Abuse - previous thread has made me want to talk about it but didn't want to hijack her thread...

[icanneverremember]

Hi all,

I don't really know what I'm hoping to achieve by posting but maybe just getting it off my chest...

I'm in my 30s and when I was 15 I had a weekend job at a garden centre. I was a very loud and forthright teenager (something I'm not proud of now) and I used to flirt a lot. I was seriously naive though and never dreamt that anything would ever be taken any further.

At work there was a male colleague who was in his 40s. He was in a relationship with a co-worker in her 30s. Despite the age gap she and I were very close. This man and I used to flirt a lot. On my part it was more like naive banter. I never wanted it to lead anywhere and my female colleague had never expressed any issue with it (I guess confirming in my mind that it was harmless). I now feel very stupid and ashamed.

Anyway, this man turned up at my house one day and asked me to go to the pub with him. I didn't even realise he knew wher I lived. We went to the pub (soft drink for me) and it wax all fine until we left. As we left he "playfully" tried to drag me into the woods. His strength was overwhelming. I "playfully" threatened to scream blue murder and he suddenly stopped. We got in his car and he said "Where now?". I told him I wanted to go home, that my mum would be wondering where I'd gone. As he silently drove I realised with horror that we were going the wrong way and told him so. He just grinned and carried on driving. I was terrified. I even contemplated jumping out of the car.

We eventually arrived at his horrible, run down maissionette in the centre of town. We went inside and said hello to his flatmate (who, in hindsight, appeared to be off his face). He then asked me upstairs to see his fish tank. Stupid, stupid girl. It would be laughable if it weren't so serious.

My memory of what happened next is hazy. I think he tied my hands together and said I could tell him to stop at any point. I was frozen with fear. I didn't believe for one second that he would stop - after all he hadn't driven me home when I'd asked. I just kept thinking that I hadn't wanted any of this but that it was my fault for being such a "prick tease". He stopped short of raping me. And all the while I just lay there, frozen with fear. For some reason I'll never understand he just stopped. What sickened me the most was that he joked we wouldn't be able to look his girlfriend in the eye at work the next day. He even said I had a "nice little body". Writing that phrase makes me feel sick to the stomach.

I guess I've just been thinking about it a lot since recent media interest in the Jimmy Saville scandal. I've learnt to live with the terrible guilt I feel about the whole thing.

[pursuinghappiness]

You were 15. He was 40.
You were naive. He knew exactly what he was doing and probably stopped short of raping you because of that.
You are not the guilty party. He is guilty of sexually abusing you.

Have you had any counselling about this? If you haven't, I really think talking to someone about it would really put this into perspective.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I don't know how old you are now or how your life has subsequently turned out but, if you were to meet a 15yo girl that told you that story, what would you say to her? Would you call her 'stupid' or a 'prick tease' and make her feel guilty & responsible or would you tell her that what happened was wrong, she'd been unlucky, wrong place wrong time, and the man was a nasty piece of work?

Sometimes you can think about buried memories like this from a place of safety and rationalise them to be manageable. Sometimes it helps to have counselling. Sometimes it's important to confront the abuser. Which would you like to do?

[Finola1step]

What he did was wrong, very very wrong.

You have no blame in this.

No matter how long ago this happened, you could still report it.

Keep posting. There will be lots of wise mnetters along.

[icanneverremember]

Thank you for your posts, I appreciate your comments. And you're absolutely right - I would never call a 15 year old girl in the same situation those names. I guess when it's you, you feel more like an adult than you really are and therefor culpable to a degree. But please don't think that is my opinion of others. I suppose I just can't get rid of that guilty feeling.

FWIW what would your opinions be if I was actually 16? Because whilst I think it happened when I was 15 I can't be absolutely certain....

[icanneverremember]

Actually, thinking about it now, unconsentual abuse is wrong no matter what your age. It's really strange, it's as though I still have my 15 year old head on when I think back rather than my responsible mum of three head which can see things more clearly. I guess I have answers I never really knew.

Also, about confronting/reporting him - I can't remember his last name, never mind how to find him...

[FrankSaysNo]

Whether you were 15, 16 or 26, what he did was still wrong, it was an assault, possibly a kidnap too, plying underage with alcohol.

[icanneverremember]

But I do have grave concerns he may do it to others which leads to more guilt - I should have reported him at the time

[wyrdyBird]

Kidnap, sexual assault and attempted rape are illegal at any age, OP.

This is very true:
I guess when it's you, you feel more like an adult than you really are and therefor culpable to a degree. I think this, and the thought that he's only done it to you, and you've brought it on yourself somehow, is what keeps many victims silent.

Don't feel guilty, OP, he did this thing, not you.

[Guiltypleasures001]

Hi lovely

It really doesn't matter what age you were it would be called the same thing when you say you froze that is a classic technique your mind used to try and protect you, if I may it's like playing dead during a bear attack so the bear loses interest so to speak.

There is nothing to stop you reporting him, you could phone 101 and ask their advise and they may well give you some tel numbers for trained people you can talk this through if you wish as well.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you and I think it has taken a great deal of courage to say this out loud after all these years.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Of course you still have your 15/16yo head on when you think about this. That's how you experienced it. But think of other things you did around that age. I don't know about you but I made all kinds of mistakes - some worse than others - as a teenager. I held opinions & can hear myself saying things that make me cringe now. I look at photos of myself and I see a pretty young girl, not the plain thing I insecurely believed myself to be.

That's why I say, if you met a 15yo now, you'd be kind to them. From the vantage point of being a 30+ mum of three, you'd know that they were just feeling their way in the world, looking tough, talking bollocks and really knowing nothing about anything.

So what happened wasn't your fault. It was a horrible thing for a man to do to a young girl. Your attacker may have gone on to do it again but that's his responsibility, not yours

[Pat45]

I am sorry you were subjected to such a dreadful ordeal. Being 16 or 15 years of age would not matter one bit. You were a child and a 40 year old man abducted, terrorised, sexually assauted and came very close to raping you. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Would you feel able to ring the Rape Crisis Centre or ask speak to your doctor about what happened to you?

I don't have any answers but I just want to tell you that I am horrified that any young girl would be subjected to such a terrible crime. I hope you get some relief by sharing your story on MN. You did absoltely nothing to deserve this. My 17 year old DD is as bolshy as they come and like you nothing she could do or say would ever merit this type of attack. You were just a girl. If I told you that this had happened to my daughter you wouldn't for one minute think she was to blame. Take care of yourself.

[icanneverremember]

Thank you, I appreciate that. There's another thing now I remember it. My mum was home when he arrived to take me to the pub. I love my mum with all my heart but can't understand why she allowed me to go. But then, there are a lot of decisions my mother has made which I will never understand.

I also feel like I let her down by getting myself into that situation when she obviously trusted me to be a grown up. It's complicated by the fact that I almost feel embarrassed for her that she let me go iyswim. I could NEVER tell her what happened because of the guilt she would likely feel... That's why I pointed out to him that my mum would wonder where I'd gone and why I'd been such a long time

[icanneverremember]

Thank you so much everyone, talking it through is really helping me to see it rationally.

[Pat45]

Maybe your mum assumed that his girlfriend, your friend, was going too. You didn't let your mum down. You had no idea what was going to happen. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Your mum could have been preoccupied with something else that was going on at the time. Sometimes I am preoccupied and only half listen to my teenage DCs. All parents do it from time to time. I am glad talking it through is helping. Perhaps you might benefit from a few sessions of counselling.