "Hey, I've been going about it all wrong! Next time there's a [volunteer work] psychodrama for you I'll explain their point of view to you! To help you! And then you'll be impressed at my cleverness!"

[Lweji]

I really think you should calmly sit down with him and explain how his attitude is hurting you.

He may not realise that, as you don't come across as vulnerable.

[Cahu5]

Can't stand it when the people close to you sit on the fence. Some people seem to be wired this way... Has he been unsupportive before?

[matildasquareded]

We just had a quarrel when he got home. He said he didn't realise how bad it had got. "You seemed all jocular about it."

We actually had a good talk, even though it's kind of late for us both. He listened. He said, "It sounds like you're being all reasonable and calm with them. How about you get mad a little? Show some of this anger at work." He had a point.

Hey professor. You get an A.

[Lweji]

:)

[GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt]

Excellent.

[Meerka]

oh great :)